Wayyyy back in the day when Jenny and Bobby got married, I gave them a card that said something along the lines of “Congratulations! You’re never going to have to hear ‘When are you going to get married?’ again!” on the outside, and on the inside it said “So when are you going to have a baby?”
And then after the first… “Ready for another one??”
Then after the second (and I presume subsequent children as well), the common refrain is “So are you done now?”
Which, my friends, is where Andy and I are right now.
Before Sammy was born, I would have (and did) answered that question with an emphatic “Hell yeah!” I mean, I practically had him scheduled for the ol’ snip snip.
Now, though, it’s more of a {face contorted} “Yes. I think so. Probably. Maybe. I don’t know.”
And that’s just it – I don’t know.
It doesn’t make sense for us to have more kids. We don’t have another bedroom, and Sammy’s is already super small. We don’t have room for another car seat. And I can’t even begin to think about the financial implications of another baby.
But… I see things like Megan’s ultrasound or hear a tiny baby cry and my uterus skips a beat.
I also realize, though, that those things probably happen regardless. I mean, what are you supposed to do – keep having children until the sights/sounds of pregnancy and babies are repulsive? That doesn’t sound like such a good plan.
So tell me, readers, how did you know that you were done? Or how did you know that you’re not?
seriously, the million dollar question. Wish it was more black and white.
I go back and forth on this daily. We have one now and I definitely would like another (when? That’s a whole other issue) but do I want a third? Some days, yes, some days, no. Two seems practical but three is more to love, to celebrate, to cherish.
I would love to see what others have to say.
If you have another one, I’ll have to have another one, so please, consider your decision CAREFULLY. 🙂
I’ve been struggling with this lately too, and we have FIVE children. I know that if we did have one more it would be THE LAST, but I just can’t help but feeling like I want 1 more. ugh. I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do.
I would love to have another one someday but cannot afford to go through the adoption process again. So here’s my solution: YOU have another one instead. Kthxbai.
I made the decision when I was 9 months pregnant and miserable – probably a smart time to do it. I told them if I had to have a c-section to tie my tubes while they were at it. My husband, after watching me be miserable for 9+ months, was completely on board and had offered to go do the snip while I was still pregnant. And honestly – medically and physically I have no business being pregnant again.
But now that Tessa is nearing her first birthday and my exhaustion has faded (although my fat ass lingers), I find myself being all gooshy anytime talk of infants comes up. So it was probably good that I made the choice from a realistic (and very pregnant) perspective. But my husband started talking about another adoption in the baby aisle at Target a few weeks ago. I want it on record that he brought it up first. I don’t know if we will ever go down that road again because once we emerge from the can’t get out much phase and have fully functioning little people it might be hard to go back again. But they are so little and sweet!
I had three (now 4, 6 and 8) and can honestly say that the urge to have more has pretty much disappeared (but not so before the last one). I love to hold babies and smell babies, but I look at my three and thank God that I do not have to change diapers anymore. I would happily take in another child(ren) if there were ever a need because I adore children, but the desire to have another is gone. For me, three was the magic number!
Also, on a side note, it was no harder for me to take care of three than it was for two, though more expensive, but that doesn’t last forever. We have a Toyota FJ Cruiser and were able to fit three car seats in the back, though it was a workout getting everyone buckled. It is much easier now that two can buckle themselves. On a positive note, birthday parties are easier because you already have two guests for the birthday child!
Hope that helps.
Happy sign in the last post is supposed to be an 8 and ). Programming assumed it was a happy sign!
I don’t want to be done yet. I only have one right now, and I know I want another. I don’t know if that can be achieved yet, but I’m open to other methods of growing my family too.
Part of me already wants a third. Part of me knows that probably won’t be practical for the same reasons you outlined. What will draw the line is that I’m fairly certain my DH will say 2 is it, if we get there at all.
WELL…we are on #8 and that is still the question of the day. I know that children are a blessing and a GIFT from GOD. Each has been a “journey” with Christ for me in accepting pregnancy to raising them. Just remember, HE will provide financially if He decides you need another on to love and learn from. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY for God’s will to be done in this so you and Andy do not miss out on a Gift He had for you. (I told Chris we were done at 4! it took a miscarriage for God to convice me otherwise!) Remember the ultimate goal no matter what you decide is to lead them to Christ – their creator and savior – to ubild the kingdom!
Em, wish I could give you a clear answer on this, but I think this is one of life’s big What Ifs?
I have no children, so I’m no help here. But seeing all the cute babies being born really makes me want one even more. And then I pinch myself and the feeling totally passes! 🙂
Seriously, I want children, I’m just not ready for them yet. But are you ever really “READY”?
Good luck with your decision, and I might consider Jenny’s reply as a small threat, but that’s just me.
According to my mom, that feeling of I want another one never goes away. To me, it was just a matter of knowing I couldn’t handle another pregnancy….didn’t want to try my luck one more time! Plus, I think that 2 boys and 2 girls is a nice rounded out combo!
I knew as soon as #2 was born and I saw how different he was from his brother- just the idea of another little mystery Somebody got me. And also- we just knew our family wasn’t complete yet.
Now our oldest is 3 1/2, our youngest is 22 months, and #3 is due in November. We live in a little old 2-bedroom house, with the kids sharing a room. It works for us, and I have complete faith that it will continue to, until God provides a way (read: real estate market recovery!) to a home with more space. Meanwhile, we’re cozy, happy, and VERY organized! 🙂
I guess our theory was to go with our hearts on the more-kids issue. The practical things can always be worked around and changed.
I know every woman is different, but I knew when I was 8+ months pregnant and still know I don’t want any more! I got my 2 boys and am pretty content with that. The thought of accidentally getting pregnant horrifies me, but I know that if by some chance I ever do get preggers again, God wanted me to have more than my 2, and I would be all right with it!
This IS such a tough one. I have always thought I wanted at least 3, because I only had one sister, 8 years younger, and I felt lonely for siblings growing up. So now we have 2 (1 and 3), and I am confident that we want another one. I feel like I would be really really sad if we didn’t, like there’s a hole in my family (just in my head) that needs to be filled. BUT after that, I think I would be having the same feelings that you are describing, which is that I’m not necessarily longing for another one, but feel sad at the prospect of being done. So then what to do? I’ve heard people say that every woman has these feelings after the last one, whether that’s #1 or #10. So obviously I don’t know your answer, or even my own. I think it’s hard to distinguish between “really want another one” and “sad that the child-bearing stage of my life is past”. Good luck figuring it out and certainly keep us posted!
I have three boys and still go back and forth on that question myself! I wonder if the desire ever totally goes away, and when it is time to move on with the next phase of life? When I had my third, I thought I was done, now my boys are 10, 7 and 5 and I’m thinking I want one more. (somedays I don’t!) I guess it is in God’s hands for me, I’ll be fine either way, but a hard question to answer!!! Some probably know when they are done some take more time figuring it out!
I have an 8 year old boy and 6 year old girl and they get along great. After a boy and a girl, it seems that we really have it all and we feel complete as a family!
Before I had kids I thought 2… or 4. Then after one baby I thought 2… or 4. Then after BOY number 2 I thought at least three, but why not round it off to four?!?! Then I solved any indecision with a couple of Facebook quizzes. One told me I would have three girls… hmm, that makes 5 kids. Then a second told me I would have 6 kids. That surely means there are three girls and one more boy in my future. Because after all, life hands us no questions that can’t be answered with a FB quiz, right?!?!
I just get my baby fix on nieces and nephews. I’m glad I only have two. Every once in a while I think “what if,” but I know my family is complete with my girls.
I usually have an opinion about everything, but I don’t know what to say on this one, Emily. We’ve only had one, but because things ended up very dangerous and scary, I’m reluctant to talk about having a second. But we think we want a second child. But I’m not sure I could handle another child! Plus it’s scary to think about getting pregnant again. But we don’t want Annalyn to be an only child…
See, we go back and forth on this issue at our house. A lot.
So I have no advice. But I’m confident that you’ll figure it out in just the right time. 🙂
Emily,
My husband is a very practical man. And from his viewpoint, we are done. Our house and car are the right size, and he can not envision being able to love a third baby. And I get that, from a logical point. But I just don’t feel ready to stand up and say, “We’re not having any more children”. It doesn’t feel right to me. A few weeks ago, I had this moment where I thought I might be pregnant. And at first, I freaked out about all the practical stuff. But then, I realised that all that would be worked out. I also realised that 3 is my number. I would totally be able, after three children, to say “We’re done” with confidence. So although my husband is, at the moment, pretty sure we’re not having any more, he’s conceded to have ‘the discussion’ again in January, when our eldest goes to preschool. But we get this question a lot from my brother-in-law, and it does feel a bit strange to say, “I don’t know”, especially when they have 5 children! I feel like such a slacker!
Well, we weren’t necessarily supposed to have three kids. *ahem* But we do, and we’re done. We took care of that. Well, okay, my husband took care of that. If we’re going to have another kid, we’ll adopt. Which we might actually do someday.
I have two and I am done. Medically speaking, my first was two weeks early, my second was four weeks early (after I had been in pre-term labor for a month). I was kept in Vanderbilt Medical Center in Nasvhille for a week in pre-term labor. The day I checked out the Dr. said, “I saw you at 34 weeks this time, I’ll see you at 32 next time.” I knew then that this was my last one. I wouldn’t risk losing one to have a third. I have a son and daughter, 13 months apart. While yes, at times, it was very hard, now that they are a little older (8 & 9) we have so much fun together. They do fight occasionally, but I can already see how close they are going to be as they grow up and can’t think of a better gift that I could have given them than each other.
I don’t have any good advice for you either! We have three (3 yrs, 2 yrs and 9 mos) and it is rough sometimes, but our third one has been so much easier than the other two in a lot of ways. My husband doesn’t care if we have more now because our house is pretty chaotic as is and adding more wouldn’t make much of a difference! I do cherish the moments with my baby and wonder if she’ll be our last. We’ll see what God has in store for our future!
As far as money and space goes, I definitely wouldn’t let that be the deciding factor. We live on one income, and God always provides. Right now, all three kids are in the same room and seem to prefer it that way (we do still have a third bedroom we can use). I think I’d regret it later if I made a decision about having another child on money. My dad always says he can’t imagine life without my youngest brother (their sixth child). He is so thankful they decided to have one more.
Also, I think kids take their cues from their parents as far as their living situation is concerned. If you are positive and act like squeezing another kid into your house would be fun, they will go with it! We knew my parents didn’t have a lot of extra money growing up, but they didn’t harp on it. Instead of going out to eat or on expensive vacations, we had family games of baseball, took bike rides and went camping. We loved it. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. It’s not about the price tag on your family time together, it’s about the quality time you spend with your kids. Sorry this probably doesn’t help you with your decision, but I wish you the best! Good luck!
My husband wanted 2 children but after our second I just didn’t feel like my family was really done. We ended up having a third child and I still had the same feeling. Even though I would have had another my husband felt that the financial implications of having another child would have compromised the life that we wanted to provide to our three children. I am sure we could have made it work but as they get older the costs get higher not to mention putting 3 children through college and paying for weddings. Yes, I will always long for another child but who’s to say that feeling would have gone away even after the 4th? So I guess my answer is I don’t think you ever really know. You just make the best decision you can for your family.
I think you just know when you are done. That being said, even then you still get a twinge now and then – human mommy nature, I guess! Definitely not a decision to make with your head (at least for you, as you are responsible and caring for your children and all). Good luck with the decision!
Here’s my two cents worth…um you have a HUGE basement that can be broke up into rooms if need be (I just might know someone that can do that for you for a small fee…ok fine a margarita..:))but my point is do you and Andy want to have another baby? If you answered yes then everything will fall into place because that is what always happens and if they answer is no, then so be it…there is a reason that things happen and when I was told a couple weeks ago that my option to have another one were slim to none and I no longer had control of that….I knew there is a reason for everything…you may not know it at the time and it may not be the answer you are looking for but God does GREAT things and He will guide you if you listen…you already have the picket fence why not add to it….just a thought…love ya…
I think you should do what’s best for you and your family. If your heart says you are ready, then maybe it’s time. I don’t know, one thing I hate are the questions like “when are you having another?” or “when are you having a baby?”. I think they are, unless by a very close loved one, extremely rude. We had just had a miscarriage and a co-worker asked me (and my daughter was 4 at the time), “when are you having another, don’t you want one?”. I just about burst into tears. My advice to everywhere is to not ask those kinds of questions. A few months later I was pregnant again and we had a perfect baby boy in January.
When I was contemplating my third my mom told me she always wished she had had a third. We went for it and had our third girl! I am so glad I did!
I didn’t find out the sex for the first two, but we couldn’t resist for the third one. When the ultrasound technician told us it was a girl I went into a weird state of laughing/crying/hysteria. Now I wouldn’t trade Olivia for the world! Now, as I struggle with a five year old, three year old and 20 month old in the Target parking lot, people ask if I am going to try for a boy!!! No way! As we say in our house, “Girl power, Baby!”
Oh yeah, just one more thing – I have one word for you: Bunkbeds!
Good luck with your decision! I love reading your blog. You GIRLS rock!
Katie
my husband always said we were done. But I always had that little feeling that maybe we weren’t. And we had another just a few months ago, and I can’t imagine life without him! So if you aren’t 100% sure, don’t do anything drastic 🙂
it’s interesting…if folks have regrets later in life about children it is never, “gee honey, why did we have buster. we should have stopped with 2.” 🙂 and it is almost always, “I wish we would have had one more.” a dear friend said she pictured she and her husbands retirement and knew she would cherish her childrens visits and grandchildren. she knew she would regret missing the chance to fill her later years with family. i have to concur.
we have four and 1.) it isn’t exponentially harder with each addition. in our case they give so much to each other. their relationship cup gets filled and it isn’t from only dad and mom. 2.)when in doubt, go for the gift. each child is such a precious gift and in each case God has enlarged our capacity to parent them. He comes through with what we need for each day. 3.) people talk about that “done feeling”. i have to say that i never felt done until after we had our fourth. we prayed that God would make it clear each time we wondered if there was another sweet soul meant for our family. After no. 4 our family felt complete. i could look on and enjoy others newborns and not feel drawn to another of our own. tom and i took that as God’s answer on what He had in mind for our family.