Mommin' It Up!

February 25, 2009

Anxiety of the Kindergarten Variety

The past couple of weeks I’ve been a *wee* bit stressed out about two big things concerning my son Joshua. These things go together like peas & carrots: the first is that I have to get him registered for kindergarten and the second is that he will be five this Friday. FIVE years old?? When did that happen?

The kindergarten stuff is pretty complicated and not something I really want to blog about until it’s more said & done. But I allowed myself to get pretty worked up about the process, to the point where I had to have my sweet, calming husband actually go with me one day to fill out paperwork. Don’t ask, I’ll explain it at a later date, I promise.

Now all the paperwork and stuff I’ve had to fill out is done and I just have to wait on other people. This has allowed me to move on to freaking out about Joshua’s upcoming birthday festivities. I was so wrapped up in the kindergarten crap that I forgot to send an evite, so if you are a family member reading this, give me a call and I’ll tell you when the party is. Let’s hope someone shows or Joshua might not ever forgive me!

I haven’t even had time to freak out about his cake yet, because I never asked him what kind of party he wanted until two days ago. Thankfully, he said he wanted a Thomas the Tank Engine party…AGAIN! I was relieved because at this point I think I can make a Thomas cake in my sleep I’ve done it so many times. Thanks, kid, for throwing mama a bone!

So, my baby’s growing up and I’m growing more neurotic. I know you’re all shocked! I love the person he has become, but I am so sad that his childhood is flying by so fast. What am I going to do all day without my boy next year?

February 18, 2009February 18, 2009

The Strands that Bind

My little Sophie was born with a lot of hair. Until she was five months old, it stuck up like this:

And now that she’s two, it’s long and glorious:

Her hair is almost always what people comment on when they meet her for the first time. Her hair is her “thing”.

Ever since she was able to grab it in her chubby baby fists, Sophie has loved playing with my hair. On our long car ride home from vacation this summer, when she’d get fussy, I’d take my hair out of its ponytail and let her play with it. Every time I buckle her in her car seat to go anywhere, she plays with it while I fasten her buckles.

Lately, she has begun to play with her own hair quite a bit, especially when she’s tired. She’s a twirler, and every morning wakes up with a huge rat’s nest in her hair from where she’s twirled it to get herself to sleep. Which is A LOT of fun for both of us later in the day. But she must think it’s worth it, because she keeps twirlin’ no matter how much it hurts when I brush it out.

This morning after I picked her up out of her crib, we sat down on the couch for our morning snuggle. She cuddled me for a few moments and then sat up and began twirling her hair. Then, with a “lightbulb” smile, she reached for my hair and began twirling it also, mixing my dark brown and her light blonde strands together in honey-hued spiral.

As we sat there, our heads close together, attached for the moment, a real ache came over me. An ache for things to stay like this forever, for her to want to be close to me, for her to find joy in the things we share, even if it’s just long hair.

I was once a blonde little girl. So I know she won’t stay this way forever. And even though I know there’s joy in our relationship ahead, my heart dropped a little when she let go of our hair. As the spiral untwisted, so did a little bit of her babyhood. And the ache, it got a little bit stronger.

January 30, 2009

You Gotta Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em

Photo by Hop-Frog

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted about how I’m feeling. (Quick recap: birth control pills made me crazy and depressed.) The answer is complicated. I stopped taking the first pill I was on and after a few days I started to feel somewhat like my old self. I even taught a coupon class one night and it was really fun. I started taking a new pill – the one I was on five plus years ago before I had Joshua. For a few days I felt ok, mostly back to normal, but after about a week, I started feeling sick again. The nausea and headaches started, and along came lack of appetite and being unable to eat certain things. It really did feel like I was about eight or nine weeks pregnant! (I am not, I promise you.) Then Wednesday in the late afternoon, it started happening again. The depression covered me like a blanket made of steel. I couldn’t get out from under it, no matter how hard I tried to push it aside. I sobbed while I made my kids peanut butter sandwiches for dinner, and after my husband got home, went up to our bedroom to be alone.

And there alone in my bed I made a decision. I just cannot take the pill anymore. I can’t even think about going back to that dark place I was in. Maybe I can try again in a few months, but right now I need to be able to get back to me. I will just deal with my crazy hormones without adding any in to make them crazier. I just want to feel normal again, and not be afraid of what tomorrow is going to hold because of some medication I am taking. Because after how bad I felt Wednesday night, I just can’t do that to myself anymore. It’s not worth it.

So, there ya go. I give. I am crying “uncle”. I just hope I can put myself back right. It may require me going to CVS and buying six 12-packs of Mountain Dew, but I’m prepared to make the sacrifice if I have to.