Mommin' It Up!

January 19, 2015January 18, 2015

Things I Hate

I know you all love it when I’m angry, and I’ve been sick for over a week and am exhausted and overwhelmed/ living in a house that is DEFCON TWELVE level messy, and my kids have not one but TWO DAYS OFF school this week so I’m peeeeved.

Therefore. Thing I hate. Let’s start with hashtags.

HASHTAGS I HATE:

#fitmom (I prefer #slobmom. Actually I prefer we JUST DON’T TALK ABOUT IT.)

I actually pretty much hate the word “fit” now – even when used in a definition that has nothing to do with health.

#boymom, #girlmom (really, do you we need another reason to polarize ourselves?) OHEMGEE I have boys AND a girl, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??

#dogsofinstagram – no explanation needed

#disneyside – ain’t got one

PEOPLE I HATE:

All these people who named all these kids. But especially the ones who NAMED THEIR BABY HASHTAG. #donotnameyourbabyhashtag

I know as I good Christian I shouldn’t hate people, so I promise Jesus and I will talk about this soon, and eventually I won’t hate them. But at the time of writing…HATE.

RANDOM THINGS I HATE:

Drowning in my own phlegm

Being too sick to do anything but the basics, AKA, living in a house that looks like a dirty laundry-only episode of Hoarders.

Kids having LOTS OF DAYS OFF SCHOOL (not MLK, the OTHER ONE! AND THE SNOW DAYS!) when I expressly pay large sums of American dollars each year for them to GO TO SCHOOL.

Things I Love:

Antibiotics and Mucinex.

Happy Monday! The end.

December 4, 2013December 4, 2013

Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to get your kid for Christmas, technology edition

Welcome to another holiday edition of Jenny’s Life Klass! Last year, I bossed you around and told you what NOT to get your kids for Christmas, and this year, I’m doin’ it again. (Last year STILL APPLIES in most cases! Better go re-read it!) But with a special emphasis on technology-based presents that YOU SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY FOR YOUR KID! I know this might make some of you mad, but I have decided I can deal with that. I know you’re going to buy whatever you want for the Princes and Princesses you have spawned, but hopefully when you do, you’ll at least know that I am totally judging you. I hope that through this post I can at least put an attractively made-up version of myself on your shoulder as you enter the Walmartz and buy ALL THE INAPPROPRIATE THINGS. So let’s get to it!

Numero uno! The Fisher-Price Newborn-to-Toddler Apptivity™ seat for iPad® device

Uh, umm, uhhhhh…when I first saw this monstrosity I thought it was a joke. After I realized it was NOT a joke, I was rendered speechless. But lucky for you I found my voice! Fisher-Price, I love you, I do. I mean, I have ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE THINGS for my little guy. But really, could you NOT contribute to the zombiefication of our children? Infants and toddlers do NOT need to be strapped into a seat watching a screen! I don’t care if it’s playing Sesame Street, it’s totally unnecessary and WRONG. Little kids need in-ter-ac-tion with actual HUMANS in order to develop properly. So parents, please don’t go purchase this for little Bayleighlynne Arboretum or whatever you weirdos are naming your kids these days. Just because North West and Blue Ivy have one, it doesn’t make it right!!

Which leads me to…this…since Blue Ivy’s really old enough for this shame to humanity now:

CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad

Hey you know what would be awesome? If you could turn your kid’s brain to poop, WHILE HE POOPS! That would be totally BOSS! What, wait? Now you CAN turn your child’s developing brain into excrement while he deuces? Hallelujah! Hooray for technology! Little Chauncey (or whatever hispter name you gave your baby) no longer has to take time out of his busy Angry Birds Star Wars schedule to drop one in the pot. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Side note: the warranty on this thing actually states that you can be reported to Child Protective Services just for buying it. Purchase at your own risk, knuckleheads! (Just kidding, it doesn’t say that. Don’t sue me. But seriously, quit making crap like this.)

And finally, and here’s where you all start to hate me, but it’s cool:

Apple iPod Touch

Guess what, y’all? This is a great gift for your teenager. It is the dumbest gift EVER for your six-year-old, or even nine-year-old. I know, I know, all your kids already have one. Sorry to poop on the party. If you are one of the few, the proud, the parents who don’t bestow expensive $250 electronics on their first-graders, CONGRATS! You get an A+! If you are on the fence: do me a favor and DON’T GO THERE. Your elementary school-aged child is *probably* not so into music that he or she needs a few hundred of his favorite songs in one place. And he or she DEFINITELY does not need a portable device with an internet connection. Hello, safety anyone? They don’t need a Facebook or an Instagram, either. And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, 3rd graders do NOT need to Face Time with their friends!!

Yes, I realize these devices can be used for good purposes…I let my big kids use my iPad regularly. To play games, do math homework, study for spelling tests – absolutely. We used the HECK out of my iPad to help Sophie with her speech therapy and we will do so with Jonah when he is old enough.

(And for the record I will say iPads are better for kids, but I still think it’s wisest for the parent to be the owner. I know there are some kids who will make a great exception to this rule. None of these children are mine. They would destroy it if it were theirs.)

But using an iPod to message friends (or *eek* who knows who??) via Facebook, FaceTime, iMessage, or any other app available? Hay-ell no! It’s just not safe OR a good use of their time. Again, I am talking about elementary-age students.

Additionally, an iPod Touch is expensive and easy to lose or break. REALLY easy – and not cheap to replace. It’s too tiny and pricey for a small child to be responsible for. With the way Sophie treats the used Nintendo DS we got her on Craigslist, I SHUDDER to think of what she’d do to an iPod Touch.

So there ya go people, don’t buy your babies and primary school kids digital toys this Christmas…buy them ACTUAL TOYS.

Or I will personally send Rudolph to take a dump in your stocking!

Happy Holidays!

November 13, 2013

Old Man Winter can KISS MY GRITS

So, YESTERDAY. Was not my favorite. We lucky Ohioans woke up to a light blanketing of snow and temperatures in the 20’s. BEFORE Thanksgiving? NOT OK! Actually, I am never a fan of snow and ice, EVER, but I found yesterday’s timing to be especially obnoxious, because we’re not even half way through November yet!

Tuesdays are already my least favorite day of the week because Jonah has to be at his little toddler speech class at 8:30. I always get up at 6:30 to get the big kids off to school, but on Tuesdays I have to also try and get dressed and get my makeup done at the same time, so that I can get Jonah up, fed, and dressed as soon as the big kids leave at 7:20. I ALWAYS have to wake him up on Tuesday; it is the one day he chooses to sleep in without fail (he usually is up by 7:30).

Since it was snowy and butt-freezing cold, I used the remote start on my keychain to start my van at 7:55. We needed to leave at 8:20 so that was plenty of time to get the van defrosted and warmed up.

Or so I thought.

When Jonah and I got outside, I hit the remote button to open my sliding van door and nothing happened. So, I made sure it was unlocked and tried again. Nothing. After we trudged across the lawn, I tried to open by actually using the door handle (like in the stone ages, remember that?) but it wouldn’t budge. Tried the other door, too – same thing! The driver’s door would open so I climbed in and tried to open the door from the inside. No luck.

Jonah is, in the meantime, crying out in the snow, BECAUSE IT WAS FISHING FREEZING of course.

So, I grab him and head back into the house. He’s still crying. What the crap, mom? You said we were going bye-bye to school and now we’re not? I AM ENRAGED!! I knew I was going to have to spend some time outside to get these doors open, so I turned on a tv show for him to keep him sage and stationary while I headed back out. Then, I called his class coordinator to let her know we’d be late. (And she was less sympathetic than I thought she should be, HONESTLY. I don’t know if she thought I was making it up or what. We’ve NEVER been late before.)

Then I headed back outside to the frozen wasteland to do battle with my van doors. It took me 7 or 8 more minutes to get the driver’s side van door open. What finally did it was me pulling from the inside as I simultaneously pressed the button to automatically open it. Whew! By the time I got it open I was sweating like a horse and cursing like a sailor.

I ran back in to grab Jonah, but by now he was fully engrossed in Elmo and didn’t WANT to go bye-bye. I hauled him out to the van kicking and screaming.

He tantrumed the whole way there.

And for the first half of class.

And only cooperated for snack.

It was SUCH a waste of time and so emotionally draining. He had done really well at class the two weeks prior to this and I wish we had just stayed home. He only has 4 classes left until he turns three and goes to preschool, and I really wanted to make every one count. But thanks to Old Man Winter, our rough start to the day had totally thrown him out of whack.

I seriously barely kept it together during his class. It. Was. Awful.

So, thanks to the weather, my morning sucked big time. And I hear we are going to have a rough winter this year. I really don’t know if I’ll survive, cold weather is my mortal enemy! I may need to raid Emily’s stash of happy pills before it’s over.

At least the 8:30 class is over soon. Preschool starts at 9:10, I don’t have to STAY there with Jonah so if he acts coo-coo, OH WELL, and if he throws a fit on the way there, I can go get myself a salted caramel mocha for therapy on the way home and then watch What Not to Wear on Netflix for a couple hours before I have to go pick him up again. Right?

I mean, as long as this winter isn’t one long SNOW DAY.