I Think it’s Time to Hang Up the Ol’ Strapless Bra

This weekend, I had the privilege of servings as a bridesmaid in my friend Megan’s wedding. It was beautiful, and I was very honored to stand up there with her, and touched that she asked me to do so.

But, I kind of hope it’s the last time I have to do that. You see, I’m thirty years old, and I have been a bridesmaid ten times. TEN times!! So, I think it’s ok to want to retire my colorful shoes and strapless bra. I’ve had a long and illustrious career as a bridesmaid and it’s time to let someone else have a turn.

However, I thought it’d be fun to try and remember some details from all the many weddings I’ve been in. I wish I had pics but sadly, since I am ancient, many of these were BEFORE the digital age. But since my mind is like a steel trap, I can remember the dress colors I wore, in chronological order: royal blue, navy blue, teal, lavender, baby blue, hunter green, sage green, sage green (again), red, and red (again).

The first few weddings I was in were family weddings, starting when I was 15. Summer ’93, my cousin Amy, royal blue dress, scary groomsman I wouldn’t dance with at the reception (only marriage no longer intact). Summer ’94, my brother Charles’ wedding – beautiful, I cried buckets. Summer ’95, my brother Andy’s wedding, also beautiful, also cried buckets! I really love my sisters-in-law but I was sad to let go of my big brothers (even though they are nerdy and annoying.)

I had a little bridesmaid break until summer ’98 when my friend Sarah from high school got married. Her wedding was unique – it was the only morning wedding I have ever been in and the only wedding I’ve ever worn gloves in as a bridesmaid. Also, another bridesmaid and I sang a duet. In French. And I had to do my own hair because the wedding was at 10:30 and seriously who can get a hair appointment when you have to BE at the church at 9?? The results were marginal at best. Good thing no one was looking at me, but at the beautiful, beautiful bride! She was breathtaking.

The next summer, two of my best childhood friends got married within a month of each other. By this time I was engaged myself and really excited about all things wedding. So I had a lot of fun being maid of honor in my friend Erin’s wedding, and then bridesmaid a month later at my friend Lori’s wedding (the same Lori I went CVSing with a few weeks ago!) I have known these ladies since I was three years old so it was really special to be in their weddings and I am so glad we are still friends!

In 2000, I got married, and the only wedding I was in was my own! Then in ’01, I was in Emily’s wedding!! Hers was the first of the sage green dresses. My favorite memory of Em’s wedding was before we went into the reception hall, I could see she was a bit disturbed, and I was like, “Are you ok?” and she took a deep breath and said, “I just want everything to be organized.” She swears she has no memory of this. But for some reason it made me giggle. I also have fond memories of shoving her feet into her shoes for her, since she already had her dress on and couldn’t really do it herself. That’s a good bridesmaid for ya! A few weeks later, I donned another sage green dress (first and only two-piece – very enjoyable!) for my friend Kelly’s wedding. Kelly was my college roommate so it was very special to be in her wedding as well. I enjoyed teasing her mercilessly when she first got together with her husband when we were seniors in college. (Sorry, KP, but you made it so EASY!) Now they are getting ready to have their second baby!

I then had another long break from bridesmaid’s duties, until 2005, when I donned a red dress and crazy hairdo for my cousin Anna’s (Emily’s sister’s) wedding. The hairdo was crazy because my hair is very hard to put up, but I wanted to have it up, because the reception was outside and it was supposed to be (and was) 95 degrees. I thought my hair looked way too young, but I didn’t care because I didn’t want it to be dripping with sweat. And again, who cares what I look like when there is a beautiful bride heading down the aisle!?? Anna’s wedding was by far the most exciting wedding I have ever been in, as Melissa, another bridesmaid, passed out HARD right near the end of the wedding and smashed her face up and 911 had to be called. It was ka-razy! Then, at the reception, a guest went into diabetic shock and turned purple and 911 had to be called AGAIN. But since Emily & Anna live in a small town, the squad was still tied up with the bridesmaid, so the squad from a neighboring town had to be called. Thankfully, all turned out okay. But it was, uh, a little more exciting than Anna wanted it to be!

After Anna’s wedding, I thought I was done bridesmaiding. But then, after being out of touch with Megan for a few years, we were reunited two years ago. And then, she fell in love with her old friend Andy, and they got engaged. So, another red dress for me, and another beautiful wedding I was proud to be part of.

But seriously, dudettes. I am out. I’m not getting younger, prettier, or thinner, and I think in the next wedding I’ll be a bridesmaid past my prime. And really, who wants to see that? So let me retire the strapless bra while I’m still nursing and have some boobs to fill it out.

But ladies, thanks for the honors. I totally would’ve been pissed if you hadn’t asked me!