In which I fail to take my own best advice.

Prologue:

To: Jenny
From: Emily
Date: July 25, 2007
Subject: Public Service Announcement
Do not – I repeat, DO NOT – use the pee hole in a pair of Spanx.

Chapter One

Saturday night, I was meeting several of my very favorite bloggers* for dinner. On the way there, I stopped at Target to pick up a food processor, a can opener (more on why I was buying cooking utensils tomorrow) and various other fun stuff.

As I was strolling through the store, I thought to myself, “I should probably pick up a pregnancy test.”

At the risk of providing way too much information (and if you think this part is TMI, you are not going to want to read the rest of the post. Consider yourself warned), nursing Sam is playing tricks on my hormones, and my period is rather irregular. On Saturday, it was more than two weeks late. Needless to say, I was absolutely convinced I was pregnant getting a little nervous.

I grabbed a three pack, just in case, and headed to the check out.

Not one to delay gratification, I thought to myself, “I have a few more minutes before I have to be at the restaurant. Maybe I should just go to the bathroom here and take the test.”

However, when I got into the restroom, I remembered that I was wearing Spanx. Not just any Spanx, either. The top-of-the-line suck-in-everything-you-have Slim Cognito. This fabulous contraption goes from mid-thigh to right under the bra line. Specifically, it attaches to one’s bra in four places (see diagram 1A).

Diagram 1A:

So, against my better judgement, I decided to take advantage of the “cotton gusset” so I didn’t have to completely disassemble my outfit.

This meant, however, that I couldn’t sit on the toilet seat. I was not about to subject my Spanx to the germs! So, I squatted.

And as I squatted, (I swear to God I cannot believe I am telling this story) I was holding the “cotton gusset” open to maximum capacity with one hand, holding the pregnancy test on the other, and trying to somehow make the pee go on the stick and not on my clothes.

After I completed this feat of acrobatics, I realized that there was no toilet paper.

The test, I am relieved to say, was negative.

I put myself back together, figuratively and literally, and headed off to meet my girls for a fantastic dinner. When I walked in the restaurant, I saw Jenny, Tricia, Cortney and Andrea, and I said “I just had the most bloggable experience of my life. But I can’t blog about it.” (Obviously, they convinced me to sacrifice my last remaining shred of dignity.)

Chapter Two

As I left the restaurant (the second one, where we had dessert after wearing out our welcome at the first one), I called Andy.

“I took a pregnancy test in the Target bathroom. It was negative,” I told him.

His reply?

“Nice work, Juno.”

#######
*Erin from $5 Dinners, Cortney and Tricia from Once a Month Mom, Marianne from Writer-Mommy, Andrea from Mommy Snacks, Shannan from Mommy Bits, Amy from Amy in Ohio, and Tara from Deal Seeking Mom.

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Comments

  1. hilarious!

  2. That is good stuff! I was laughing out loud picturing the whole target bathroom shenanigans. Congrats on the results too. I love that he called you Juno. :)

  3. OH MY GOSH that’s hilarious. Thanks so much for sharing :) Made my morning!

  4. This is hilarious! I’m glad that I’m not the only one who does stuff like that!

  5. I was laghing the whole post through! i am glad you decided to share! For the record if I meet you at blogher there is a good chance…this will pop in my head :)

  6. Best story ever told…ever.

  7. This would have ended in complete disaster for me no doubt – I’m totally impressed at your bathroom abilities :) Thanks for the share!

  8. Oh I have the same love/hate relationship with my Slim Cognito. Love that it somehow rearranges my mid section putting my muffin top somewhere else yet is still realatively comfortable. Hate having to pee in it.

  9. I’ve tried to “use the pee hole” myself and end up peeing all over myself. Did you? I think I just lack some skillz…

  10. LOL… shall I point out Juno WAS pregnant? Hmmm that would be bloggable now huh? Hee hee.

  11. Emily E. says:

    I think you deserve an award for just being able to squeeze into that Spanx. That’s crazy looking!

  12. Ahahaha! The whole story had me rolling, and then his response – classic.

  13. That is too funny! I am glad you decided to share. :)

  14. Em, your bravery for blogging this is commendable!!

    I’m still laughing!

    I think you should send this post linky to Spanx.com as proof of deep, deep customer loyalty — maybe you’ll get some Spanx for a giveaway here.

    Oh my oh my….I’m thinking of that poor family with little kids that was sitting a *wee* bit too close for us during this conversation. TMI indeed!

    ;-)

  15. I bought one in the dollar store ones and went next door to take it in the KFC bathroom because I couldn’t wait 5 minutes to get home.

  16. That’s one doodle that can’t be undone, homeskillet.

    (Sorry, Juno brain now).

  17. LOL!! It turned out much better than I expected it to. I was sure that the “opening” wasn’t going to be adequate enough and you’d end of “needing to” remove the Spanx anyway…much like “needing to” remove clothing from a child after a diaper change. :-P

  18. oh my…how i did enjoy the visual. ;-) that spanx opening is never adequate. did sara seriously expect us to take care of business through that tiny space?

  19. I haven’t tried Spanx but the visual…LOL. And despite my humiliation in doing so, I would have had to sacrifice my dignity in order to share such a funny store. Thanks for putting the blog first! LOL

  20. I can NOT believe you actually blogged about this. Well, maybe I can!

    Thanks for another chuckle!

  21. The visual. Oh, the visual! Hilarious. And the Juno comment sent me OVER THE EDGE. Thank you for making my day!

  22. Oh my gosh! SO FUNNY!! I love your husband calling you Juno. And what the heck is a gusset anyway?

    …and why do I not have this Spanx contraption…?

  23. I laughed so hard I cried. TOO FUNNY!

  24. bwahahahahahahaaaaaaa

    The Juno comment is just too much ;-) this is hysterical, Emily!

  25. thank you for sacrificing your dignity for my amusement… again! What a friend!

  26. YEAH! You posted it and I am still laughing as hard reading it the 3rd time as I did hearing about it the first time!

  27. OMG Emily. This is the most awesome post ever!!! I can’t tell you how many times I popped into the bathroom of a Walgreens or Panera to take a pregnancy test.

    This post is just one of the reasons I love your friendship! You always keep me on my toes.

  28. I have the same Spanx, and my friends have been begging me to “try out” the um, hole, and I have been reluctant (can’t imagine why). So, a BIG thank-you to you for posting about your experience. I can just pass that info along to my buds w/o actually trying it myself. Thanks soooo much for the giggle!

  29. Ok, I have never owned Spanx, but just the thought of them having a way to pee while wearing them sounds like it would be tourture to wear.
    I also learned I am not the only nut who has taken a pg test in a store (now I feel more nomal)

  30. HILARIOUS…damn, I wish we had stayed.

    And Andy, my kinda guy!

  31. Oh, I totally needed this laugh tonight! Cracking up here and it’s all thanks to your pee hole! LOL

  32. LMAO!! I LOVE that story. I ahve to tell you I have the exact same pair of Spanx and I hate them! First off they constantly roll down exposing your back fat (even with the bra attachments) and secondly with those attachments you can’t go pee in a relaxed fashion! After one too many experiences like you had I gave up and got Dr. Rey’s Shapewear from Sears. It has rubber on the top and bottom so they don’t slip at all. I love em. You should totally try them out.

  33. You are awesome! Loved the story. It reminded me of a time in 7th grade when you were over at my house armed with a box of tampons. I recall reading you the directions from outside the bathroom while you were inside giving it the old college try…so basically I’m saying that although this story is epic, I find it a very “Emily” thing to do!

  34. I just needed to say that I found your site via Goolge and I am glad I did. Keep up the good work and I will make sure to bookmark you for when I have more free time away from the books. Thanks again!

  35. So, after laughing, I just wanted to say that the “convenient split gusset” is a joke. Why cannot this be made to be truly useful? I have only tried it once. I pulled the gusset WAY to the sides, and said a little prayer for good luck and “relaxed”. Needless to say, my pee somehow went “into” the back of the hole as I was finishing, all the way up my crack! How can a woman control her pee flow for crisssake! I hope you have all learned something from this cautionary tale…. :)

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