Yesterday I had a bad day.
Here is what happened:
About 35 minutes into his hour-long therapy session at PACE (the free program through the county), Jonah got mad about having to be all done with a fun activity and having to move on to the next activity, and he threw a giant fit, rendering the next 25 minutes of the session completely useless.
Day ruined.
Jonah’s therapy sessions (he just started last week with Sophie’s former speech language pathologist, the Amazing Miss Kristen!!! so now he goes twice a week) are the most important part of my week. This is because, like I was when Sophie was delayed, I am super, super, super, super, super, SUPER-FOCUSED on Jonah getting past his speech delay. I think about it all the time. I plan times for us to work together at home. In every little thing we do together, I try to figure out how I can apply it to teaching him speech.
But 90 minutes a week, when he is at therapy, I can relax a little bit. Just a little, because obviously I am watching him like a hawk during that time and tucking away notes about how I can apply this or that at home. But for those 90 minutes it’s not my job to teach him. Pressure’s off a little. And usually, he does well and has fun and is adorable and I leave feeling encouraged.
But when he doesn’t, I just cannot recover. I lost something more than 25 minutes yesterday. I lost my ability to function for the next 12 hours. I didn’t get my encouragement, my high, my feeling of progress. I didn’t get any relief, just pressure and doubt heaped on more heavily.
I wish I could shake it off, but I can’t. The rest of my day was a wash. I feel nothing but despair. I hate to be dramatic, but that’s how it is. It’s how it was with Sophie too, but she was so much older when we started therapy that her days of non-cooperation were extremely rare and her progress was always evident.
We’ve only been at this a few months and I’m already tired of it. I would give anything to have Jonah wake up tomorrow and be caught up; to feel like conversing with me instead of only communicating his basic needs and wants. Other people’s kids seem to learn this stuff with no problems; why can’t mine?
I know he’s only two. But I’m 35, and I feel much, much older. And I’m tired of having to be all the things I’m supposed to be instead of just…being.
Sorry, Baby.
Oy, friend.
Some friendly advice from a mama four years in the trenches of therapy and only bitty progress?
Relax. It’s not your fault. And it’s not in your control. Yes, therapy is important. Studies prove it. Yes, helping him at home is important. Studies prove it. But, at some point, he will learn at his rate and on his timing. Spending every waking minute thinking about how to help him won’t actually help him. His brain synapsis will do their thing when they are ready. If they are ready. You can encourage it, but you can’t force it. I know you know this intellectually, but my point is that you MUST take a breath and let some of it go. He will be who God designed him to be. On the timeline designed for him. Not the ones printed in all of the glossy baby books. Milestones be damned.
Just focus on being his mama. Who casually works on his speech in the produce section at the grocery store. In fact, you might even be burning him out if you’re too structured about it at home and then expecting him to work hard at therapy too?
Love you friend. Being a mom is hard.
Beautifully put! (((Jenny)))
This is wonderful advice.
So sorry, friend. I know the days of 25 minutes of HE!! ruining the remaining 12 hours of the day. Hang in there – you do an AMAZING job with your kids, and Jonah will get caught up and will be talking your ear off before you know it. (But i’ll never say “hey, remember when you were frustrated by his NOT talking?”)
deep breath – you can do this.
Girl, you’re an amazing mom, teach, and therapist. I know it’s probably easy to get down in the dumps, but just know that you have a lot of people pulling for you, many of whom you don’t even know. I have a suspicion that one of my 2-year-old twins is speech delayed, but from reading your journey with Sophie and now Jonah, I’m not sweating it because I know that it’s something that can be overcome. You’re a real inspiration.
So much love to you! I’m not sure I can say anything these ladies haven’t. How lucky your kids are to have a mommy who cares so much!
I follow your blog but rarely (if ever) comment. My son is a week older than Jonah. And he is severely speech delayed He gets therapy every day – some speech but also direct intervention. It is grueling. And every now and then, he has a bad day. Heck, I’m in my thirties and I have bad days, too! Sometimes, he just does not want to do what the therapist wants him to do. Happened this morning. I had to get over it. Also like you, I have two older kids and a husband and a house and other things going on in my life. My son’s development is the most important thing going on in my life right now but I can’t obsess over it. You are doing WAY more for Jonah than many other parents. Do you know how many times I hear “he’s fine, he’ll talk when he’s ready” or “he’s a boy, they’re different”. Early intervention therapy is PROVEN to help – you are doing an excellent job with him just by getting him help NOW. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t let it ruin your day. And be patient with the little guy – his world is being turned upside down! I hope things get better for you.
I love you, and I’m praying for you! *hugs*
I think you are so close to the situation that you do not see all the progress as I do. He is much advanced from where he was when we went to Va in April. Many more words and expressions…I heard him say “you are welcome” yesterday and was shocked. It came after someone “thank you.” Remember that we are all “Fearfully and Wonderfully made.” It is often too easy to focus on the ‘ fearfully’ instead of the ‘wonderfully’ part. Love you and am amazed by all you and Bobby do.
I could have written this blog post. I understand and empathize. Sometimes it feels like joe will never be caught up and for us discerning between sensory processing and him be belligerent is not always easy. Hang in there sis…. You are a great mom.