Are preschoolers a tough crowd these days? Do they actually pay attention to what the other kids are wearing? And worse, do they comment about it?
I find it hard to believe, but either that is the case or my daughter is losing her mind.
Kate’s now in her last semester of preschool (do preschools have semesters? Probably not. In any case, she’ll be done in the spring), and she is so worried about what she wears and what the other kids will think. When I stop to ponder it, it really kind of freaks me out. But in the morning when we’re trying to get out the door, it just annoys the crap out of me.
She is convinced that the other kids are going to make fun of her or laugh at her if she wears this shirt and not that shirt, this color instead of that color, these shoes and not those shoes. Truly, I don’t know how much stock to put in this worry. Is this her almost-five-year-old self-centeredness shining through? (Surely there’s a term to describe whatever stage of development she’s in, but it escapes me). If that’s the case, if the threat of being made fun of is something she worries about but isn’t actually going to happen, it almost seems easier to deal with. But even if that is the case, is it real to her? I guess that would still call for some compassion. (And I wasn’t feeling a whole lot of compassion for the girl who fuh-reaked out this morning because she wanted to wear and orange shirt – and not a red shirt – to her Valentine’s Day party today).
Or is it real? Like really real?
Please tell me it doesn’t start this early. Please, please tell me that she’s not getting made fun of. About her clothes, for the love of God. And please tell me she’s not making fun of anyone else.
I have a four year old in her last half of preschool, too…. and I hear “everyone will LOVE how I look” when she is getting ready for school. It seems like the same basic deal… too concerned about what the other kids will think, although she doesn’t have the concept of being made fun of yet, I don’t think. I try to tell her it only matters if SHE likes her outfit, but I don’t get through to her. I hate that it starts this early, too, but you are not alone!
And I think the word you were looking for is “egocentricism.”
Coming from the school end, my students have NEVER seemed to care much, or pay attention to what the others are wearing. They do tend to wear their favorite outfits OVER & OVER & OVER (you can always tell when it was laundry night). I think, and hope that no one is making fun of her about her clothes. Afterall, they’re more worried about what they are wearing that day!
(PS I’m thankful today that I have only boys š
Oh I hope it doesn’t start ever for my little man. But hope for you it doesn’t start for a long time for your little princess.
It has started here with my 4 year old. She is very particular about what she wears when…way different than her older sister who could have cared less…I have learned to only buy clothes in her favorite colors because she throws a fit when I give her something to wear that is say – BLUE – not pink or purple.
I hate to say it, but I think kids these days are horrible at picking on each other. My daughter Katie is 7, (and reading your post about Kate really brought back memories of her at that age) and she will not let me do ANYTHING to her hair besides brush it or she says the other kids will make fun of her. I love to fix her hair in little pigtails and things like that, but on the rare occasion she lets me, she comes home with it all undone because somebody made a remark about it.
I do have to say that she is pretty sensitive about what others say, but it just breaks my heart that a beautiful, smart 7 year old little girl has these concerns! It should be the last thing on her mind!
I’m the guilty one when it comes to what my child looks like going out of the house. I’m not into the brand – I buy all of her clothes second hand. But I like her hair combed and in place (which doesn’t last long on a 3yo) and I like cute clothing that matches or coordinates. I haven’t heard anything from her or her playmates about other people’s clothes. She is very sweet and tell her friends and me that we are cute or gorgeous. I have yet to hear a negative thing about looks, but I’m sure that day will come soon enough.
It sounds like someone probably said something to her about her clothes. It may have been just one time, and the child who said it has probably long since forgotten. I would ask her if that’s the case. If so, I would tell her to stick up for herself and say something like, “You don’t have to like my shirt, but I do”…or something like that. Kids can be mean without even realizing it!
My daughter is the same age as Kate and also in preschool. I never hear anything from her about what the other kids will think of what she wears, except, “Everyone will think I’m beautiful!” She’s never worried about being fun of. I’d talk to the preschool teacher. Maybe someone said something once? A helper, perhaps?
I got nothing and now I’m freaked out cause I thought this was teen stuff, far down the road when they had better drugs for the Mommy-stresses. With P being 2, I was hoping to enjoy another decade before style became an issue. Oy – good luck!
Oh I hope not! I always hear the same as the others “They will love my outfit!” but nothing negative!
Em, some of the “girl” stuff does start earlier. Hate to tell you that, but I’ve seen it (and you know how sheltered mykids are!).
Sometimes, it’s just one little girl who sets the tone for this kind of behavior and the other little girls follow her lead without really understanding what they’re following.
Keep driving home the strong girl positive self-image and try to ask her in a roundabout way why she’s worried about her appearance. It will probably take about 20 tangential questions to get the info you’re looking for but you might be enlightened.
Luck, friend.
Oh gosh, I hope not. I think some girls are more aware of that stuff than others, but I certainly hope she’s not being teased.
Luckily my almost 5yo lives in her own little world and doesn’t care if she matches half the time! BUT, she LOVES to wear make-up…eye-shadow and lip stick. Lots. Of. It. And I colored her bangs Magenta. She thinks she’s adorable…at least that’s what she tells me!
I homeschool my 4yo, and she learns all of this at church! So, I’m feelin’ ya… not looking forward to when 2yo and 5mo get older. Yikes! 3 of ’em. But, ya gotta love those little girls (even if they are drama queens).
I’m thankful that public schools here all have uniforms. I’m just starting preschool with my oldest next year, and it’s scary to think that it starts that early. I also hope your little girl isn’t being picked on, that would be dreadful.
My grandbaby is in preschool and when she comes over she tells me how this little girl in her class tells her that she thinks her (my grandbaby) clothes are ugly. That breaks my heart. She wears really nice clothes but for the peer-pressure to begin in preschool is ridiculous and to think that it has only just begun.
I’m so sorry your DD was exposed to hurtful comments. Unfortunately, yes, peer pressure and “I have better than you” mentality can start at so young an age. There will always be those who feel bigger and better by making others feel small. Fortunately, the ones I’ve encountered have been few and far between.
Sometimes, though, especially at this age, it is simply a lack of social skills. And, since a four year old has neither the verbal prowess to say something along the lines of, “I like light up shoes with the lights in the flowers rather than a blinking light in the heel,” nor the tact to keep a personal opinion to him/herself, what comes forth is, “Your shoes are ugly.”
What has worked for us has been to help dry the tears and reinforce (over and over, again) a comeback, of sorts. “Okay, so you think they are ugly. I like them. It’s okay for us to like different things,” then either walk away or invite the person to play. PLAY?! Yep, chances are the person who made the comment is the child’s best friend. Around this age that is who s/he is around the most to (physically or verbally) fight with during the day.
My daughter is 6 now, but when she was 4 and in Pre-K, I rememember another Mom telling me that one day, when she went to watch the kids at the playground, there was a little girl that was telling the other girls not to play with this one girl because they only play with the pretty girls and that girl was not pretty.
I was shocked and filled with horror. I couldn’t believe that at 4 years old, these girls had a definition of “pretty”. They are all beautiful. It is sad to see how one rotten apple can spoil the bunch, but then I wonder who taught the first child what was “pretty”.
We just all have to bring our daughters up knowing how wonderful they are and that they should always look at eachother and themselves through God’s eyes. My daughter liked the Gigi, God’s Little Princess stories at that age.
To answer your questions: Yes, and Yes. I work in a Pre-K classroom, and the discussions that I hear the gaggles of girls talking about is usually about clothes, Bratz, Hannah Montana, and who is the prettiest that day, in that order. At least once a day a student will come to me and say “Mrs. Teacher, so-and-so said I was ugly.” Breaks my heart each and every time.
Obviously, we try to remind students to be nice to each other, apologize and that we all are friends. However, the cruxt of this behavior is because preschool is such a social setting, and older siblings in many cases help set the tone with what they say not only to their younger siblings’ but what those younger siblings overhear the older ones say to friends, parents, etc. Television shows also play a part in shaping children’s understanding of social interactions. Everyone, even the youngest child, just wants to fit in.
Remind your daughter that she is beautiful in whatever she wears and/or looks like whether clean or messy. Sometimes the most beautiful face I see on a child is a messy one with a happy smile. Teachers also try to remind children that it isn’t nice to be mean and that everyone is beautiful. I usually follow it up with an “Name one thing you like about the person you just made feel bad and then tell them you are sorry.” More often they tend to say the thing they like most is the thing they just said they “hated”. Ironic, no?
Hang in there. She (and you) will be fine. I promise.
When Tosh was in pre-school, she refused to wear jeans. I just didn’t get it, but it really bothered her. Whatever it was, I know it was real to her. Several years later I asked her if she was ready to wear jeans and again she told me “NO, way!” “Why?” I asked. She said, “Mommy, when I wear jeans and sit down, it looks like I have a penis.” I almost died laughing…on the inside…she was for real. She did not want to look like a boy. She didn’t wear them until third or fourth grade. I was glad I didn’t make her wear them. It was real to her weather I “got” it or could explain it away.
Oh yes there is a shock of how much these young kids are putting peer pressure on each other over clothes hair ect.. I saw this firsthand at my sons kindergarden class as they form cliques and exclude others to be with the in crowd. Its very sad that they are pushed into being accepted for how they look instead of their character. I would talk to the preschool about this. Hopefully they will require uniforms at your school.