Welcome to Jenny’s Life Klass, Lesson #3:What Not to Get on Your Tattoo. Listen up, people. I know that tattoos are cool and trendy and what not. I have several friends with some very pretty tattoos, in fact. (You know who you are!) And I’m not against them or anything, but they are not my thing. However, when I go to the pool and I am one of only 20% of the adults there without one? I know they are here to stay. I also know that because they are permanent, ding dongs.
You guys, did you know tattoos are like, FOREVER? Unless you have lots of money for expensive and painful laser removal? TRUE STORY!
So, you still want one? Well, that’s cool. But look before you leap, my lovelies. Don’t get a tattoo without reading this. I bring you, my people, the Jenny’s Life Klass list of things to not get stamped on your a$$ forever.
1) Your significant other’s name. Guess what, America? Relationships don’t last. Just ask Angelina Jolie about her “Billy Bob” tattoo. Which is now a FUGLY snake. I’m sure Brad thinks it’s super-sexy. So before you get “Kanye 4EVA” tattooed on your cleavage, Kim Kardashian, think twice! And don’t.
2) Expletives. Hey, Klassy Lady at the pool? Your “Sexy B*tch” tattoo is totally smokin’ and dag!! I know it must’ve been hard to resist getting that SWEET TAT! But my adorable genius children? CAN READ. And “MOMMY WHAT DOES B*TCH MEAN??” is not what I want to hear coming out of their precious little mouths. So either a) don’t get that crap tattooed on your “tramp stamp” designated area or b) don’t wear a bikini {because girl? I’ll be honest. You shouldn’t be. The “sexy” bit of your tattoo? NO LONGER APPLIES.} or c) get it tattooed on the bottom of your foot where my little baby’s innocent eyes won’t see it.
3) Celebrities’ faces. Geez, I KNOW this one is hard to resist. I have to fight back the urge to get Emily’s face tattooed across my shoulder blade on a daily basis. However, what keeps me from making this grave mistake is this simple truth: FACES belong on heads and not on other body parts. So even though you really want to get this on your bod:
and this:
and this:
Do. NOT. DO IT.
And though I still bottom line, do NOT approve, if you absolutely MUST get a tattoo of a celebrity’s face on your bod, at least pick something we can all enjoy:
Remember people, think before you ink!
Your homework for this Life Klass: don’t get a tattoo that contains expletives, lover’s names, or other people’s faces. Engaging in any of these actions will result in you failing Life Klass and getting sent straight to hell. Seriously, I checked. You should probably trust me on this one.
Go forth and be Klassy!
Not tats for me!
UP
Hmm…I must have forgot to show you the giant string of butterflies across my belly that now look like teradactyls. Can we still be friends?
Rest homes of tomorrow will NOT be pretty!
UP
Totally kidding, UP! No tattoos on this girl.
I can’t quit you, Tess.
I know, I know. I’m like…trending…and stuff!!
I shall submit any future tattoo images to you for approval. I hope they will be pretty enough!
This also makes me remember a billboard I saw for a tattoo place a couple of months ago: Put your graduation money to good use! Tattoos last forever! If only I would have been that smart to invest my graduation loot in such a way when I bid adieu to good ol’ Northridge High!
Cousin, when you finally do break down and get my face tattooed on your shoulder – because we all know it’s just a matter of time – could you do me a solid? Learn from the Oprah fan above and instruct the tattoo artist to make my face appear skinnier than it ever has in real life, k?
When I get your face tattooed on my shoulder, I am going to use that picture of us from after we both had just given birth to our first babies.
Because it’s going to be a tattoo of BOTH of us together looking our most beautiful, of course!
Oh my gosh, I am dying! I’m surprised you didn’t include that pin/pic of the baby holding the daddy’s finger that was X-rated! 🙂
So, did I fail? I mean, I have a name tat-ed on me. It’s my own however. I’m not crazy enough to get another person’s name, however I’m just narcissistic enough to get my own. Go me! 😉
Just don’t change your name Kandi, that will result in an F MINUS!
Jenny, this is actually andy using Emily’s computer. Great post! Hilarious as always! This is just what I needed. Now I have guidelines. I need guidelines. So now that I know it’s ok, because you said so and you rule, I am going to go forward with ALL of my tatoo ideas. I am tired of not being cool. Here’s my list (in no specific order): Kate, Sam, St. Louis Cardinals, Star Wars, Rush (the band people NOT the guy), Dark Tower, Lord of the Rings, schwa symbol, & in honor of Cousin Bobby & our new but used vehicle that we love…Lexus. Nothing says cool like that list! Emily will be happy and if she’s not, I will remind her that cousin Jenny said it would be ok. I followed her rules! Ps. For any baseball fans out there, I would add one rule to the list: no favorite players’ names. I am glad I didn’t go forward with my plan of turning my back into the career stats for Albert Pujols!
Go for it, cousin Andy! GO BIG OR GO HOME! As long as you don’t put Frodo and Mark Hammill’s faces on your bod, I think you’re ok.