Sadly, I have finished every available episode of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix. {Sad face.} I must confess, I loved every. single. minute. I can’t wait until the next season is available on Netflix!
I wasn’t just entertained by T&T, I was educated. And because I love you, my dear readers, so very much, I am going to share with you, the top ten gems of knowledge I gleaned from three heart-stopping seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras. Here goes!
1) If your daughter’s name is Kayleigh (many, many spellings), Kylee, or anything that rhymes with those two names, she will do well in pageants. Keep that in mind, pregos of the world.
2) People who like to put their daughters in pageants also like to give their daughters crazy-a$$ names like “Cealy” and “Salee” (pronounced See-lee and Say-lee). (These two girls were of course BEST FRIENDS, also.) Listen people, if “Cealy” or “Salee” was not your mother’s maiden name, or your maiden name, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS NAMING YOUR KID THAT. It’s just ridiculous. Quit making up names! (I’m talking to you, mother of Sparkal Queenz.)
3) Many three-year-old “divas” will scream and cry when you glue fake eyelashes onto them and pierce their scalps with hairpins. WEIRD!! Also, they don’t like getting their eyebrows plucked. Wusses.
4) Pageant moms are either a) crazy b) their child’s slaves or c) living vicariously through their daughters. Although I am not sure why they would want to wear a short, 70-pound dress covered in heavy stones with six petticoats, a weave, fake eyelashes, and fake teeth, but…THEY DO.
5) If you let your four-year-old throw screaming fits during her sessions with her pageant coach and use a pacifier, she will NOT do well in pageants. But, she will still be your princess. And, her failure to succeed will always be the judges fault.
6) If you dress your daughter like a slutty pop star for the talent competition, she will do well. Even if she is a two-year-old in a Madonna-esque cone bra bustier. Yay for YOU!
7) Spray tanning a dancing four-year-old is “challenging”.
8 ) When a pageant mom sees her five-year-old onstage dressed up like a twenty-five-year-old (in a short dress), she will cry. Because apparently that’s touching?
9) Every pageant mom thinks her daughter stands out in a crowd because of her “personality”. Every. Last. One. Also, their personalities all SHINE when they’re onstage. SHINE, I tell you!
10) All the judges are looking for the “total package”. What is the total package? It’s like, the total package. DUH.
Share the wealth! What have YOU learned from watching all those pageant princesses?
It’s an amazing show. I have learned from watching only 30 seconds of one episode, NOT TO WATCH IT!
UP
I watched one episode and learned what a “flipper” was. Until then I thought Flipper was a dolphin.
lol! Totally true. You’re probably too nice to mention it but there is an 11) There is an inverse relationship between the attractiveness of the mother and her enthusiam towards pageants- i.e.- there are a lot of realllllly unattractive pageant moms on T&T.
I love it though. It’s my quilty pleasure show I watch when my husband is out of town. That and Dance Moms.
#11 – totally true!!!!!!!!
I’ve watched a few episodes and it’s definitely like watching a train wreck… If the train seemed to be wrecking on purpose, but was determined to hold a fake smile and a wave and insist, “I LOVE doing this!” It’s really hard for me not to talk to the TV (yell at it) when watching it. Point #5 is the one that made me shake my head and say, “YES.” Especially the last line. There’s some serious delusions going on. And the personality thing kills me too. They are obsessed with this supposed stage “personality” all their kids have! Even the babies. Yeesh.
I’ve watched it and I like it but I also don’t like it at the same time. I recently put my daughter who is 6 months old in a pageant last month. However it was a natural beauty pageant and I didn’t spend very much at all and all the girls get a crown and trophy. I really enjoyed that kind of pageant. It teaches girls that they don’t need makeup to be beautiful and that to be themselves and I think there should be more pageants like that.
So true!!! Also, the best way to get your two year old to perform is to give them pop and pixie sticks!!! Who knew!?! Oh, and if the kid is screaming and throwing a temper tantrum it means they love being in pageants!
Is that a real girl or a doll? Creepy either way.
I’m not allowed to watch that show. I get all worked up and end up yelling at the TV. My husband is afraid I might have a stroke so he has asked me to refrain from watching it. Plus I scare our children with all of the yelling and gesturing.
Hooray for guilty pleasure TV watching! Especially the kind we can compare ourselves to and feel better about our own parenting!
If you like this show, then you have to watch Dance Moms! I think your top 10 will apply to that show as well. Crazy!
What about the luxuriating, Jenny?? It’s all about the luxuriating, darn it.
That is my new favorite verb!
I have learned that the people who organize and run pageants…..ummmm…..how do I say this delicately? Probably never won a pageant as a child.