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Again with the Hormones

So I hope you are not tired of hearing about my hormones yet. I mean, I’ve given you all a good break since this post so you should be rested and refreshed and ready to ride another roller coaster with me, right???

RIGHT??

Ok then! So, I have an appointment with my OB-GYN on Thursday and I have never been so excited to go see her in my life because I am not feeling really swell these days. For funzies, I decided to take an online test and see if I might have a hormone imbalance. Let’s just say I score pretty HIGH. In each category if you checked 2 or more symptoms, you might have that disorder. In one of the categories I checked SEVEN boxes and in another I checked FOUR. A third type of disorder was listed as “a combination” of the two I had checked so many boxes in.

I accidentally tweeted my list of symptoms last night (oopsie!) when I was working on this, hey sometimes things get copied & pasted into the wrong box. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE! Who is writing a post at 11:00 PM! GEEZ! So, anyways, I might as well share them with you, my loyal and caring readers, since I already shared them with the entire twitterverse.

PMS!
Insomnia!
Anxiety!
Memory problems! (my brain is swiss cheese)
Cyclical Headaches! (now with staying power!)
Mood Swings!
Anxious Depression!
Weepiness!
Foggy thinking! (love an excuse for this)
Migraines!
And just so I have some ugly to go with the crazy…
Acne!

So basically I think I am really screwed up. Hence the doc appointment on Thursday. Where I am fairly certain, there is going to have to be about 1,000 different kinds of things prescribed to me to make me feel better, but I don’t care, because I JUST. WANT. TO. FEEL. BETTER.

Buckle your seat belts and stay tuned, because I am sure I will not be able to stop myself from giving you every cringe-worthy detail. I hope this hormonecoaster ride is almost over, and I hope you’ll hang with me as I see it through.

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Wicked Afternoon

The battle against my hormones, or the ones I’ve been putting in my body anyway, is raging on. It’s the last week of my cycle, (you know what THAT means) so I’m not taking them anymore. And based on the past couple of horrible days I’ve had, and your kind comments on my earlier post, I’m not going to take them anymore.

Because the afternoons, oh, the afternoons are killing me.

I’ll start out a day okay, make it through lunch, and then after I put Sophie down for her nap around 2:00, when I should be so relieved to have a small break, it starts.

Anxiety. Insecurity. Negativity.

By about 4:30 or 5:00 I’m totally buried beneath its weight. The thought of cooking dinner seizes me with fear. It seems too overwhelming, and even contemplating it makes me feel…I can’t describe it. Doomed, almost. Which seems crazy. And is.

Everything the kids need me to do for them is almost physically painful. Turning on a tv show, filling a sippy cup, wiping a snotty nose. It feels almost as if they are trying to hurt me by making me do things for them.

Joshua wants to know what’s wrong with me. I just tell him I don’t feel good, because I don’t know the answer. But it’s something…something I hope will pass out of my system very quickly.

When my husband gets home I retreat again to the bedroom. Where no one needs me, I can start to calm down. Here, little eyes won’t tear up if I start to sob over not being able to find the remote control. As wicked afternoon turns to wicked evening, here I can try to pull it together, and hope.

Hope that tomorrow afternoon will be kinder.

In the middle of writing this, I read my friend Elizabeth’s blog, and was reminded, thankfully, that my bedroom is not the only place I can run when I am feeling this way. I may not understand what I am going through, but God does. And He can see the end of it. Hallelujah.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and LEARN FROM ME, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28, 29

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Crying Over Spilt Milk. And Lots of Other Things.

A few months ago, I posted this ultra-classy post about how my hormones were killing me. Headaches, huge zits, etc. – I was dying to wean Sophie so I could start taking the birth control pill to even things out.

Well.

Talk about your all-time backfires.

I started taking it (a kind I’d never taken before) for the first time in five years, almost four weeks ago. Within just a couple of days I started feeling…bad. Nausea, headaches, the occasional puking. It felt kinda like I was pregnant. (When I told Emily about my symptoms, she said, “Congratulations! When are you due?” I would have smacked her, but we were on IM. Let me assure you I am definitely not pregnant.)

I kept taking it, perservering, promising I would get through a whole cycle before I gave up on it. This is the last week of that cycle, and I’m anxious to see if this little pill will make my period any less torturous. It better, because the rest of this month has been AWFUL. Even worse than the physical symptoms have been the emotional ones. I have felt, on and off this month, like I need a stay at the funny farm. I’ve felt depressed, anxious, scared, and just plain irrational. All of it combined is making me feel absolutely CRAZY. Which is not fun.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had this month. I had a terrible headache all day, and then around 4 pm or so it started to get better…but I started to get really emotional. I tried to turn on PBSKids.org for Sophie, and the volume on the computer wouldn’t work. Sophie freaked out, and I sobbed. (Which did not help Sophie feel better in any way.) I was getting dinner ready and found Sophie had climbed on a chair in the dining room and spilled Joshua’s milk all over the table. I wept as I cleaned it up. A few minutes later I boo-hooed over not being able to get the jar of spaghetti sauce open.

Seriously.

After Bobby came home from work, I pretty much just went to bed. I watched “Tommy Boy” and played Yahtzee on my computer (nerd alert!). I just needed to be…away.

So, we’ll see how this week goes, but I gotta say, at this moment, I don’t think I have the nerve to start next month’s pack of pills. I hate to try another kind and have it not work out either, but…I’m not sure what else to do. I’d rather go back to my pre-pill version of normal crazy than this hopped-up-on-hormones crazy. Coo-Coo-ville, Population Me, is not a fun place to reside.

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