“How’s your brain?” a friend asked me this weekend. Meaning, to ask, of course, if I was still losing my ever-loving mind.
“Eh. I have good days and bad days.” I replied.
Which is true, but it’s not quite that simple. Some days I have really good days, and some days I have really bad days, and some days, I am just not quite right. Some days it is my mental health that needs a tune-up, and other days my hormones still torture me physically.
I am working on it. I have medication, I have routine doctor’s appointments, and now, after a good talk with the aforementioned friend, I have some social and activity-related goals I am going to set for myself. To be proactive, and perhaps, help my body chemistry along a bit.
But the truth is I am tired. Tired of trying to get better, tired of waiting to get better, tired of not being better. Tired of feeling totally awesome for a couple of days and then the crushing disappointment of feeling the opposite of awesome the next day.
And sometimes, I am afraid. Afraid that this will be the rest of my life. Afraid that I will end up laying in the middle of my lawn speaking jibberish and wearing my underwear on my head. Afraid that if I post about being crazy I will not be invited to cool mommy blogger events or win friends and influence people (hey I never said my fears were rational.)
What will I learn from this…period in my life? I want to know it, this lesson, I want to have learned it, earned it, put it into practice. I want to tuck it into my back pocket and say, “Oh, I am so glad I had that experience because it made me a better person.”
The Bible says we are to count our trials as joys. Because they build faith, and character. It also says they that wait on the Lord will soar like eagles. And soaring instead of muddling sounds lovely right now, and I want to do it. So I wait. And I remember, in my saner moments, in the quiet, in the stillness, that it is enough that God knows. He knows the number of my days, which ones will be a battle and which ones will be full of effortless joy. He knows these things that it is not time for me to know yet, and for that I am so thankful. It is unknown to me but it is not unknown.
It is enough.
I have some of the same problem. It is better if I have something to do… a plan. That is why I went back to work… not really an option for you. Down here I just get up and go for a hike or work in the yard or driveway. It comes and goes. Being around people other than kids also helps when I am crashing. It may be a struggle for a while but keep up the struggle. Just look for the better times and enjoy them while they are ther. Go do something when the oither times come. Go see someone … Jim Saul was my go to person.
Dad
Jenny, you’re a beautiful person. Brain included. You’re one of the coolest (is that even an okay word to say anymore? I feel old when I do)people I know, and I am glad that I’ve met you! 🙂
And you’re not the only one- remember that. You’ve been talking to a girl who’s been in therapy for over 6 years now. Whoot for the crazies!
The Lord will use this time in your life, and your vulnerability to put words to what many others are feeling or experiencing. Thanks for using this time to help others. 🙂
I am SO sorry to hear that you’re struggling like this. It IS so scary. Your testimony is an encouragement. 🙂 Praying for your full and victorious recovery. 🙂
I think you just need a trip up to see me and then ditch all the kiddos with John so we can go par-tay! Yep, I think you are just miss the fun we used to have back in the day. 😉
Love you!
You can totally be cool and still need mental help! At least that’s what I keep telling myself! I am sure it will get better since you are actively seeking help.
I’m sorry you are struggling but so glad that you recognize the issues. Some people struggle and don’t really know what is wrong just that something isn’t right. To be able to articulate it must make it somewhat easier to seek assistance.
Oh,Jenny! We seem to be living similar lives right now. How I wish we were a bit closer in physical distance and we could hang out and be crazy old ladies together 🙂
Your last paragraph really spoke to me. I think I need to print it out and tape it to my mirror and keep it in my purse and put it in my car and set it next to my computer! Thank you for sharing yourself with us this way. Thank you for the encouragement you’ve given me. You’re a good friend and I’m blessed to have you in my life!
Jenny, you’re doing all the right things – meds, docs, talking about it openly instead of hiding your struggles in the dark.
I wish I could wave a wand and make it ooo-la-la all better, but nothing is ever that simple.
This is why I write and why I run – one word at a time, one step at a time. Sometimes that’s all we can ask of ourselves.
Keep moving forward and if you need help, holler. You’ll be heard.
Best to ya!
I agree with the writing and running…those two are both new to me but have helped soooo much. I wish you the best of luck…just remember that things happen for a reason and God doesn’t give you more then you can handle…that’s not to say that some days are harder then other but look for that silver lining…it’s there, I promise…that is what I look for every day and that is how I get thru some things! Much love to you!
Jennybelle,
I adore you. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Meet up in Ann Arbor?
Luvs you.
I’m sorry you are still struggling with this. I can relate. I have a few good days or even a good week and then think that I’m “all better” and then I get hit with waves of anxiety again. I think that it may be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. I don’t think it will always be bad, but I think it’s something I’m going to need to be conscious of. Like if I start doing too much or not taking care of myself, I think I will relapse. But for now I’m just taking it one day at a time. That’s really all we can do, ya know? Hugs to you. Can’t wait to meet you at BlogHer so we can talk about our neuroses together. 😉
P.S. I’m so glad you are writing openly about this.
Jenny, you are so brave. And strong. And sweet. And funny, but that’s not really the point here, is it?
You are brave to share this with all of us. And you are strong enough to make it through this, whatever “this” is. And you are sweet, well, just because you are.
But you’re right – our God is stronger than we could ever be. And He knows exactly what is causing your pain, when it will be over, and what you’ll take away from it.
In the meantime, though, I will pray for you!!!!
hey jenny,
i just love where you are… not because i like to hear of people questioning but because i know (from past and current experience)that in weakness His power and strength is perfected. not one of us have it all together. sometimes (when i am around that friend that seems “put together”) i have to believe that fact by faith. underneath, all of us have insecurities, doubts, fears and needs. thank you for unpretentious living. i often picture God just smiling on when He sees us living in truth and welcoming others to join us. it is in that place that He does His best work. John Ortberg says God does his best work in tombs. God’s specialty is tombwork and that stops me in my tracks and sometimes fills me with hope. i love you dear jenny. btw, are you coming to ann arbor? you always have a room with us!
**hugs** I’ve been where you are…well, I’m assuming..so I’ll say…I’ve felt the way you describe. It’s awful, and scary, and confusing….I hope you’re feeling better with each day….
I’ve been struggling with the same issues. The ups and downs of the medication tweaking really wears me out. It seems like a never-ending road sometimes. But I’m learning to take it day by blessed day. I’ll pray for you sweet sister…