All Over the Map.

First of all, I’ve got to say that there is so much more important stuff going on in the world and even in our lives that I feel ridiculous grumbling about my upcoming surgery… but I am about to do it anyway.

When I first found out I needed a hysterectomy, I was all “let’s do this thing.”

The closer I get to the actual surgery, though, the more nervous I get. I wish I had been able to have it done in January like I thought, and hadn’t had three months to obsess about it. Anyway, I am getting very anxious about a couple things.

1. We were done having kids. Like 99.2 percent sure we were done. Our kids are 10 and 6, our family is in the sweet spot of child rearing, we were good to go. Except now that it’s completely certain that we’re not having any more kids, Andy and I are both getting a little sad about it. Not that we would probably have another even if I decided to keep my uterus intact, but it feels weird that we are completely closing that door. I guess it’s a want-what-you-can’t-have thing. Or at least a want-because-you-can’t-have thing. I don’t know, but it’s weird.

2. I am getting super nervous about surgical menopause. I don’t really understand what’s going to happen when I wake up and my body has no estrogen. I don’t know if it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks, or if my body will hang on to whatever is in there for a while and it’ll be more gradual. I don’t even know what “it” is. This is something that I would normally obsess about and research the hell out of, but to be honest I haven’t had time to delve into an internet rabbit hole. I’ve read some stuff here and there, but not enough. I haven’t made a single spreadsheet. And I really don’t anticipate having the time to do any of that between now and the end of March. So I guess I’ll just show up at the hospital and do what they tell me to do. Is that what normal, non-obsessive compulsive people do? I don’t really know.

Conversely, though, yesterday I had such bad cramps I wanted someone to yank my uterus out stat. That, my friends, is something I will not miss.

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One Reply to “All Over the Map.”

  1. Please check out Hystersisters.com You can find out so much information on the website and get all your questions answered and a lot of support from women who are going through or have gone through what you are. I had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago and it was not nearly as bad as I expected. If you get to keep your ovaries surgical menopause may not be too bad. Your doctor should be a good source of information as well. Good luck to you and hope you have a speedy recovery!

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