A long, long time ago, I had the dumb bright idea to start graduate school. Sam was an infant, I was having an identity crisis… it seemed like a good idea at the time. To me. Not so much to Jenny.

It didn’t take long for me to second-guess that decision.

Along the way, I’ve moaned and whined about the entire experience, and you’ve all been there for me. Seriously, the comments on the posts I linked to above? Made me tear up a little.

Despite all my complaining, I managed to finish my coursework in the spring of 2010. A year and a half ago. Since then, the only thing standing between me and the hood I’ve envied for so long was one little thing – my thesis.

I’ve worried about it, put it off, and generally felt bad about it for so long…

But I am so relieved to report that it. Is. Finished.

Not just written – defended. And I passed.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that this thing is over and how much I appreciate your support throughout the whole debacle.

Now, I am going to sleep. (Yes it is 7p.m., what’s your point?)

Tomorrow, I move on with my life.

One of the many things I struggle with is how big of a deal to make out of things – and by “things,” I mean failures on my part. Once I get started thinking about one thing, a giant list of other things I need to do or fix or clean or whatever comes to the forefront of my mind… and I can’t let them go. Not that I actually do anything about them, I might add. Most of the things on this list have been on it and will remain on it for a long, long time. Why? Because I suck. Add that to the list.

Most of the time, this stuff worries me when I don’t have the opportunity to do anything about it – when I’m laying in bed at night, or when I’m at work. Why? Because I suck.

Anyway, every once in a while when I do have a semi-rational thought, it occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, I might be stressing out about things that don’t need to be priorities. But then I think that’s a cop out and I really just need to get some shit done.

So. Here’s my list. At least here’s what I can think of right now. I’m sure there’s more.

– I need to find an organizational system for our kitchen. Piles of papers on the counter make me crazy.
– I need to hook up the super awesome printer I bought, I don’t know, probably six months ago. It’s been sitting in a corner since then.
– I need to clean out my closet and move summer stuff downstairs.
– I need to change the batteries in the smoke detectors.
– I need to pack better lunches for Kate.
– I need to get up earlier.
– I need to eat breakfast.
– I need to lose 7 pounds.
– I need to clean out the room in our basement that could be on an episode of Hoarders.
– I need to organize our digital pictures.
– I need to cook dinner wayyyyyy more than I do.
– I need to drink more water.
– I need to keep my car cleaner.
– I need to organize my desk.

Each of those things have just about equal importance in my mind, and I berate myself equally for not doing each of them.

So, friends, do you have a list like this? What’s on it?

And for the love of God, what should I do first?

Excuse me while I whine for a moment.

I am so tired of being so tired.

Can I get an amen?

I know you’re all in the same boat with me and I shouldn’t complain, because really I have it good… but today I’m having a hard time looking on the bright side.

I’m tired of staying up too late. I’m tired of not being able to get out of bed on time. I’m tired of getting myself and two kids out the door every morning. I’m tired of my 40 minute commute. I’m tired of evenings being rushed. I’m tired of being late for everything. I’m tired of having so many balls in the air. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing a good job at anything. I’m tired of being in a seemingly-never-ending funk.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be this way. But I’m not sure how to fix it.