I am many things. I am mom to this little cutie:
And this sweetheart boy:
But I am in a place where I am not entirely familiar with myself. It’s a bit unsettling.
It’s been an interesting week or so for me. Last week I spoke of a tightness in my chest that I thought was related to anxiety; four days of it and a trip to the ER later and I find out it’s actually an allergic reaction to Prozac, which I’d been taking for three weeks. So, today I go back to the doctor, which was already planned, and I suppose we’ll talk about a plan B.
I feel somewhat like a science experiment. I know all of it – the hormones and whatever other medication I end up taking – will take time to become effective. But I am growing weary of waiting.
Sometimes I feel ok, and sometimes I really don’t. I’ve always been blessed with good self-esteem; my brothers are fond of saying that my self-esteem “is like a broken bone. If you break it, it just grows back stronger.” (They credit themselves then, for what has been my extraordinarily good self-image.) But recently I’ve had some moments, many more than I’d like, when my self-esteem has been less than stellar. I’m not used to disliking myself. It’s not a good feeling. That sounds overly-simple, but I don’t know how else to say it.
I have things I am so excited about. I am excited about Mom’s Nite Out tonight and seeing all my friends. Keeping busy is good for my spirit. But in the quiet of the evening, after my kids are in bed, I’m left with restlessness and agitation. Sitting down to write this tonight, I was at a loss.
“I don’t know what to say,” I said to my husband. “I don’t know who to be.”
I imagine you only want to hear about the superhappyfun things in my life. I’ll do my best to bring those things to the forefront. But I haven’t exactly had any magical moments lately.
So right now I hope you’ll hang with me as I try to figure out how to be me. To get back to me. I promise, I am working on it.
Oh Jenny, we are your friends and that means we are here for the fun and the not-so-fun (especially the not-so-fun). I’m am here if you ever need someone to talk to. Luff you!
Jenny, This makes me want to give you a big hug. You don’t have to put on the “shiny happy person” persona if you’re having a tough time. I think most of us understand what you’re going through and know that it’s pretty cruddy 🙁 Hope your appt goes well!
Remember you are not alone. There are plenty of us that go through this from time to time. We are here for you! GL at the docs.
Crummy, huh? I’ve had periods in my life like that…just at a loss as to who I was right then, what I should be doing with myself…felt like I was living in a haze. It’s tough!!! I hope you get some serious answers and a good plan today.
Oh Jenny, I can only imagine what that must be like. I am so sorry. I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug! Good luck at your appointment today. I hope they get this figured out soon!
Jenny, I think it’s totally natural for us all to feel this way time to time…especially mothers, and especially those who don’t work outside the home. I fall in that group, and I’ve felt those same exact ways. Praying you’ll feel better!
So sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. Hoping that your doctor can help you come up with a good “plan B”.
Hugs to you across cyberspace.
I’m there. For the past two weeks, I’ve barely had the will to shower, much less be a decent parent or wife. I blame part of it on the change in the weather as I am extraordinarily sensitive to that. But the rest… I don’t know. I don’t feel depressed or sad. I just feel lost.
Jenny, I so understand! I have been feeling this way a lot myself lately. I hope what you’ll be trying next will work for you. You deserve to feel “well”!
Oh my Dear Jenny – I will continue to pray for you and your family. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. Want the kiddos to come visit Aunt Lori for a week, or two? That would be FUN!
Jenny – I was TOTALLY there during my pregnancy and for about a year after my daughter was born. It’s miserable and seems impossible, but it does get better. My husband and I are getting ready to try for #2 and it scares me to death to have to go back to that place. No one minds reading what you’re going through. I know how much it helps! Keep busy as much as you can…that definitely helps too!
okay. im crying. love you.
Jenny, of COURSE I don’t only want to hear the super-fun and happy things about your life! I come hear to read/see/hear about YOU. And Emily. Not just the shiny, pretty parts, either.
I have a healthy self-image (thank you, Mom and Dad, for telling me how smart I am a million times while I was growing up), but on the flip side, I also struggle with who I am, what I’m supposed to be doing, where I’m supposed to go, how can I get there, am I doing the right thing…and on and on.
So, I can imagine how you feel right now. But I wish you didn’t. Hang in there with the medication situation – you’ll get it figured out. And until things get better, we’re all here!
Hangin’… and not going anywhere.
Prayin’ for ya, girl.
i LOVE that you wrote about this. i actually stumbled upon you on myspace probably 2 or so years ago. and recently found this blog. i’ve been struggling with depression since i was very young, and so many people have a hard time talking about it. i think it’s perfectly ok to admit that you feel less than 100% sometimes. you’re in my prayers!