An Open Letter

To the Guy at the Gas Station Pump Next to the one I was Using

Dear Jerkwad:

It was so nice to see you at the gas station the other day. There’s nothing I like more than pumping gas on a chilly fall day with my two kids in the car, and when the people at the pump next to me are as pleasant as you are, it’s just the icing on the cake.

You know what was really nice? That you were letting your wife/girlfriend/hoochie pump the gas for you. It takes a real man to let his lady pump the gas. But that’s not even what I liked best about you. When you walked out of the convenience store out to the pump and pulled that tiny cigar and shiny silver lighter out of your pocket and lit yourself a smokey treat right there next to a few tons of highly flammable liquid, I thought, Wow, now there’s a man with balls! It’s a real shame Ohio has a smoking ban and you can’t light up wherever you want to – I feel for ya. But the fact that you are brave enough to not only act in civil disobedience but also endanger your life and the lives of others while doing so is just inspiring! I’m so sorry I couldn’t stick around to see the rest of your “demonstration”. I mean it really breaks my heart, but as cool as it would’ve been, I just had too many commitments that day to get blown to smithereens. And my kids, well, they are such a drag, but being part of a huge gasoline fireball wasn’t on their agenda either.

So, I’m sorry that when I saw you light up that cigar, I yanked the dispenser out of my gas tank, slapped the gas cap back on, hopped in my car, and peeled out of there as fast as humanly possible. I hope you didn’t take it personally, though I somehow doubt you would’ve cared. Believe me, I would’ve loved to have shared some precious parting words with you, but the thought of smelling like burnt flesh all day just got the best of me. I guess that’s why I’m writing you this letter. After all, if you continue to make your admirable protests about your right to smoke wherever the hell you want, I may not have the chance to tell you just how much I enjoyed our run-in the other day, and that would truly be a shame.

Hugs and Kisses,

Jenny