Besprayed. I mean Betrayed.

You think you know someone.

And then she goes and gets girly on you.

If you’ve been reading this travesty blog for awhile, you know that I have a smidge of a vanity issue.  I likes to look purty. I also enjoy looking at myself in any and all available mirrors, and taking self-portraits on Instagram (where you should totally follow me, BTW, I’m @jennyrapson.)   Additionally, I enjoy lots of eye makeup and scarves.  Jewelry I like but don’t wear as much since Jonah pulls on necklaces but one day I’ll  be back with the necklaces, just you wait.

Emily, however, has seemed to view makeup and accessories as more of a necessary evil. I mean she likes to look nice, and fortunately for her she is the opposite of ugly, which helps, but she’s been a bit less fussy about her appearance than moi.  In fact, her pattern has been to openly mock me for my vanity and eye-roll at my primping.

Has been.

(Well she still mocks me about the Instagram self-portraits.  I secretly think it’s because she WANTS TO DO IT HERSELF.)

Sometime this past year, I began noticing Emily with a little more bling on her outfits.  Her shoes got fancier and cuter.  She began pinning outfits on Pinterest, and for Christmas?  Her husband bought her A NECKLACE TREE.  Because, you know, SHE HAS SO MANY NECKLACES.   Let’s take a look at exhibit A, here people a pic of Emily and me from Christmas 2011.  Who is the most fussy, I ask you?

 

Not only does Emily have on two necklaces, and large earrings, but look at the bottom of the photo – she also has like, legwarmer thingies over her boots. They are super cute but I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY’RE CALLED!  Remember when I used to be fashionable?  Well, I am here to say that Emily and I have switched places.  And now, she is taking her newfound vanity to a new level.

As you read this, Emily will…have…I can’t even bear to write it…a SPRAY TAN.  That’s right.  Miss Vanity USA 2012 couldn’t embrace her natural white color.  In preparation for Mom 2.o in Miami, she went to a friends’ BASEMENT, stripped to her skivvies, and got a spray tan.

Something I will NEVER – mark my words – NEVER do!  God made me white and the only way I want to be brown is if I am in the SUN. I was downright shocked when she told me.  Here’s how our instant message conversation went:

Emily says:

OK but i have a confession to make if you are still there and not pilates-ing

Jenny says:

i’m back. confess

Emily says:

i am getting a spray tan tomorrow

Jenny says:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

i can’t even make time to GET MY EYEBROWS WAXED and YOU ARE GETTING A SPRAY TAN.

once again. who ARE you?

time to start the “emily is vain” blog category. finally!!

Emily says:

hahahahaha

i am so freaking pale it is gross

Jenny says:

so am I, cousin, except it’s NOT gross because it’s the way GOD MADE ME.

and you.

have mercy

we’d be dirty and poor if we had tans and we were on downton abbey

Emily says:

please blog about this tomorrow

——————-

SO there you go. Emily is vainer than Jenny. She has betrayed the paleness of our twice-interwined genes.  Hell has frozen over, pigs can fly, and I hardly ever drink Mountain Dew anymore.  Is this the twilight zone or WHAT??

Now I advised cousin Emily that getting a spray tan the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE for Miami  might not be the best idea. (I learned this from watching Toddlers & Tiaras, of course.  Emily is WELL on her way to being FULL GLITZ.)  But she would not be deterred.  So, Miami here we come! Whitey and Orangey, together forever, we’re going to be like the human Creamsicle.  Un-freaking-forgettable! Get ready!

 

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Comments

  1. Oh My Cow!

    UP

  2. I love y’all.

  3. In the words of famous pushy pageant moms everywhere:

    GO GLITZ OR GO HOME!

    and I love the fact that Emily was not only spray tanned, but spray tanned IN A BASEMENT!

  4. The human creamsicle. I am rolling. :D

  5. Where is the photo? For the benefit of the blog, I pray her tan turns out totally tangerine. Best wishes. :)

  6. Ok let me clear a few things up for you. First of all, my vanity could never eclipse yours. It’s just not possible. If you’d like to compare make up bags at the hotel, let’s do it. Secondly, it wasn’t in a basement, it was in a shower. And frankly, if I’m going to be standing around making small talk with someone in my underwear, it is preferable for that person to be someone I’ve known for 20+ years. AND it turned out well. So there.

  7. Christa says:

    Thank you Em for the basement clarification :) I had a strong feeling there would be a blog. Too funny! Always enjoy reading what you two have to say. Enjoy your trip!

  8. You too are hilarious.

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