Marbles and Rubber Cement

It’s been the whole of this year, 2009, that I’ve been battling anxiety and depression, a battle that truly took me by surprise and to me at least, seemed to come out of nowhere. I’ve written countless posts about feeling bad, getting meds, getting new meds, feeling better, all the ups and downs that go with that sort of thing.

And for awhile, I’ve been doing great. What struggles I had were barely worth mentioning, until a couple of weeks ago. Then, for some reason, the wicked afternoons started to return. They’re a different incarnation of themselves, characterized by restlessness and a dark mood rather than weepiness – but they’re unwelcome just the same.

I wake up fine, cheerful, albeit a bit groggy, every morning, ready to start my day. Sophie and I have fun together. And then after I put her down for her nap, and before Joshua gets home at 3:15, I can feel the heaviness start to settle over me. I don’t want to do ANYTHING, yet I am restless. I don’t want to sit still, I don’t want to read a book, I don’t want to do the dishes (shocker), I don’t want to play with the kids. It’s very unsettling and generally by the time Bobby gets home from work I am climbing the walls!

So. I have a doctor’s appointment next week. I can’t help but think something chemical is being kooky in my body.

In my mind, I have been referring to anytime before 2009 as “before I lost my marbles”. Before I lost my marbles, I used to pay our bills, for instance. Recently I’ve had to give that back over to my husband. It used to not bother me at all but now it causes me lots of anxiety. That is one marble I haven’t minded letting go of.

But most of the rest of my marbles, I’ve gathered back together and glued comprehensively with rubber cement. I want to keep them, at least the ones that make me who I am. Maybe at times I’ll have to stretch the rubber cement, free a marble, and re-cement it somewhere that it fits a little more comfortably. I, like the rubber cement, am flexible, and I hope, I hope, I can be as strong.

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  1. Hmmmmm…so many places to go. Genetics…you’ve met some of the Aunts, Great Aunts, etc…maybe you should get one of those really expensive stollers and take the Soph for a jog in the early PM…painting…write more…work on that book…restlessness and the blues come as a set…FORCE yourself to activity…or, you could read my blog later in the day…

  2. I have been on the other side. My husband deals with mental illness that runs in his family. He just recently spent one night in the psych ward, but quickly found out that he wasn’t THAT crazy! He gets depressed, irritable, mad at the world. It’s hard to see him go through this. They changed his meds a bit. It has seemed to make a world of difference. I’m glad to hear that you recognize that you need help. Hang in there. Most of the time it is just the matter of finding the right mixture of meds. Keep us posted on your progress.

  3. You are strong. You have recognized that this is not who you are. You are not afraid to say it outloud and seek out help. Hormones and chemical balances are so complicated, and affect so many levels of our lives. I hope the right treatment will soon be found, and that you will feel yourself again. I love you!

  4. I am so sorry you have had to go through this!! I wish there was more I could do to help! You can always take UP’s suggestion and we can go running together – ha ha!! Love you girl!!

  5. You are definitely strong!! And I love your rubber cement analogy (or is it a metaphor? I don’t know.). I know I could use a little more stick in some places and a little more flexibility in others…

  6. you’re not punching yourself in the bathroom yet, are you? cuz if you do, then you know you’ve REALLY lost it 😉 prayers for you right now!

  7. I think you wrote this about me instead of you. No… you have your marbles, rubber cemented as they are. I still haven’t located mine from when I lost them.

    And I am blaming Yaz for this too, justsoyouknow!

    BTW- love who you became a facebook fan of!

  8. You are my hero Jenny! I am thankful for your words and honesty…you WILL get better because that is just what you do, this is just one hurdle you need to leap over and keep going girl! I love the way you put things into perspective! Keep us posted and good luck!! Go get ’em!!

  9. I have had some of the same things going on lately too. Also have had some family life disruptions causing some of it. Thanks for your honesty and sharing something that is more common than you would think.

  10. Don’t worry Jenny you are NOT alone. I have bouts of this myself.

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