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Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to buy your kid for Christmas

Oh hello there! Welcome to the next installment of Jenny’s Life Klass. It’s been way too long since I’ve written one of these instructional gems, and I imagine your lives are all going to hell in a handbasket because of it. I’m SO sorry! Let me help you get back on track just in time for the holidays with this can’t-miss list of things to NOT buy your kid for Christmas. I repeat, DO NOT BUY THIS CRAP.  Even if little Honest’I and Hashtag (dudes, someone named their kid HASHTAG this week!) are dyyyiinnng to have it! This is not advertorial! Maybe there’s no such thing as bad press, but I’m tryyyying here. This stuff sucks. So, let’s get started!

1) LOL Elmo – I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel about the over-use of the phrase “LOL”. Well here’s a prime example. My own kids love and have loved Elmo, but I’d never buy them one that looks (and probably sounds) like he’s having a constant seizure. OR TELLS JOKES. This thing tells jokes! Who wants to hear Elmo tell the same three jokes overandoverandoverandover again? Let me think about it….NO ONE! Have mercy, people. Don’t. Buy. It.

2) Bratz Bratzillaz dolls – Great  news, parents! Now there’s a doll that teaches your kid that being slutty is cool, and witchcraft is cooler! It’s like the worst Halloween costume, ever – IN A DOLL!  Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! But don’t take my word for it! The official product description says, “Glam gets wicked with Bratzillaz. These Bratz are the only fashion dolls that help girls achieve their dreams with special witch powers, wicked glam fashions and adorable mischievous pets.”

Really? If you want your darling daughter to become Sabrina the Teenage Whoretch, buy ’em all!

3) Furby – Or as I like to call it, WTFurby?? I am going to have NIGHTMARES just from looking at this picture! For the record, parents, you should never, ever, EVER buy anything for your child that comes with these instructions: “Pet ____’s head, tickle its tummy or pull its tail and see what happens” !!?? Um, uh…the possible scenarios are giving me an anxiety attack. Don’t let the Furby EAT YOUR BABY!

4) One Direction What Makes You Beautiful Doll – Umm, isn’t the name of this doll ironic? OHMAHGAH!!! Please don’t make me explain why you should not buy this creepy, scary, creepariffic, frightening, scary McGary, icky, robot-like boy band doll for your child. Please. Just know that every time one of these dolls is sold, an African village is  burned to the ground. All right, that is probably not true, BUT…bad things will happen if you welcome this thing into your home. EEEEEEEK!

 

5) Power Wheels Escalade – I’m not gonna lie to you, people. If you buy your 3-year-old a $500 Cadillac SUV for a “toy”, you will go straight to hell. 

Allright my friends, that’s the list! Don’t worry, if you’ve screwed up and purchased any of these stinkbombs, there’s still plenty of time to return them! As a matter of fact, your homework is to return them if you’ve already bought one. And if you haven’t committed such an act of treachery, your homework is to go buy something that doesn’t suck and isn’t a colossal waste of money. Do that and you will earn an A+++! Give to a charity in your child’s name instead of buying a WTFurby?!? and you will get extra credit!

Happy shopping!

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Just Say Yes to Drugs.

Hippie Sale

Many, many moons ago, back when I was young and dumb, I attended a hippie music festival with Andy. Everything – everything – was legal in that place (or at least was overlooked by the rent-a-cops in attendance) except one thing – nitrous.

There was no nitrous allowed.

The security guards searched cars – not for drugs, mind you, because if they searched for drugs and you didn’t have any they’d probably try to give them to you – but for nitrous tanks.

No nitrous! That shit’ll kill you.

However, one group of hippies managed to get their nitrous tank past the fuzz and into the camp grounds, and in the middle of the afternoon Andy, our friends and I were sitting near our tent minding our own business (not doing drugs, for the record. I read Sweet Valley High – Regina Morrow’s fatal overdose scarred me for life, thankyouverymuch). Ahem. As I was saying. So all the sudden we hear this loud boom and a handful of hippies started rolling out of one tent, running for their lives. Their nitrous tank had exploded. BUT – for every hippie that fled the scene, there were four more hippies running in the direction of the explosion. Dozens of hippies crawling around on their hands and knees, furiously sniffing at the cloud of nitrous that was quickly disappearing into thin air.

At the time, I looked on them the same way I looked at all hippies with disgust. For shame, for shame. Breaking the rules, risking their lives doing DRUGS. Someone needed to call Nancy Reagan stat.

But.

Fast forward to today, when I innocently walked into my dentist office for a crown and walked out two hours later as a drug enthusiast.

The dental assistant, kind soul that she was, asked me if I’d like some nitrous with my novocaine, and after determining that yes, I’d be safe to drive, I told her to hook me up. I’d never had the stuff before, but OMG people, I wanted to take it home with me! They could have sawed my jaw off and I couldn’t have cared less. I just wanted to keep huffing the laughing gas. $500 for a two-hour procedure suddenly seemed like a bargain. Man, that was good stuff.

So, hippies I looked down upon all those years ago – I get it now. I totally get it. The next time a tank explodes, I’ll be right there with ya.

But you still need a shower.

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Fisher-Price Moments of Joy $100 Giveaway

I love Fisher-Price, don’t you? I can’t even count the number of Fisher-Price toys and gear my kids have had over the years! My favorite are the Little People! As a matter of fact, we keep our Little People Nativity Set up all year long (we love Jesus 365 days a year in this house). I’ve also bought Jonah two of the Little People Wheelies sets for his birthday and Christmas (shh don’t tell!!) and I can’t wait to give them to him! So when Fisher-Price asked me to tell you about something new they got goin’ on AND give away a $100 AMEX card,  I didn’t have to think twice!

Fisher-Price has just debuted a new photo and video sharing site called Fisher-Price Moments of Joy. It’s a place for parents to upload the sweetest, most candid moments they share with their kids, and it’s super-easy to do. Here are some of the moments I uploaded:

The Moments of Joy site couldn’t be any easier to use, or more fun. It’s a great way to keep track of your joyous memories, and store, caption, and describe them for posterity.  Plus, if you upload, you are automatically entered to win the “Fisher-Price Moments of Joy Sweepstakes” – five winners will win $100 gift cards weekly and one lucky uploader will win up to $1,000 of Fisher-Price toys! WOW! All you have to do is upload one moment to be entered! And there will be one winner a week through December 20th!

And of course, you can also enter to win $100 here as well!! Here’s how you enter to win $100 from Fisher-Price Moments of Joy and Mommin’ It Up:

1) Leave a comment on this blog telling me your favorite Fisher-Price toy.

2) Upload a photo or video to Fisher-Price Moments of Joy and leave a separate comment here with a link to your moment.

3) Like Fisher-Price Moments of Joy on Facebook.

One winner will be chosen at random on Tuesday, December 4th at 6pm EST. Good luck and happy uploading!

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Fisher-Price Moments of Joy has compensated me for my review of their site. All opinions about it are my own.

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