Category: Emily is neurotic

There’s a circular pattern in my life that I’ve been replicating now for approximately 12 years. Here’s how it goes.

I get super depressed. –> A doc prescribes me an antidepressant. –> I become a nicer person. –> I decide there’s some reason I should no longer take said antidepressant and quit. –> I get super depressed.

It’s so much fun, you should try it sometime.

The thing is, I think I’m just one of those people who does better with a little help in the chemical balancing act. There’s nothing particularly difficult about my life – in fact, everything is really, really good. Or it should be. But since I got the bright idea to wean off my antidepressant a couple months ago, I have been struggling. I am struggling with energy and motivation, I’ve got a short temper, I cry at the drop of a hat.

I had a major emotional breakdown over dog hair a couple weeks ago. It was not a good sign.

I just do better on antidepressants. I’m less anxious and I am way less OCD. I’m able to turn off the negative, self-destructive voices in my head and I don’t curse as much.

(Okay, I am totally making up that last part.)

I’m a better wife/mother/employee/PERSON when I’m on them. And let’s HOPE I’m a better blogger – I was just searching for an example of a funny post I’ve written recently, and let me tell you – I couldn’t find ANYTHING worthwhile. So, uh, sorry about that.

Anyway, this afternoon, I am waving the white flag and asking my doc to write me yet another prescription. Here’s hoping I’m back to normal soon.

So a few weeks ago, I had the bright idea to start weaning off my anti-depressant medication that I’d been taking for about a year. (The screaming you hear is coming from my husband – he is very nervous about this new development.) Everything seemed to be going along swimmingly until yesterday. I was sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room, minding my own business, and the woman next to me couldn’t stop moving her legs. I can’t describe it. It was this incessant fidgeting, made worse by the noises her feet made as they wiggled around in her sandals.

I just about lost. my. mind.

So, of course, I texted my rage to Jenny.

She always knows just what to say to me.

Maybe, just maybe, I need that medicine after all.

As it turns out, I was right to be nervous about last week. Because it was CRAZY, both at work and at home.

I am paying for it now.

The thing with adrenal fatigue is that I just don’t have energy reserves that normally would kick in in periods of stress, lack of sleep, whatever. It’s a strange feeling, not being able to just push through. It takes a longer time for me to recover than I would like. I wish I could rewind the last 13 months and make this whole thing not have happened. While I know it’s not, it feels irreversible.

One of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now is exercise. I have no motivation and energy for much planned physical activity, and I frankly I’m scared to do too much because I don’t want to put too much stress on my body. But for the first time in, I don’t know, ever, I don’t feel strong, and that’s not a feeling I enjoy.

I want to do yoga. I need to do yoga. Yoga is magical. It’s amazing how much better my mind and body feel after a class or even a video. I don’t know where to find the time, but I’ve got to make it a priority.

Hold me to that one, ok?