To Bill, With Love. And a Smidge of Anger.

The following is a guest post from the third SuperCousin, Anna. Also known as Emily’s sister. Because, when someone emails you a rant THIS GOOD, you have to publish it! Enjoy!

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Dear Microsoft,

Once upon a time, I was a young, recent college graduate, working at her first full time job. And as it happened, I didn’t have enough to do to keep busy. Ok, that’s an over- statement, I was mind numbingly bored and blogs and Pinterest didn’t exist yet (most unfortunately, because I was also planning a wedding!) and one can really only play so much solitaire. So I decided to learn Microsoft Office programs. And you captured my heart. The words “mail merge” are dreamy to me. And Access, O Access, how I heart thee, let me use an Excel spreadsheet to count the ways.

That’s why I hate to tell you this, but I think we might have to break up. And there is one thing to blame: Windows 8.

Because, Here’s the thing, you’re not cool. You’re just not. You’re not creative. You’re not something hipsters and art students are going to be excited about using. But what you are (or were!) is familiar. You’re what 95 percent of people know how to use. I never wanted to use Apple because I knew how to use you so well. It was your one strength, the thing that made me loyal to you.

And with Windows 8, you’ve pretty much blown all that to crap. There isn’t even a start button, for goodness sake. The first time I turned on our new computer, I couldn’t figure out how to play my daughter’s music cd. Do you hear me? I couldn’t even play a CD. I couldn’t find “my computer.” I couldn’t figure out how to shut the damn thing down.

For the love of Bob, why would you think that it was a good idea to take something that 98% of everyone knew how to use? Because not needing to learn something new is what you had going for you. iPads? Oh wait that’s not you guys. iPhones? Nope, not you either. iTunes? uh uh. But you had this one thing: I knew how to use you. But now, I might just make the jump. Because I don’t know that I want to invest in a relationship with a bunch of nincompoops.

From Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” video to CTL+ALT+DEL, you won my heart at spell check. I’d like to say “it’s not you, it’s me”, but it’s you. Bring back the start button and maybe we can talk again. I’d even take being able to upload the pictures on my camera. Until then, I will remain formerly loyal user.

Love,

Anna

P.S. You suck.