You think you know someone.
And then she goes and gets girly on you.
If you’ve been reading this
travesty blog for awhile, you know that I have a smidge of a vanity issue. I likes to look purty. I also enjoy looking at myself in any and all available mirrors, and taking self-portraits on Instagram (where you should totally follow me, BTW, I’m @jennyrapson.) Additionally, I enjoy lots of eye makeup and scarves. Jewelry I like but don’t wear as much since Jonah pulls on necklaces but one day I’ll be back with the necklaces, just you wait.
Emily, however, has seemed to view makeup and accessories as more of a necessary evil. I mean she likes to look nice, and fortunately for her she is the opposite of ugly, which helps, but she’s been a bit less fussy about her appearance than moi. In fact, her pattern has been to openly mock me for my vanity and eye-roll at my primping.
(Well she still mocks me about the Instagram self-portraits. I secretly think it’s because she WANTS TO DO IT HERSELF.)
Sometime this past year, I began noticing Emily with a little more bling on her outfits. Her shoes got fancier and cuter. She began pinning outfits on Pinterest, and for Christmas? Her husband bought her A NECKLACE TREE. Because, you know, SHE HAS SO MANY NECKLACES. Let’s take a look at exhibit A, here people a pic of Emily and me from Christmas 2011. Who is the most fussy, I ask you?
Not only does Emily have on two necklaces, and large earrings, but look at the bottom of the photo – she also has like, legwarmer thingies over her boots. They are super cute but I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY’RE CALLED! Remember when I used to be fashionable? Well, I am here to say that Emily and I have switched places. And now, she is taking her newfound vanity to a new level.
As you read this, Emily will…have…I can’t even bear to write it…a SPRAY TAN. That’s right. Miss Vanity USA 2012 couldn’t embrace her natural white color. In preparation for Mom 2.o in Miami, she went to a friends’ BASEMENT, stripped to her skivvies, and got a spray tan.
Something I will NEVER – mark my words – NEVER do! God made me white and the only way I want to be brown is if I am in the SUN. I was downright shocked when she told me. Here’s how our instant message conversation went:
OK but i have a confession to make if you are still there and not pilates-ing
i’m back. confess
i am getting a spray tan tomorrow
i can’t even make time to GET MY EYEBROWS WAXED and YOU ARE GETTING A SPRAY TAN.
once again. who ARE you?
time to start the “emily is vain” blog category. finally!!
i am so freaking pale it is gross
so am I, cousin, except it’s NOT gross because it’s the way GOD MADE ME.
we’d be dirty and poor if we had tans and we were on downton abbey
please blog about this tomorrow
SO there you go. Emily is vainer than Jenny. She has betrayed the paleness of our twice-interwined genes. Hell has frozen over, pigs can fly, and I hardly ever drink Mountain Dew anymore. Is this the twilight zone or WHAT??
Now I advised cousin Emily that getting a spray tan the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE for Miami might not be the best idea. (I learned this from watching Toddlers & Tiaras, of course. Emily is WELL on her way to being FULL GLITZ.) But she would not be deterred. So, Miami here we come! Whitey and Orangey, together forever, we’re going to be like the human Creamsicle. Un-freaking-forgettable! Get ready!