By Jenny Michelle Rapson, M.D.
Dear Emily,
It has come to my attention that you have some questions and/or neurotic delusions apprehension about your upcoming surgery. Allow me to walk you through the hysterectomy process to allay any concerns that you might have about the procedure and its aftermath, mmkay?
Because you ALREADY googled what happens during a hysterectomy, you should know that you already know what’s going to happen. But because that is not enough to calm your @$$ down, I will tell you again.
1) You will take a very big, extremely restful nap, during which…
2) A very kind (not to mention fashionable) doctor whose shoes you once ruined with your placenta (rude) will cut your abdomen open and then put some sort of apparatus in place to keep it that way.
3) She will then remove ALL your internal organs and hand them off to an OR nurse who will bathe them with what I can only assume is industrial-grade Purell while she (fashionable doc that is) scoops out your uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and everything on the inside that makes you a lady – including the stuff that’s not supposed to be there, and sends them on to lady-parts Heaven (where I hear, incidentally, it’s like TLC and HGTV and Sex and the City all rolled into one. So your uterus & oves are in for a good time.)
***Pause*** And the award for longest sentence ever written goes to…
***Un-pause***
4) You will wake up with your newly-clean organs back in place and no lady parts! YAY! But you will not care because you will be filled with glorious painkillers. PLUS, you will have a catheter so you won’t even have to get up to pee. SO CONVENIENT! You will think that maybe this is the best day of your life.
5) 12 hours later they will take the catheter out and make you get up to pee. When you stand, you will feel like your gut ways 12,000 lbs and that the weight of it will surely rip your incision back open. It won’t. You and your IV pole will shuffle to the bathroom where you will pee like a champ. You will shuffle 6 feet back to the bed and demand a fishing GOLD FISHING MEDAL and 2 Percoset, AND MAKE IT SNAPPY.
6) You will take pain meds every 4 hours. You will curse less and less each time you get up to pee. After 24 hours you will take a shower and you will want another fishing medal but silver would be ok this time. NOPE NEVERMIND MAKE THAT GOLD! IT FEELS LIKE I JUST RAN A MARATHON!
7) You will go home to your loving family loaded down with pain meds which you will dutifully take every 4 hours.
8) Loving friends and family will bring you meals and the remote control.
9) You will watch lots of Netflix and HGTV but NOTHING FUNNY.
10) You will keep a loaded gun in the bed next to you so you can actually murder the first person who makes you laugh, and anyone else who is dumb enough to try.
11) You will sleep sleep sleepy sleep sleep. For the first week you will do nothing but sleep, watch tv, go to the bathroom, and maybe shower. And also eat and drink what your servants bring you because you are not even getting up to get it yourself.
12) After a week you will start to feel like, “Oh I am so much better, I am going to get up and do things and maybe take a drive.”
13) You will crawl back to bed berating yourself for being so stupid and pop some more pain meds.
14) You will read a bunch of books. They will be SO GOOD that you will have to write down the titles and remember to read them again when you are not on narcotics to make sure they are really good before you actually recommend them to anyone.
15) You will post many, many post-surgery, narcotic-induced selfies to Instagram with the hashtag “#spreadsheethysterectomy”.
16) You will start growing a pen!s.
17) Just kidding.
18) You will watch more TV and read more books and sleep a lot and then magically, after 6 weeks, you will feel ALL BETTER! You will be like “I don’t need no stinkin’ reproductive organs! Look at me now, beetches!”
19) Immediately after you have this thought, you will think, “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”
20) Menopause.
And that my dear cousin, is what to expect when you’re expecting a hysterectomy and ovarian evacuation. Don’t worry, I will be there to support you every step of the way! Except for when I’m on my 15th anniversary getaway. That’s 4 days you’ll have to rely on that old guy you’re married to, that old guy who spawned you, and your lovely sister.
Sincerely,
Your loving cousin and medical expert Jenny
