Tales of a Reluctant Co-Sleeper

Co-sleeping fairy tale

Bobby and I have never co-slept with our kids. We have a few main reasons.

1) I am a terrible sleeper.

2) Bobby is a very heavy sleeper and I always feared he would smoosh an infant and not know it.

3) For the first 9 years of parenthood, we had a full-size bed. There was barely room for the both of us.

(We rectified this almost 2 years ago for our 13th anniversary. PRAISE THE LORD. King is king.)

Nevertheless, with both our boys, we have been forced into co-sleeping. Because…two parents too exhausted to throw little kids back into their own beds in the middle of the night. We eventually broke Joshua of it, but he was up in our full-size beds most nights from age 3.5-5. That was ROUGH. He loved to sleep ON my back and kick Bobby in the crotch. We’re lucky we were able to have Jonah after the abuse Bobby endured at the feet of his sleeping son. But finally. We broke free about 5 years ago. Sophie never tired to get in bed with us really (she might be my favorite) and Jonah never did either…until this fall, when he could finally get his bedroom door open.

Then it was game-on in the forced co-sleeping arena. Now Jonah sneaks into our bedroom most nights between 1 and 3 a.m. Since we have a king bed now, it’s not as bad as it was with Joshua. Although he still likes to sleep on my back or my HEAD, he pretty much leaves his dad alone. However, I am generally relegated to sleeping on about 1/16 of our giant bed as for some reason Jonah feels the need to push me as close to the edge of it as I can go without falling off.

Two nights ago, he didn’t come into our room until 3:55. And he was AWAKE. I was awakened by him plopping in between Bobby and I, sitting up, and LAUGHING. Then he said “Oh, hi guys!” and THEN he laid down and grabbed me and reached for Bobby and said “GROUP HUGS!” (He loves group hugs. We have a lot of family hugs, what can I say?) And our bed is so big, he never quite reached Bobby, and my darling husband slept right through the group hugs. Jonah made several attempts, saying, “GROOOOUP HUGS!” in a loud sing-songy voice while I muttered “No, no, no group hugs. Lay down. It’s time for sleepy. No group hugs.” He gave up on the group hugs  eventually but not on the Wayne’s World-type atmosphere he felt should be happening that moment. He was up for at least another 30 minutes, as was I…it was really fun getting him up for #%&* 7:30 preschool that morning! Pass. The. Coffee.

Another “benefit” of co-sleeping is that when you get up early to work before your kids wake up so that when they DO wake, you can PARENT instead of work…they wake up to your alarm and then you’re just screwed in a variety of ways. Welcome to my Friday. The one day that Jonah doesn’t have to get up for school, he was up at 6:00 am. Womp-womp. Talk about your all-time backfires.

So, why don’t we stop this, you ask? Well, two reasons:

1) Oh em gee, so tired in the middle of the night.

2) Jonah and Joshua share a room. We put him back in his bed, he screams and cries like the tiny monster he is, and Joshua is all wakey-ville. Also his wall adjoins Sophie’s room. So basically, if we let him sleep with us, I’m the only one awake (sometimes Bobby, but mostly me). If we put him back in his room, all 5 of us will be awake. And, all three kids get up for school at 6:30.

MOMS: Taking one for the team since the beginning of time.

So basically, I think we’re probably going to be reluctantly co-sleeping until Jonah grows out of it, which, for his brother, happened around age 5. Only ONE MORE YEAR. Maybe. <Yawn.> Do you co-sleep in your family, and is it by choice or um, “child-led”?

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Be Glad I’m not Your Mom: early morning edition

coffee mug
I ripped this off from a friend’s FB page. A) I NEED IT and my birthday is in 13 days. MAKE IT SO. B) Don’t sue me. Because…something about blood from a stone. K?

I have decided to start a series called: Be Glad I’m Not Your Mom. I considered callng it “Be Glad I’m not You’re Mom” just to make Emily’s head explode, but the thought of someone thinking I don’t know the difference between your and you’re was too much to bear.

(Before I go on, I should note that this post is categorized under Being a Mom, I can’t sleep, and Jenny is a jerk. Wait, do I even need to WRITE the post now? Jonah is still asleep. I should just go back to bed. Ugghhh.)

I get up at 6:30 to help Bobby get the kids ready for school. Many of you get up much, much earlier than this. I could rephrase that to say, “I suck much more than most of you.” Truth be told, I am not that great at being a grown-up. I think I peaked at 18. Yes, the summer after graduation. I could sleep in, I was good at everything, my brain cells had not been plundered by childbirth, etc. etc. And even if I didn’t get the chance to sleep  in, I could still SLEEP.

Have I ever mentioned that I don’t sleep well? Oh, only 4,000 times in the last seven years? Just making sure.

I don’t sleep well. However, every morning at 6:30 I am having the best sleep of my life when it is time to wake up.

Which makes me the worst early-morning mom EVER. Because A) I don’t know how to program the coffee pot to make coffee the night before and I NEED COFFEE before anyone Hey Mom‘s me. And then there’s B) The kitchen is so small that if I get in Bobby’s way and try to make coffee while he’s getting the kids’ breakfast it causes severe marital problems so I wait for my coffee until he’s done and even then he makes it which is really nice and very good because I am also not real capable of operating the coffee maker until after I’ve had  my coffee. PROBLEMATIC.

But while I wait 15 minutes or so for coffee, Joshua and Sophie hey mom me about, hmm, well, I don’t know 700-900 times approximately (each) and I just want to scream STOPTALKINGSTOPTALKINGSTOPTALKING! Especially if what follows the hey mom includes anything about &#!@% POKEMON or TINKERBELL AND THE GREAT FAIRY RESCUE.

No Joshua, I don’t know where (insert unpronounceable Pokemon name here) is. No, I DON’T know why your Pokeball (SERIOUSLY? POKEBALL??!??!) is on Jonah’s table, but I think it MIGHT BE BECAUSE you have a TWO-YEAR-OLD BROTHER AND YOU LEAVE YOUR CRAP WHERE HE CAN GET IT.

Dear Sophie, I cannot listen to you recount the scene where Tink makes Lizzie fly (the one I’ve seen 683 times, BEE TEE DUBS) because you are supposed to be putting on your pants and when you TALK FOR 10 MINUTES while putting on your pants IT TAKES YOU 10 MINUTES TO PUT ON YOUR PANTS!!!!!!!!!! So shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

(Perhaps even worse than the talking is the pre-coffee hand-eye coordination required to do Sophie’s hair. No. Never mind. That’s actually not worse. The talking is worse.)

If I’m lucky I get a few sips of coffee in before I have to get all drill-sergeant on Sophie and regiment her every single step in order to get her out the door on time. Girl. Needs. Direction.

If Joshua is lucky, I get a few sips of coffee in before he gets his OCD on and asks me if I’ve signed his agenda which he brings home every night, which he watched me sign the day before. He still has to ask me every. single. morning. even though I breathe fire at him for nagging me and asking a question he already knows the answer to every. single. morning. Because, I LOVE TO BE NAGGED, especially BEFORE I’VE HAD MY COFFEE.

When 7:20 comes and they’re out the door, I’m typically warming up my partially-drunk, lukewarm cup and praying that I actually get an entire mug into my belly before Jonah wakes up. Because I’m trying to not psychologically damage him until he’s at least five years old. (One out three ain’t bad, right? Oh wait…)

My poor children. I’m all they’ve got. Aren’t you glad I’m not YOUR mom?

Are you Susie Sunshine in the morning (if so, I just hissed at you) or Moody Martha? I think I’m more of a Evil Emily.

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The Tiny Tyrant of 12:15

Look at this sweet little angel boy:

I think he is trying to kill me.

I don’t know why he would want to do such a thing, since clearly my continued presence on this earth is to his benefit, but the child will not sleep.  As a matter of fact, for the past couple of weeks, he’s been waking up so very so sad at about midnight or 12:15…and then again sometime on or before 2:30, and then usually about 5.

I suppose since he is so young, he probably isn’t clued into the fact that I am a terrible sleeper and that his nocturnal nursing parties are keeeeeling me.  But really.

I’mabboutadie.

Since he and Joshua share a room, we haven’t been able to Ferber him in awhile.   Joshua bunked with Sophie for several months last year while we were trying it out, and I fear we’re going to have to put him back in her room again soon.  But the Ferbering has never seemed to stick with Jonah.  Blargh.

Well, Sophie started sleeping really well when she was about 15 months old…and Jonah is 13 months…so hopefully I’ve got at least eight weeks of fight left in me!  Until then, there’s coffee and Mountain Dew, right?

And at least he’s a cute little killer!

But seriously I’M DYING HERE.

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