It’s been the whole of this year, 2009, that I’ve been battling anxiety and depression, a battle that truly took me by surprise and to me at least, seemed to come out of nowhere. I’ve written countless posts about feeling bad, getting meds, getting new meds, feeling better, all the ups and downs that go with that sort of thing.
And for awhile, I’ve been doing great. What struggles I had were barely worth mentioning, until a couple of weeks ago. Then, for some reason, the wicked afternoons started to return. They’re a different incarnation of themselves, characterized by restlessness and a dark mood rather than weepiness – but they’re unwelcome just the same.
I wake up fine, cheerful, albeit a bit groggy, every morning, ready to start my day. Sophie and I have fun together. And then after I put her down for her nap, and before Joshua gets home at 3:15, I can feel the heaviness start to settle over me. I don’t want to do ANYTHING, yet I am restless. I don’t want to sit still, I don’t want to read a book, I don’t want to do the dishes (shocker), I don’t want to play with the kids. It’s very unsettling and generally by the time Bobby gets home from work I am climbing the walls!
So. I have a doctor’s appointment next week. I can’t help but think something chemical is being kooky in my body.
In my mind, I have been referring to anytime before 2009 as “before I lost my marbles”. Before I lost my marbles, I used to pay our bills, for instance. Recently I’ve had to give that back over to my husband. It used to not bother me at all but now it causes me lots of anxiety. That is one marble I haven’t minded letting go of.
But most of the rest of my marbles, I’ve gathered back together and glued comprehensively with rubber cement. I want to keep them, at least the ones that make me who I am. Maybe at times I’ll have to stretch the rubber cement, free a marble, and re-cement it somewhere that it fits a little more comfortably. I, like the rubber cement, am flexible, and I hope, I hope, I can be as strong.