Hello and welcome to lesson 2 of Jenny’s Life Klass. In this lesson I will be telling you how to DRIVE A CAR in a manner which will not only keep you and your passengers and fellow road-mates safe but will also keep you from pissing me off. So, why don’t you jump over to the passenger seat and get cozy while I drive for a bit. Don’t worry, I passed my driver’s test on the THIRD try, so you’re in good hands! And though I do have that stain on my record, I haven’t had any collisions since I hit a parked car backing out of my future in-laws’ driveway in 1997. And it wasn’t even MOVING. And the only reason I hit it is because I totally didn’t look in my rearview mirror, like, AT ALL when I was backing out. So. Lesson learned. Fifteen years of keeping my car to myself since then and now I’m ready to be the backseat driver for everyone in the entire world.
So, listen up! Here are my basic tenets for successful car-driving:
1) Use your turn signal. Listen, I know it’s a real strain on your wrist to flick that little signal switch up or down, but I promise you, exerting yourself is worth the effort here. Because although I am brilliant (and attractive), I am not clairvoyant and if you are driving down the road in my vicinity, I can’t read your $#!@ mind. So do me a favor and SIGNAL which way you’re going, mmkay? Especially if you are going to cut me off. Which reminds me…
2) DO NOT CUT ME OFF. Again, I realize you are super-important and are probably like, a news anchor or neurosurgeon or something, but me & my kids still need to get to Sonic for happy hour in one piece. Soooo, please don’t swerve over in my lane in front of my super bad-ass Sienna (because it is kind of a tank and it WILL crunch your Miata) unless you are giving me plenty of room to brake, THX.
3) Drive the speed limit. Not less. I can’t advocate speeding but I CAN advocate going a MINIMUM of the posted speed limit. When you go 30 MPH in a 35, you take YEARS off my life, and cause my irrational anger issues to vault to the surface. Again, I gotsta get to Sonic before 5pm to get my half-off Vanilla Coke, so MOVE IT!! Priorities, Grandma. (Yes, I am talking to you in the BUICK.)
4) Don’t pass me, get in front of me, and then go slower than me. Or I. WILL. CUT YOU. (Don’t make me!)
And lastly,
5) Hit the gas when the light turns green! Much to my father’s chagrin (hi dad!) I am always in a hurry. And when the light turns green, I GO. I think you should too! Don’t wait three or five or ten seconds just to make SURE that the light is actually green. Green is actually QUITE different from red and if you need to verify that with a double-take, you probably shouldn’t be driving. And also? If you get a green ARROW to turn left on, PUT THE PEDAL to the FLOOR! Green arrows are quick little suckers and if you hesitate, then I might not make it through that intersection in time. And as I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve got places to be. There is no moseying through a green arrow. GO!!
What do you think, should I open up my own driving school?
Go forth and practice these points! Your Life Klass homework is to not be a crappy driver. I hope you all get an A+ or stay the heck away from me when I’m on my way to Sonic. Either way.
For extra credit, what points would you add to make this lesson of Jenny’s Life Klass even more comprehensive?
You crack me up cousin! As a reformed horrible driver, My advice is for parents: Do NOT, do Not by your 17 year old a mustang/turbo mini cooper/or any other vehicle that has any ability to drive ridiculous speeds or even looks like it could do so. Buy your children Buicks/minivans/volvos, indestrucible pieces of shit that don’t go fast and make them uncool. My volvo with 275,000miles on it was the only reason I lived past 18…
Or super-awesome Relient K cars named Miles.
Hilarious and oh so true! I’d make a couple of additions: The Yield sign is not for the people who are already driving on the highway. “This lane ends” means just that — don’t expect people to be kind when you chose not to merge into the correct lane.
WORD! This lane ENDS. PLAN ACCORDINGLY, dummies. This sign is not here because it’s pretty!
Three of my favorite “learning how to drive” Jenny-isms:
1. Green arrows are out friends.
2. Avoid backing whenever possible.
3. Pray before you merge (ok, Nancy really gets the credit for that one, since it was one we learned together offer many years in Sunday School, I’m giving you credit, too).
Personally, I would add:
And really, WHY must you BACK INTO a parking spot??? You’re not really saving yourself any time and you’re just annoying me while I have to wait for you to impress the girl in the passenger seat that you can do it backwards. Way to go. She’s bored to tears. Just be normal and park your Civic like the rest of the universe.
Hahahaha so funny and so true! Thanks for making me laugh today! 🙂
I could not agree more. Brilliance!! Wish I had thought of that one myself! Every time someone backs into a parking spot,someone sprains an eyeball from rolling them so hard. It’s tragic!
I practice safe driving, and I avoid backing when possible!
UP
Good list. Although I won’t mind if my kid when they become of age decide to drive under the limit.
1. If you are so far behind the times that you refuse to buy an automatic-anything car, then for God’s sake, turn your lights on when it gets dark. Stop freaking out every single person driving on the same road as you by traveling ghost-style. It’s not cool. AND, when I hit you head-on because I CAN’T SEE YOU, I won’t be able to prove that you weren’t using your headlights because I will have COMPLETELY SMASHED THEM IN.
2. THIS. One million and a half times over. http://pinterest.com/pin/254242341433458214/
3. For the love of all that is holy, the LEFT LANE on the highway is for PASSING. If you are going the speed limit or under, move your slow ass to the right. Gosh.
(Thank you for allowing me to get these off my chest.)
Oh my gosh Allison that PIN!! Cracked me up! I had another point I was going to make and forgot (shocker) about that issue…your failure to plan your lane changes in time should NOT become MY life-threatening emergency! Take the extra 60 seconds to turn around somewhere and try again so my babies and I can go on living!
great job Jenny. I am with Allison on # 3. If you are in the passing lane, PASS something. Oh yes, stay out of my blind spot.
3rd time for me too — taking the test.
YES! Third time’s the charm! What did you have to do in PA? In OH, we have to back up through cones and I kept crunching them!
First of all, hooray for Sonic Happy Hour!
Second, I love your second point. I have often yelled at the person cutting me off in rush hour as I have patiently waited 10 minutes in backed up traffic to get off at my exit. What the heck makes you so darn special that you get to cut in line instead of waiting like the rest of us? Geez.
My husband loves those car chase and world’s worst drivers shows, but really, all I can think about is the innocent babies or children that may be in the car you hit or run off the road for being a moron!