Mommin' It Up!

bloggess1 — I was so excited and NO, I could not hide it!

So last night, Emily and I and about 50 kajillion other people went to see The Bloggess read from her numero uno best-selling book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Happily, my friend Shannon got there way early and saved us seats (and seats for our fab entourage Andrea, Becky, and Celia) or we would’ve been in the back! Turns out, Dayton loves some Bloggess!!

And she did not disappoint! For what she told us was the first time on her book tour, the store told her she could not read curse words when she read from her book. If you have read it, you know that it is filled with fishes and sharks! So she was a little nervous about that, and decided to use the word “hippopotamus” in their stead. I was surprised that she did not use “fish” and “shark” since that is what Emily and I do on this here blog, and SURELY she reads it every day, right? Hmm, well, I will chalk it up to nerves.

The reading was HYSTERICAL and so well done. The Bloggess’ voice sounds exactly the same in person as it does in my head. We are SO connected. Plus, our names are practically the same. Jenny LawSON and Jenny RapSON. What? I’m practically her doppleganger.

Anyhoo. After the reading, we waited to get books signed and pics taken. Because Emily is a genius, she had her famous Bloggess photobomb picture (which I took, can I not get ANY CREDIT??) printed on real picture paper! She presented it to be signed saying, “So you and I had our picture taken together once before, only you didn’t know it.” The Bloggess laughed and gasped and said “You are awesome!” and signed Em’s pic. It was pretty cool! Then, we got our picture taken with her together. Like, and she even agreed to it! But, I ruined it by trying to make a funny photobomb face and making a hideous face instead. And then Emily didn’t like the pic and was all “you are NOT posting that”, even though it’s WAY worse of me that it is of her. Umm, I thought I was supposed to be the VAIN one? Nope, I’m not. Emily is. So here ya go. This is the best I could do:

I didn’t think I made much of an impression on my new BFF (I mean, I got so tongue-tied I forgot to mention that we practically have the SAME NAME), but I guess I did because this morning, she started following ME ME ME ME on Twitter!

See?

And in case you don’t believe me:

So, I’m feeling pretty special this morning! Almost as special as if someone had given me a private puppet show with a newly disemboweled squirrel. I mean, she ONLY follows 20,000 people, you guys! This is an EXCLUSIVE club!

Sigh. Thanks, Jenny Lawson. Dayton can’t wait to see you on your next book tour!

You think you know someone.

And then she goes and gets girly on you.

If you’ve been reading this ~~travesty~~ blog for awhile, you know that I have a smidge of a vanity issue. I likes to look purty. I also enjoy looking at myself in any and all available mirrors, and taking self-portraits on Instagram (where you should totally follow me, BTW, I’m @jennyrapson.) Additionally, I enjoy lots of eye makeup and scarves. Jewelry I like but don’t wear as much since Jonah pulls on necklaces but one day I’ll be back with the necklaces, just you wait.

Emily, however, has seemed to view makeup and accessories as more of a necessary evil. I mean she likes to look nice, and fortunately for her she is the opposite of ugly, which helps, but she’s been a bit less fussy about her appearance than moi. In fact, her pattern has been to openly mock me for my vanity and eye-roll at my primping.

Has been.

(Well she still mocks me about the Instagram self-portraits. I secretly think it’s because she WANTS TO DO IT HERSELF.)

Sometime this past year, I began noticing Emily with a little more bling on her outfits. Her shoes got fancier and cuter. She began pinning outfits on Pinterest, and for Christmas? Her husband bought her A NECKLACE TREE. Because, you know, SHE HAS SO MANY NECKLACES. Let’s take a look at exhibit A, here people a pic of Emily and me from Christmas 2011. Who is the most fussy, I ask you?

Not only does Emily have on two necklaces, and large earrings, but look at the bottom of the photo – she also has like, legwarmer thingies over her boots. They are super cute but I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY’RE CALLED! Remember when I used to be fashionable? Well, I am here to say that Emily and I have switched places. And now, she is taking her newfound vanity to a new level.

As you read this, Emily will…have…I can’t even bear to write it…a SPRAY TAN. That’s right. Miss Vanity USA 2012 couldn’t embrace her natural white color. In preparation for Mom 2.o in Miami, she went to a friends’ BASEMENT, stripped to her skivvies, and got a spray tan.

Something I will NEVER – mark my words – NEVER do! God made me white and the only way I want to be brown is if I am in the SUN. I was downright shocked when she told me. Here’s how our instant message conversation went:

Emily says:

OK but i have a confession to make if you are still there and not pilates-ing

Jenny says:

i’m back. confess

Emily says:

i am getting a spray tan tomorrow

Jenny says:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

i can’t even make time to GET MY EYEBROWS WAXED and YOU ARE GETTING A SPRAY TAN.

once again. who ARE you?

time to start the “emily is vain” blog category. finally!!

Emily says:

hahahahaha

i am so freaking pale it is gross

Jenny says:

so am I, cousin, except it’s NOT gross because it’s the way GOD MADE ME.

and you.

have mercy

we’d be dirty and poor if we had tans and we were on downton abbey

Emily says:

please blog about this tomorrow

——————-

SO there you go. Emily is vainer than Jenny. She has betrayed the paleness of our twice-interwined genes. Hell has frozen over, pigs can fly, and I hardly ever drink Mountain Dew anymore. Is this the twilight zone or WHAT??

Now I advised cousin Emily that getting a spray tan the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE for Miami might not be the best idea. (I learned this from watching Toddlers & Tiaras, of course. Emily is WELL on her way to being FULL GLITZ.) But she would not be deterred. So, Miami here we come! Whitey and Orangey, together forever, we’re going to be like the human Creamsicle. Un-freaking-forgettable! Get ready!

Category: Emily is Vain

Things Emily wants to pretend never happened.

Besprayed. I mean Betrayed.