Emily is scary when she’s sleep deprived

So on New Year’s Day, I sent Emily an innocent text message that was meant to crack her up, but instead sent her on an expletive filled-tirade.

It was pretty awesome. And I can’t wait to share it with you. But first, some background.

I briefly mentioned a few weeks ago that at the ripe old age of 35, I have developed a wheat allergy. All of a sudden wheat makes me feel a terrible pinprick sensation all over my body, like there are things crawling all over me. It’s unpleasant to say the least, so I’ve had to go gluten-free. Not exactly convenient – but totally do-able.  With the New Year and fresh starts and all, I’ve decided that since I already had to cut out gluten, I want to try and eat a little clean-ER and healthi-ER. I’m not going cray-cray or anything, but I am cutting out pop (soooooo SAD) and trying to eliminate sugar in areas  like my coffee creamer (I’ve mixed up my own batch of “clean” creamer and it’s good!)  I’ve also been looking for healthy gluten-free snacks and I’ve been cooking “clean” meals, too.

In my heart, I am still a Mountain Dew-swilling, Hershey bar-gulping sugar fanatic. But my gall bladder and my waistline (and who knows what else?) have taken quite a hit the last few months (I have gained back most of the 8 pounds I lost in the spring) and I just want to do better. I want to find a balance between super-clean and “all things in moderation”.

Which leads me to the text I sent Emily on New Year’s Day. I did something that was very out-of-character for me. I made a snack out of broccoli. Thinking this was a weird thing for me to do, I decided to make Em’s New Year by giving her the chance to make fun of me. Because I’m generous like that. So I sent this:

I knew from a previous text that Em had been up too late the night before (as had I) and was grumpy, but I wasn’t prepared for the wrath that my text unleashed! To communicate her response, I’m going to have to substitute some harmless words for some expletives. How about I use the words fish(ing) and shark and you use your imagination? Deal? Deal! Here goes:

Emily: What the flying fish are green pancakes? And I liked you better when you lived on mt. dew and Hershey bars.  There was less pressure. You were still skinny and all that shark but at least you didn’t have good nutrition. You need to give this shark up and concentrate on golf. (A favorite Happy Gilmore quote of ours.) Please tell me your other New Years resolution is to keep your car clean. (My car is notoriously a rolling trash bin.)

Me: I love you. So much. Blame Pinterest and the 7 of 8 lbs I’ve gained back since I lost them and my uncomfortable pants.

Emily: Pinterest can fish itself. People will be back to pinning their red dye #7 marshmallow and lucky charms valentine’s day concoction before you can say no high fructose corn syrup three times fast. And yes you can quote me on that. In fact make it a pinnable fishing graphic. (Well, ok if you insist…)

Me: HA ha ha HA HA! You are on fire! But you have to agree to stop drinking meals. No green smoothies! (Seriously, drinking vegetables?? GROSS!!)

Emily: Hmm well I LIKE green smoothies. But from here on out I am going to drink them from a UDF milkshake cup to make a fishing point.

Me: Doooo it. Seriously though this shark is delicious.

Emily: That is not a fishing pancake.

Me: They’re friend and delicious though. Kind of like a hash brown made with broccoli dipped in marinara sauce.

Emily: At least you’re still dipping fried shark in marinara sauce. I still know you a little.


So remember kids, unless you want to swim with the sharks and fishes, don’t text Emily about your out-of-character behavior when she needs a nap.

 And go make some green pancakes! They really are deeeeelicious. Especially if you wash them down with a cold can of Mountain Dew {weeps a little}.

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  1. Naps are essential!


  2. This. Is. Epic!

  3. Both of my step-kids are gluten free. The other evening I made shrimp scampi with GF breadcrumbs and it was actually pretty awesome!

  4. If there were only a way to say convey the deep depth of the irony of how you scoffed at the poorganic life, and here you are, eating green pancakes. That is fishing awesome. (PS: have you read Authentic Simplicity’s Grocery Budget Toolbox? Totally worth a read if you are wanting to take all this shark to the next level. I’m not even an affiliate yet, but I might decide to be.) 😉

    • I don’t know if I can or want to take it to the next level. Clean-ER, healthi-ER, baby steps! (And the green pancakes were delicious! I like everything that is delicious, even if it’s good for me!)

  5. I’m cracking up! It’s too funny!

  6. This is some funny shark. Emily definitely has a way with her fishing expletives.

  7. Omg!!!!! Too funny. (My kindle tried to autocorrect that to Song! Topology funny! Lol)

  8. And I remember that sweet picture of 2 innocent little girls in their Strawberry Shortcake outfits. Now it is all about fishin’ and sharks! And green smoothies and pancakes! Ha!

  9. This is hysterical!! I am laughing so hard that I am in tears!

  10. I insist that you arrange for Emily and me to meet IRL immediately. That shark fishing needs to happen, OK?

  11. OMG!!! I am laughing so fishing hard! This shark is hilarious! I can hear her saying all this shark in my head. I am also going to start using fishing and shark instead of my usual language. I am pretty sure people will think I have tourettes with as many expletives as I use in a day. Hell, as many expletives as I use in a fishing sentence!

  12. Holy Shark! That’s hilarious!

  13. I love the blog 100daysofrealfood.com for healthy/clean ideas and recipes.

  14. ICK – even me, miss healthy – is sick looking at those?

  15. Y’all are my favorite.


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