On Friday, we hosted a holiday party for my husband’s co-workers. In the course of the evening, I had the exact same conversation with two different men… both dads, one of two and one of three. Here’s the basic idea…
“Having two kids is SO DIFFERENT than having one. I mean, with one, one parent can be on duty while the other one does something completely separate. Then when you have two, ugh, it’s just so complicated!”
I’ve been thinking about these conversations on and off for the last couple days, and it’s really gotten me wondering… and I thought I’d turn to you all for advice.
Is the switch from having one child to two more or less dramatic than going from zero to one? What are the biggest challenges that come with having more than one? Is what those guys told me just man code for “My wife let me go out with the boys even less after Number Two was born?”
And (for the love of God) please tell me the good things, too!! ‘Cause really, it’s too late to turn this train around, and I could use some optimism. I mean there must be something to it… right???
Then, after you all figure this out for me, maybe we can work on answering the number one most popular question of Friday evening… “Emily, where on earth are you going to put pictures of the new baby? You’re going to have to build more walls!”
With Kate being nearly 4 and her being such a smart little cookie, you will find the adjustment to be pretty easy- so much easier than the 2 in diapers scene. Plus you and Andy will be so over the top enamored with Baby Berry that you won’t know what to do.
Ha whatever MOM! It’s gonna be TORTURE! Just kidding Em, you will be fine, since Kate takes herself to the potty, you will never have to nurse a baby while trying to get your 3 year old on to the potty to take a poop. OR nurse a baby while trying to get the not-yet-potty-trained 3 yo’s pants down before he pees all over the floor…y’all could do this with your eyes closed. Which you probably WILL since you are not going to sleep again for at least three years. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Mine are 3 years apart, and it’s been a relatively easy transition.
If you husband is involved now, things will be easy. If he’s used to being a part of the bedtime routine, the bath time routine, meals, etc., it’ll be easier for the two of you to divide and conquer. My husband and I always did things together with our oldest. After the baby came, it was easy for us to readjust. He puts the older one to bed, I put the baby to bed. I say goodnight to the older one, and we’re done. No extra time was needed.
You’ll have to readjust routines a little bit, but it doesn’t take long to figure out what works. Just give Kate plenty of love and attention.
I thought one to two was a piece of cake, and they were only 23 months apart. However, 2 to 3 is what made me crazy. Of course, the oldest was not quite 4 and the 2nd had turned 2 the week before….so that said, I do NOT recommend 3 kids in less than 4 years if you would like to stay anywhere near sane 🙂 lol.
It was so much easier than I had thought it would be (this is coming from a mom who had hers 21 months apart (two under two) and because of his stroke Evan was not even walking then). It was a lot of work at first but as Harry got older things got easier. Now it is a piece of cake. They play togetherand they are able to do a lot of things on their own to help me out. I am scared to contemplate three kids though. I am not sure I am ready to be out numbered.
Well I guess I am the only retarded one then! Cause I thought it was VERY DIFFICULT! 🙂
Our children are almost 8 yrs apart…and I didn’t think it would be hard at all!! Shock of my life! I think at any age, you are going to have some difficulties, but it’s so worth it. We are however having a hard time finding more wall space…hmmm…bigger house in store? The honest to goodness real struggle is making sure that our oldest doesn’t feel left out…everyone LOVES babies…and they go on and on about them. While being older doesn’t get much attention for their age. If you have a routine, stick to it, even when the baby arrives, or make small adjustments. I think it’s too much for the older child when everything changes. It’s much easier to get the baby into the routine we are all used to. The most important thing though is to enjoy every minute. With a second child, you are much more confident…hey the first is still thriving right? They don’t stay little for long!
For us, adjusting from zero to one was the hardest. It was such a difficult transition after five years of marriage. We couldn’t just do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. It was hard to give up our childless freedom! But, it was totally worth it, and parenting is ten times more rewarding!
I thought the second one was easier and mine are 19 months apart. My second one is so low maintenance compared to her energetic older brother. Both of mine were still in diapers, but it wasn’t really a big deal. When you’re changing diapers anyway, what’s addin’ in a few more every day. It’s still gross, but you do it out of necessity.
I can take my kids out fairly easily, but it’s my older one I worry about. He’s the one to make a scene (now that he’s two), not my little nine-month-old. She just goes with the flow and makes everything seem so simple!
Hopefully Kate will be a good second mommy to your little one instead of trying to kill the baby with her toys. I think there is an advantage to having a girl first. She mothers the younger kids instead of torturing them!
I thought that going from one kid to two was at least as big of a transition as having the first one was. But then again, my first two kids were only 20 months apart, so I really still had 2 babies… The first year wasn’t the difficulty though – it wasn’t until Hannah became mobile and started getting into Abby’s things, and we had 2 who could run in opposite directions that things started to get interesting. 🙂
I was dumb enough to think, “I’ve done this before. I got this baby thing down.” My difficulty wasn’t adjusting to the new baby, but to the new baby.. with a 3 year old… and a house move… and LIFE. I found that I terribly underestimated the impact that having another one was, which led to my hard transition. If I had taken it a bit more seriously I think I would have fared better.
But good for you, Emily. You are already thinking about the impact that Deuce is having on you and your family. You have started to adjust already… which I am sure will help out you and your family in the long run.
There are some things you can prepare for when you go from 1 kid to 2, and some things you can’t. It’s challenging to parent a toddler or preschooler when you are sleep deprived from the baby. It’s challenging to split your attention between two kids, especially when they both need you at exactly the same moment! The challenge is different depending on the personality of your two kids. My younger one would actually sleep. And in his crib. Without being rocked for over an hour. Which meant he was a less challenging baby than his brother had been, but we still had a very challenging 2 1/2 year old to deal with. You already know Kate, so you can somewhat plan for what will be most challenging and exciting for her in having a new sibling. But part of the amazing thing about my boys is how very different they are. Your next baby will be his or her (wish we knew which) own very unique individual self. Part of the amazing joy of parenting more than one child is getting to know an entirely new person who isn’t a carbon copy of your other kids. The new baby will be a whole new personality to fall in love with. And soon, you can’t imagine your family mix without that person and personality to spice it up!
I went from 1 to 3, BUT I think it is nice when you have more than one, because it makes the parental workload more balanced. My husband is one of the more involved and awesome dads you could encounter… but he wasn’t quite as awesome when we only had our daughter. Maybe because I am a selfish piece of crap, I wasn’t entirely thrilled when he would go watch football and I would try to clean the kitchen AND entertain Miss Baby. But once the twins came along, he stepped it up, and it was much easier on our marriage. (Not that he didn’t try to give me relaxation time when we just had our first, but she would always come looking for me and he would only try to stop her a few times and then get discouraged…)
So maybe that’s why it was DADS saying two is so much harder… 😉
With an almost 4-year age difference, I think you’ll do great. Just be prepared to go easy on Kate and on yourself for the first few months — give yourselves a family “maternity leave” to adjust to the new normal. My kids definitely got wild for a few days after the newest baby came home, and I was sort of freaking out, but they got over it within a week. So just roll with it if Kate is not like herself at first.
My biggest challenge was with the first, once I lost my abililty to get up and go at a moment’s notice the rest just fell into place. On another note I found it easy to go from two to three. Everyone said that was tough, and I barely noticed. You’ll be fine, what do the guys really know about what’s going on at home anyway? 🙂 Talk to their wives!!
Em, this one isn’t for you, but for Berry:
Dude, you will never again have monochromatic play-doh!
Seriously, you guys will be fine. Play up Kate’s job as big-sis; no matter what age the older one is, when a new baby comes home they like to “help” at whatever level they can because they see how much you appreciate their help.
I had an old Easter basket I kept a travel-sized wipie box and a few diapers in for Princess Pinky when we brought home Prince Tatertot. Even though she was only 21 months, she could still help me if I needed to change his diaper. I’d ask her, “Can you go get the diaper basket for Mommy?” and damn if she wouldn’t toddle her big belly down the hall at top speed, looking for that basket. And it really did help me!
As for the sleep deprivation, juggling two out the door instead of one, the being pulled in different directions…well, it is what it is. Every child should think they’re incredibly and uniquely special gifts from God (as they all are); no child should grow up thinking the world revolves solely around them. A younger sibling takes care of that quite nicely!
Hang in there!
Marianne (mom to 3 in 4.5 years)
Ahem…Let’s see, for me (being a 3 kid pro *shining my nails against my sweater*), it was harder going from none to one. Our kids are two years and change apart in age difference. Our second was easier and here are some reasons:
A) We had all the baby junk already
B) Our first was really easy (slept through the night after three months)
C) Our second was easier (slept through the night after a month)
D) We have never valued our social life over our family life. period.
E) Some other reason
10) Cause we love each other and everything works out
I hope this list helps you as you come to grips with #2. I have had some amazing positives having our second and they are as follows:
A) First child has instant built in friend
B) Second child has instant mentor
C) Less Parenting needs to happen with second
D) Kids are hilarious and more than one is non-stop laughs
7) Holidays are soooo much more fun with a crowd
You are now completely equiped to go forth and be positive. Holla!
I truely believe it depends on who this little bundle of joy turns out to be. Babies aren’t just babies, they have their own unique personality and sometimes they can be easy and sometimes they can be more difficult. It really depends on what God is blessing your family with. My first one, Tosh, was so easy. She could sit in a high chair at a coffee shop while I visited with my friends and just smile and giggle at everyone who went by. She never cried and was perfectly well behaived every where we went. I thought I was the greatest mother that had ever lived. Four years later we were blessed with Krisha. I felt like I knew nothing about parenting. She screamed her head off the first year of her life. She didn’t want to snuggle, she didn’t want to nurse, she was wiggly, stuborn, and demanding. I realized later that I did know a lot about parenting, I just didn’t know Krisha yet. It got easier after a while. The awesome thing is that if you know Krisha now you will see God’s plan in all of that. She is an amazing, determined,young woman that doesn’t stop until she accomplishes what she has set out to do. She works hard and doesn’t tire easily. She is very decerning and wise. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
My point of all this being the old mom that I am: This new little person is being created just for Andy, Kate, and you. He or she will fit perfectly whether it is easier or harder than it was with Kate.
Make sure Kate is your “Big Helper” in everything you do, and she won’t feel lost at all, she’ll find a new place that is more exciting than being a baby. Tell everyone that is gawking over the baby what an awesome helper Kate has been and that you don’t know what you would do without her. Make her love being big and she will never resort to seeking “baby attention.”
I was terrified of going from 1 to 2, since they would only be 18 months apart, but it has been pretty easy. It has it’s moments, but so did going from 0 to 1. It helps that Matthew has been pretty easy and Scarlett is such a good baby. The hardest thing for me was not getting to nap with her like I did with Matthew, and that was less of sleep deprivation issue than it was just something I really enjoyed about his infancy and I didn’t get to do it with her because I needed to tend to him, or do housework.
Having a husband who helps out definitely makes a difference though – I can’t imagine doing it if he didn’t help.
I went from single no kids and a dog, to marriedwith a baby and a second on the way in less than a year…(we got preg with the first on our wedding night and were 6 weeks preg with # 2 on our first anniversary. they are 9 mos and 24 days apart. THAT was hard….the older started walking about the time the younger started trying to sit so would run over and knock him back down cause he could…
My husband went back OTR trucking during this time and we bought land and moved, so i am not 1000% sure all the hard was simply going from one to two.
Steff