Category: Jenny is neurotic

I am many things. I am mom to this little cutie:

And this sweetheart boy:

But I am in a place where I am not entirely familiar with myself. It’s a bit unsettling.

It’s been an interesting week or so for me. Last week I spoke of a tightness in my chest that I thought was related to anxiety; four days of it and a trip to the ER later and I find out it’s actually an allergic reaction to Prozac, which I’d been taking for three weeks. So, today I go back to the doctor, which was already planned, and I suppose we’ll talk about a plan B.

I feel somewhat like a science experiment. I know all of it – the hormones and whatever other medication I end up taking – will take time to become effective. But I am growing weary of waiting.

Sometimes I feel ok, and sometimes I really don’t. I’ve always been blessed with good self-esteem; my brothers are fond of saying that my self-esteem “is like a broken bone. If you break it, it just grows back stronger.” (They credit themselves then, for what has been my extraordinarily good self-image.) But recently I’ve had some moments, many more than I’d like, when my self-esteem has been less than stellar. I’m not used to disliking myself. It’s not a good feeling. That sounds overly-simple, but I don’t know how else to say it.

I have things I am so excited about. I am excited about Mom’s Nite Out tonight and seeing all my friends. Keeping busy is good for my spirit. But in the quiet of the evening, after my kids are in bed, I’m left with restlessness and agitation. Sitting down to write this tonight, I was at a loss.

“I don’t know what to say,” I said to my husband. “I don’t know who to be.”

I imagine you only want to hear about the superhappyfun things in my life. I’ll do my best to bring those things to the forefront. But I haven’t exactly had any magical moments lately.

So right now I hope you’ll hang with me as I try to figure out how to be me. To get back to me. I promise, I am working on it.

So, I kind of left you hanging there a couple of weeks ago when I told you my hormones still had me all in a twist and that I was going to the doctor.

I thought I’d better give you an update so that you’d know I haven’t done anything crazy like laying down in oncoming traffic or running around the neighborhood in my underwear searching for my childhood cat who died when I was 10. *Ahem*.

My OB-GYN agreed with my self-diagnosis of a hormone imbalance (me + Google = medical degree!) and she said the best thing for that really would be for me to try another kind of birth control pill. Now, since the pill is part of what made me go crazy in the first place, I was reluctant to try it unless I had a little something to take the edge off the debilitating depression it *just might* cause.

So, it’s Ortho-Tri-Cyclen with a side of low-dose Prozac. (Is that like Diet Prozac? Prozac Lite?) I already started the happy pills, but I can’t start the birth control until Sunday, for reasons I should not have to explain to any of you females reading this. I am a little nervous about this week as it gets closer to the beginning of my cycle, which is when I generally get irrational and weepy and what-not! I’ll be fun two weeks of the month, and then the complete opposite of fine the other two. So here’s hoping the superhappyfun meds are already kicked in enough. We shall see. In any case, I am hopeful that a month from now, I will be feeling MUCH better. And my doc had me schedule an appointment with her in a couple of weeks to see how I’m doing.

I appreciate all your comments, thoughts, and prayers! I am a million kinds of tired of not feeling like myself, and a million kinds of thankful that you’ve let me share my feelings with you.

{Insert supportive comments here.}

Love y’all.