I’m Packing My Emergency Baby Delivery Kit!

A mere seven days stand between Emily & me & IKEA. It’s hard to believe! I’ve been mentally preparing myself for our assault on this glorious multi-level furnishings store and I felt geared up to go – UNTIL Emily called me with some news last night.

The crazy, exciting, terrifying, madhouse Moms Market sale we attend twice a year is the next day. At 9 a.m. Which means we have to get there by 7:30. Or camp out all night. Although I am really excited about this sale (the bargains to be had there are AMAZING!!!), I am also gettting a little panicky about the whole shopping weekend. Because you see, I am pretty sure that Emily’s going to succumb to shopping exhaustion at one of these venues and just go into labor. I mean she will be 36 weeks! Which means that I am going to have to deliver her baby. Because trust me, there are going to be no Good Samaritans to help us out! MAYBE at IKEA but I doubt it. Definitely not at the Mom’s Market. These people are rabid, no-holds-barred, teeth-baring Bargain Shopping Mamas, and they are not gonna stop shopping even to help one of their own bring new life into the world. They’ll just yell “Get out of the way!” as they leap over her to get to the 2T clothes.

So to prepare myself for this possibly emergency shopping-induced delivery, I have gone to – where else? Google! -for help on this matter. I found the following guide on About.com. I think I am just gonna print it out and take it with me on our shopping trip!

1. Try to stay calm and reassure the mother. HA HA HA HA! Oh good one, good one About.com! Funny!

2. Wash your hands well with soap and water. Wear sterile rubber gloves, if possible. Ok, so pack some Purell and go to CVS to buy rubber gloves, got it.

3. Select a large, flat surface, such as a bed or table, as a birthing area. Provide good lighting and keep the area warm. Cover the area with a clean sheet or towels. In this case, I really hope Em gives birth at IKEA. LOTS of sheets & towels around and, heck I may even be able to commandeer a bed! At the Moms Market…eh…not so much!

4. Have the mother remove any uncomfortable clothing. Since all maternity clothing is uncomfotale, you are going to be buck naked, Em. Are you cool with that? Support the mother’s head and back with pillows, and have the mother lie on her side. At the time of delivery, she should lie on her back with her knees bent and spread apart. If possible, place a folded towel or blanket under the mother’s right hip to keep her from lying flat on her back. Ahh! That’s too many instructions in one step! We’re screwed!

5. Have the mother take deep, slow breaths, particularly during contractions. Em I’m counting on you to remember how to breathe on this one.

6. When the baby’s head shows during each contraction, tell the mother to push. Have her take a deep breath, hold it, and push for a count of 10. Then she should exhale and repeat this breathing for the duration of each contraction. The mother should NOT push between contractions. Wait, where’s the part where I give her an epidural? ‘Cause I don’t think either of us can do this without one!

7. Place your hand against the area below the vaginal opening and apply gentle pressure during each contraction. This pressure will prevent the baby from coming too fast. Your other hand, placed gently against the vaginal opening over the baby’s head, will help control how quickly the baby’s head comes out of the vaginal opening. Uhhh…what??

8. As the baby’s head is delivered, support it with your hands. The baby will naturally turn to one side. As soon as the head is out, have the mother stop pushing so that the baby’s mouth and nose can be cleaned. Wow, it’s out already? Dang that was easy! Maybe I should become a midwife!

9. Clean the baby’s mouth and nose, preferrably with a suction bulb. Use a clean towel if no suction bulb is available.
If the umbilical cord is wrapped around the infant’s neck during delivery, work your forefinger between the cord and the baby’s neck. Gently but quickly slip the cord over the baby’s head. DO NOT CUT THE CORD! If it will not slip easily over the baby’s head, don’t worry about it. Instead, continue with the delivery. Suction bulb, check, the rest….AHHHHHHH!! That’s it Emily, you need to go get your cervix sewn shut before we go shopping!

10. Once the head is delivered, the rest of the baby’s body generally comes out quickly. With your hands on either side of the baby’s head, gently guide it downwards while the mother pushes (the top shoulder should emerge). Guide the baby upwards and support its head and shoulders as the rest of the baby emerges. QUICKLY NOTE THE GENDER AND THEN REFUSE TO TELL EMILY. If the baby’s shoulder seems stuck, tell the mother to push hard. DO NOT PULL ON THE BABY. Press down on the mother’s abdomen in the area just above the mother’s pubic hair. You can also try lifting the mother’s legs back toward her chest, keeping her knees bent and apart. All I have to say is, this baby better pop out of your slip-n-slide birth canal like Kate did.

11. Once delivered, the baby should be held with its head down, feet higher than the head, so that fluids can drain. Hold the baby at about the same height as the vaginal opening. After the baby starts to cry, suction or wipe the baby’s nose and mouth again with a clean cloth. The baby may be blue, but will turn pink within minutes, if breathing well. I thought it was blue for boy and pink for girl…how else am I supposed to finally find out this kid’s gender??

Ok, I am going to summarize the rest for you: Mucus, placenta, mucus, blood, cut, tie, knot, bleeding, Jenny passes out, Emily finishes the job herself, IKEA gives us both a $500 gift certificate, we get to appear on Oprah, and we all live happily ever after! Woohoo! I can’t wait!