Date: July 25, 2007
Subject: Public Service Announcement
Do not – I repeat, DO NOT – use the pee hole in a pair of Spanx.
Saturday night, I was meeting several of my very favorite bloggers* for dinner. On the way there, I stopped at Target to pick up a food processor, a can opener (more on why I was buying cooking utensils tomorrow) and various other fun stuff.
As I was strolling through the store, I thought to myself, “I should probably pick up a pregnancy test.”
At the risk of providing way too much information (and if you think this part is TMI, you are not going to want to read the rest of the post. Consider yourself warned), nursing Sam is playing tricks on my hormones, and my period is rather irregular. On Saturday, it was more than two weeks late. Needless to say, I was
absolutely convinced I was pregnant getting a little nervous.
I grabbed a three pack, just in case, and headed to the check out.
Not one to delay gratification, I thought to myself, “I have a few more minutes before I have to be at the restaurant. Maybe I should just go to the bathroom here and take the test.”
However, when I got into the restroom, I remembered that I was wearing Spanx. Not just any Spanx, either. The top-of-the-line suck-in-everything-you-have Slim Cognito. This fabulous contraption goes from mid-thigh to right under the bra line. Specifically, it attaches to one’s bra in four places (see diagram 1A).
So, against my better judgement, I decided to take advantage of the “cotton gusset” so I didn’t have to completely disassemble my outfit.
This meant, however, that I couldn’t sit on the toilet seat. I was not about to subject my Spanx to the germs! So, I squatted.
And as I squatted, (I swear to God I cannot believe I am telling this story) I was holding the “cotton gusset” open to maximum capacity with one hand, holding the pregnancy test on the other, and trying to somehow make the pee go on the stick and not on my clothes.
After I completed this feat of acrobatics, I realized that there was no toilet paper.
The test, I am relieved to say, was negative.
I put myself back together, figuratively and literally, and headed off to meet my girls for a fantastic dinner. When I walked in the restaurant, I saw Jenny, Tricia, Cortney and Andrea, and I said “I just had the most bloggable experience of my life. But I can’t blog about it.” (Obviously, they convinced me to sacrifice my last remaining shred of dignity.)
As I left the restaurant (the second one, where we had dessert after wearing out our welcome at the first one), I called Andy.
“I took a pregnancy test in the Target bathroom. It was negative,” I told him.
“Nice work, Juno.”
*Erin from $5 Dinners, Cortney and Tricia from Once a Month Mom, Marianne from Writer-Mommy, Andrea from Mommy Snacks, Shannan from Mommy Bits, Amy from Amy in Ohio, and Tara from Deal Seeking Mom.