Be Glad I’m not Your Mom: early morning edition

coffee mug

I ripped this off from a friend’s FB page. A) I NEED IT and my birthday is in 13 days. MAKE IT SO. B) Don’t sue me. Because…something about blood from a stone. K?

I have decided to start a series called: Be Glad I’m Not Your Mom. I considered callng it “Be Glad I’m not You’re Mom” just to make Emily’s head explode, but the thought of someone thinking I don’t know the difference between your and you’re was too much to bear.

(Before I go on, I should note that this post is categorized under Being a Mom, I can’t sleep, and Jenny is a jerk. Wait, do I even need to WRITE the post now? Jonah is still asleep. I should just go back to bed. Ugghhh.)

I get up at 6:30 to help Bobby get the kids ready for school. Many of you get up much, much earlier than this. I could rephrase that to say, “I suck much more than most of you.” Truth be told, I am not that great at being a grown-up. I think I peaked at 18. Yes, the summer after graduation. I could sleep in, I was good at everything, my brain cells had not been plundered by childbirth, etc. etc. And even if I didn’t get the chance to sleep  in, I could still SLEEP.

Have I ever mentioned that I don’t sleep well? Oh, only 4,000 times in the last seven years? Just making sure.

I don’t sleep well. However, every morning at 6:30 I am having the best sleep of my life when it is time to wake up.

Which makes me the worst early-morning mom EVER. Because A) I don’t know how to program the coffee pot to make coffee the night before and I NEED COFFEE before anyone Hey Mom‘s me. And then there’s B) The kitchen is so small that if I get in Bobby’s way and try to make coffee while he’s getting the kids’ breakfast it causes severe marital problems so I wait for my coffee until he’s done and even then he makes it which is really nice and very good because I am also not real capable of operating the coffee maker until after I’ve had  my coffee. PROBLEMATIC.

But while I wait 15 minutes or so for coffee, Joshua and Sophie hey mom me about, hmm, well, I don’t know 700-900 times approximately (each) and I just want to scream STOPTALKINGSTOPTALKINGSTOPTALKING! Especially if what follows the hey mom includes anything about &#!@% POKEMON or TINKERBELL AND THE GREAT FAIRY RESCUE.

No Joshua, I don’t know where (insert unpronounceable Pokemon name here) is. No, I DON’T know why your Pokeball (SERIOUSLY? POKEBALL??!??!) is on Jonah’s table, but I think it MIGHT BE BECAUSE you have a TWO-YEAR-OLD BROTHER AND YOU LEAVE YOUR CRAP WHERE HE CAN GET IT.

Dear Sophie, I cannot listen to you recount the scene where Tink makes Lizzie fly (the one I’ve seen 683 times, BEE TEE DUBS) because you are supposed to be putting on your pants and when you TALK FOR 10 MINUTES while putting on your pants IT TAKES YOU 10 MINUTES TO PUT ON YOUR PANTS!!!!!!!!!! So shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

(Perhaps even worse than the talking is the pre-coffee hand-eye coordination required to do Sophie’s hair. No. Never mind. That’s actually not worse. The talking is worse.)

If I’m lucky I get a few sips of coffee in before I have to get all drill-sergeant on Sophie and regiment her every single step in order to get her out the door on time. Girl. Needs. Direction.

If Joshua is lucky, I get a few sips of coffee in before he gets his OCD on and asks me if I’ve signed his agenda which he brings home every night, which he watched me sign the day before. He still has to ask me every. single. morning. even though I breathe fire at him for nagging me and asking a question he already knows the answer to every. single. morning. Because, I LOVE TO BE NAGGED, especially BEFORE I’VE HAD MY COFFEE.

When 7:20 comes and they’re out the door, I’m typically warming up my partially-drunk, lukewarm cup and praying that I actually get an entire mug into my belly before Jonah wakes up. Because I’m trying to not psychologically damage him until he’s at least five years old. (One out three ain’t bad, right? Oh wait…)

My poor children. I’m all they’ve got. Aren’t you glad I’m not YOUR mom?

Are you Susie Sunshine in the morning (if so, I just hissed at you) or Moody Martha? I think I’m more of a Evil Emily.

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  1. Much like you, I can’t function without coffee but I can’t handle having my morning addiction with kids around. I’ve trained myself to get them ready and myself to work before making my splendid pot of wonderful and enjoying a cup by myself. It must be some sort of zombie mode I switch too.

    And, love that mug!

  2. You would HATE me. I am all sing-songy rays of sunshine in the morning. God’s honest truth. At this juncture, my children are charmed by me. They will be singing an entirely different tune come their teenage years… 😉

  3. LOL, it’s from Etsy…. in case you’re wondering!

  4. I leave for work before I have to deal with the kiddos in the morning. Problem solved!

  5. Deanna Fultz says:

    This cracks me up!!!! I’m horrible in the morning! I don’t anyone to speak to me for about a half an hr to an hr!!! If Zion can’t make a quick breakfast choice I’m ripping his head off! I feel bad for Zion because he gets the brunt of my anti-morning mood. My husband is always gone by then and if its the weekend he knows better than to ask me anything unless it’s an emergency. So poor Zion this is what he gets! A mom who yells a lot in the morning. At least I’m better by lunch!

  6. This is why I’ve been reading your blog for years….you’re honest and hilarious! I feel like I could have written this. Thanks for the laugh this morning!!!

  7. I am so glad I’m not the only mommy like this in the morning. Only, I don’t have the excuse of needing coffee. The other morning, my 6 yo daughter called me, Mrs. Hannigan (the lady who ran the orphange on Annie).

    • Terri! My son Joshua told me a few weeks ago “When you said that you sounded like Mrs. Hannigan.” I can’t remember what I said. But of course it must’ve been SO MEAN. You and I are clearly two peas in a pod!

  8. I love it. I am the same, only I don’t drink coffee. So poor Avonlea is going to be stuck with mama bear mom mode. Poor girl.

    By the way…you can make that mug. White mug from dollar store, black sharpie, bake. There are tutorials on Pinterest.

  9. Oh…and remember how I suggested giving your kid cough syrup when he wasn’t sick? That might give you some indication about what kind of mom I will be. 🙂

  10. You know what’s really on my nerves these days? All these people who have decided THE ONLY WAY to be successful is to get up at 5-freaking-o’clock. What the what? So not only am I lame because I hate mornings but now I’m also doomed to a life without success?


    Not a Morning Person Polly

    • Those people need a muzzle. Including a finger-muzzle that prevents them from typing, tweeting, blogging, FBing, IGing ANY OF THAT 5 am “success” crap!
      {Grouchy fist bump}

    • Kelly @ Kansas City Mamas says:

      Mary – I saw someone instagram their clock and it said 3:30 am. The time they were getting up. Because they wanted to. Not because some baby was waking them or they had a plane to catch. Or they were getting back from a RAVE. No, they wanted to. I wanted to punch them in the face….there are so many times I’ve looked at that same time and thought (please, I just want to go to sleep)

  11. The your/you’re thing would have fun. I’m glad you’re not my mom ’cause I really like my mom. I wake UP every day talking, drives TLW cray cray er. I also go walk three miles six days a week before dealing with humans. It helps a lot (two words according to Emily!)

    I’m a morning person; don’t hate!


  12. I am ok in the morning, but when I get home from work in the afternoon and everyone immediately grabs on to me and doesn’t let go until bedtime, I sometimes snap. I feel your pain lady, and I definitely don’t judge!

  13. I am definitely not a morning person and can relate to this post for sure! I was so happy when my kids (now 17 & 20) became self-sufficient and I no longer had to supervise their morning activities… it’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise ?

  14. Sounds like the best solution would be to learn how to program that coffeemaker.

  15. So needed this after the first week of school. Love my kiddos, but my 5year old son thinks he never has to sleep. EVER. So I finally get him down, then the dog needs out, then the baby’s up. Rinse and repeat. Not only do I DESPISE mornings, I’m starting to abhor nights as well!

  16. I am exactly the same! Ashlyn said today, “I wouldn’t want to see a house where mom doesn’t get her coffee.”

  17. Kudos to you, Jenny, for your honesty. Motherhood is the toughest job ever! Still glad I’m a mom, though, because it’s given me the courage to be my best self even when I don’t want to. Definitely doesn’t mean I always succeed at that. I have a 19-year-old daughter that can attest to that fact. But it means I actually want to try and that’s something.

    We’ve now graduated from the chatterer in the early morning stage to loving to chat with me after midnight when I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. And it’s often about really important life lessons, so that’s my challenge. To be present when it matters most.

    The good news is that Jae is no longer a morning person so I get from 8 am to noon to myself everyday with two good cups of coffee in my system & 4 hours of quiet before she wakes up. Progress. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Hang in there. Motherhood is the toughest road ever, but you’ll make it through. One cup of coffee at a time. 😉

    Fellow mom rooting for you,

  18. Lord no I’m no Susie Sunshine. The reason I named my daughter Sunshine is in the hopes by saying her name I’m reminded to be nicer in the morning! 😉 Also…I want that cup too. It’s awesome. There should be a clear side so the kids can see without asking or getting too close the level drank so as to keep their eyebrows.

    ~Honey of Mondorfment

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