Reflections of a First-Time Swim Team Mom

Kate started swim team a couple weeks ago, and let me tell you one thing:

We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.

They’ve been practicing daily for three weeks and have had one mock meet and two real ones. There’s a huge learning curve… not so much for Kate, who is learning to swim at an amazing rate, but for her parents.

We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.

For the first practice, we showed up with a swim suit and a towel. Promptly after practice, we went out to buy goggles and a swim cap. Who would have thought? For the mock meet, we thought we were being well-prepared by bringing Sammy a baggie full of Cheerios. Never did it cross my mind that swim meets required a three-course picnic meal – not to mention that they necessitate multiple towels, games, changes of clothes, blankets, lawn chairs and coolers.

In addition to the sheer amount of stuff we have to bring, we’ve also been quickly brought up to speed on the requirements of the parents. When we registered her for the team, we had to sign up to work half of most of the meets, but we didn’t know what the jobs entailed and so we just randomly signed up for stuff. On Tuesday, before the first real meet, several of the other parents asked me what my job was that night, and when I said “Something called ‘clerk of course,'” they all laughed and said some kind thing that meant “Better you than me.”

Clerk of course, for those of you as unfamiliar with swim meets, is the person in charge of getting the kids lined up and ready to swim prior to their events. In other words, it’s herding cats. And in addition to me being completely clueless about what the heck I was supposed to be doing on Tuesday, it was pouring down rain. The entire time. That made the meet run slowly, and by the time they called it quits after the first half was complete, it was way past my the kids’ bedtime. In fact, we didn’t pull into our driveway until almost 10 p.m.

Last night we had it a little bit easier – Andy had to write kids’ names on ribbons for the first half and I had to help with the concession stand during the second half. We were somewhat more qualified for those jobs, as he knows how to write and I know how to make change. But still, it was a marathon night, and while Andy took the kids home for baths and bed after the first half, I didn’t get home until after 10.

Really, though, my complaining is my lame attempt at humor – Kate is having a ball with swimming, and Andy and I have been hugely impressed with the parent volunteer orchestration that goes on in order for these events to take place. If every parent didn’t chip in, they wouldn’t happen, and it’s been great to see everyone working together. I’ve also been impressed by the tech savy-ness of the team – they have their own blog and we get automated voicemails when an announcement needs to be made.

Now if only they were on Twitter. Hey, maybe that could be my new job. Germantown Gators Social Media Director. That has a nice ring to it.

Anything but that Clerk of Course.

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Well, who needs fanfare, anyway??

Last night I went to bed early (because, oh people, I LOVEZ MY BED! And sleeeep!) and when I awoke this morning I had a direct message from Emily on Twitter that said, “Did we have a blog-iversary we forgot about?” And I was like, “Well shoot my shorts, we sure did!”

Emily, whose brain isn’t quite as feeble as mine is, remembered just in the nick of time. Our second blog-iversary is actually TODAY!!

{Insert applause here}

I cannot believe it’s been two years since we started this mess glorious internet chronicle. Writing this blog together and sharing our lives with you has truly been a blessing. THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts for reading!

But just in case you missed anything, I thought I’d quickly recap the past twelve months of our lives for you. Here goes!

I had a brush with the law, played poop detective, outed Emily’s and my um, inbred lineage, weaned my toddler, got my eyebrows waxed, and went insane in the membrane.

Emily went back to work after baby, back to school, verbally spanked an old lady, verbally spanked a children’s retail outlet, exposed “balance” as a dirty, dirty lie, peed on a stick in a Target bathroom while wearing spanx, and fooled around at a resort with Mickey Mouse.

Together we went to a blogging conference, begged for new appliances, and made LOTS of new amazing friends.

Oh, and Emily turned 30!! Finally!!

Thanks for indulging us for the past two years. I hope you’ll stay with us for all the adventures yet to come!

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Better Living Through Email

Every day I get a pretty good amount of email. And because I am still 12, I LOVE getting email and check it obsessively about 783 times a day. Sadly, however, a good 50% of my emails are of the “spam” variety. Most of these my spam filter catches, but if it’s having an off day, I sometimes end up with little gems like “Aliens spotted” or “80% off the little blue pill” right in my inbox. Some of these email subject titles are so, um, creative, that I thought I’d share some with you, because really, it would be selfish of me to keep all these life-improving emails to myself! So, out of the goodness of my heart, I give you the contents of my spam folder (I am using some creative spelling on some of these words so as not to attract more spam comments to this blog!):

“Earn a Degree While You Work” – Emily has apparently already read this one.

“A Transg*ndered Life – Can You Imagine?” – Can I imagine having a fake p*nis? No, not really, to tell you the truth!

“Aca! Berry has saved lives – let it save yours! Get your free trial now!” – I’ve already got Emily and she’s all the Berry I can handle, thankyouverymuch. She’s never saved my life, though. Hmm.

“I found you a new job” – no thanks! I like being gainfully unemployed.

“Prove to your wife that there can still be a lot of p@ssion in your bedr00m” – duh, I don’t even HAVE a wife. Do your research, spammers!!

“2 inches off your waistline during the Holidays” – Holidays? I better bookmark that one. I hate that two inches I usually gain on the 4th of July.

“Bigger Your ShortP*nis” – once again, do your research, people! I am not a dude.

“Pillowcase that prevents fine lines and wrinkles” – call me when you’ve got one that also removes my eye makeup.

“Is it possible to make over $1 million a year from home?” – I don’t know, you tell me! Oh wait? Does it involve work? Or sending people sp@mmy emails all day like YOU do? No thanks.

“Luxury W@tches for people with average incomes” – I swear to you, I get as much spam about fake R0lex’s as I do about p*nis enlargement. Apparently if you have a fancy watch you can get away with having a tiny schl0ng.

and finally,

“The Secret to Immortality” – here’s a secret for YOU: I don’t want to live forever. Cause really, being 1,000 years old and still looking like I’m say, 31 (wink, wink) and having all my friends and family be, you know, DEAD and living it up in heaven without me while I eat freeze-dried food and watch whippersnappers zoom around in those newfangled spaceships all the kids are driving these days doesn’t really sound all that FUN.

Well, there ya go. Hopefully you have found a life-changing solution from the contents of my spam inbox! If not, I’ve got plenty more where that came from, so, you know…EMAIL me!!

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