The battle against my hormones, or the ones I’ve been putting in my body anyway, is raging on. It’s the last week of my cycle, (you know what THAT means) so I’m not taking them anymore. And based on the past couple of horrible days I’ve had, and your kind comments on my earlier post, I’m not going to take them anymore.
Because the afternoons, oh, the afternoons are killing me.
I’ll start out a day okay, make it through lunch, and then after I put Sophie down for her nap around 2:00, when I should be so relieved to have a small break, it starts.
Anxiety. Insecurity. Negativity.
By about 4:30 or 5:00 I’m totally buried beneath its weight. The thought of cooking dinner seizes me with fear. It seems too overwhelming, and even contemplating it makes me feel…I can’t describe it. Doomed, almost. Which seems crazy. And is.
Everything the kids need me to do for them is almost physically painful. Turning on a tv show, filling a sippy cup, wiping a snotty nose. It feels almost as if they are trying to hurt me by making me do things for them.
Joshua wants to know what’s wrong with me. I just tell him I don’t feel good, because I don’t know the answer. But it’s something…something I hope will pass out of my system very quickly.
When my husband gets home I retreat again to the bedroom. Where no one needs me, I can start to calm down. Here, little eyes won’t tear up if I start to sob over not being able to find the remote control. As wicked afternoon turns to wicked evening, here I can try to pull it together, and hope.
Hope that tomorrow afternoon will be kinder.
In the middle of writing this, I read my friend Elizabeth’s blog, and was reminded, thankfully, that my bedroom is not the only place I can run when I am feeling this way. I may not understand what I am going through, but God does. And He can see the end of it. Hallelujah.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and LEARN FROM ME, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28, 29
