Things You Should and Should Not Do During Pregnancy

I happened to run across this list of pregnancy do’s and dont’s and I thought I’d pass them along. I hope you find them as enlightening as I did…and I hope you don’t mind that I added a little commentary of my own.

Things You SHOULD Do

You Should Get Regular Medical Exams
Not a bad idea.

You Should Check Your Immunity to German Measles
Yikes. What exactly does that involve?

You Should Take Prenatal Vitamins
…even though they are roughly the size of a football and won’t do any good because you’ll throw up the minute you try to swallow them.

You Should Eat Well and Get Plenty of Exercise.
And by “eat well” I’m assuming they mean “anything that won’t make you puke, even if that consists of Blizzards and saltines.” “Plenty of exercise” – that should be easy, given the fact that you’ll break a sweat by doing things like brushing your teeth.

You Should Be Sure to Get Enough Fat in Your Diet
Well, ok. If you insist.

You Should Do Kegel Exercises
Do I need a yoga mat for that?

You Should Use House Plants
Is that some kind of code for “smoke a lot of dope”?

You Should Talk to Your Doctor about Existing Conditions and Your Family History
You mean like the fact that the family tree Jenny and I share (how do I put this delicately?) doesn’t have as many branches on it as it should? Hey, they couldn’t help it, there just weren’t that many choices for spouses in the Holler.

Things You Should NOT Do During Pregnancy

You Should Not Smoke or be Around People Who Do
Really? I hadn’t heard.

You Should Not Drink Alcohol
Uh oh.

You Should Not Take Illegal Drugs
Ok fine, you hater-of-fun.

You Should Avoid Hot Dogs
Now that’s something I could get behind.

You Should Avoid Caffeine
Ugh. We’re back to buzz-killing. Here’s the problem…I need Diet Coke to survive. For real.

You Should Avoid Contact with Reptiles
That should be easy enough.

You Should Avoid Tick Bites
Really, this list is starting to look less like “Pregnancy Do’s and Don’ts” and more like “Basic Life Principles.”

You Should Not Eat Junk Food
Hahahahahahaha…sorry, I’ll come back to this when I’ve stopped laughing. I wish it were as simple as that.

You Should Avoid VDTs
I don’t know what that means, but I’ll make sure to avoid them.

You Should Avoid Microwaves
Now this does present a problem. Do you want me to STARVE?

You Should Not Use a Water Bed
Dear Lord I could hardly get out of a REGULAR bed when I was pregnant. A water bed would be cruel and unusual punishment. Not to mention that it would burst on impact!

You Should Avoid Stress
No problem. I mean, really, what’s to stress about? You’re only having a KID, something that’s going to seriously impact your lifestyle, career and finances…not to mention your figure…for, well, ever.

You Should Not Expose Yourself to Pesticides
Back to those general life principles…

You Should Avoid Fumes from Paint, Paint Thinner, Household Cleaning Products and so on
Cleaning products! You heard it here first, folks. If that’s not a good reason for popping out #2 I don’t know what is.

You Should Avoid Raising Your Body Temperature
I don’t know about the rest of you, but my body temperature was raised for about 38 weeks of my pregnancy. I was wearing tank tops at Christmas.

You Should Not Use a Sauna, Hot Tub or Take Long Hot Baths
They failed to tell you why, though. It’s not that doing any of these things would hurt your poor little fetus, it’s just that you’re never going to be able to do any of these things again so you might as well get used to it now.

You Should Avoid Cleaning Cat Litter Boxes. You Should Avoid Uncooked Meat.
Does anyone but me find it disturbing that these things were put in the same bullet point?

You Should Avoid Herpes.
Wow.