Happy New Year! Let’s Torture Ourselves

In an effort to make my life one big cliche (and keep Emily rolling her eyes at me pretty much constantly), today, yes the first Monday of the new year, I am starting a cleanse. No dairy, no sugar, no lots of other things but since I can’t eat wheat anyway, dairy and sugar are the MOST painful things – basically everything I love and hold dear I cannot have for 10 days. WAAAAAHHHH! Crazy, right? I mean, I have zero self-control. So. This should be fun.

EXCEPT, I’ve done it before. Are you shocked? I have. And I lived to tell about it. It was sometime last year, I can’t even exactly remember when, but I did the cleanse, I DIDN’T EVEN CHEAT, and I survived. The thing I missed the most was my sugary, liquid-poison coffee creamer. Oh man. I might cry just thinking about it! I wish I would have had an extra helping yesterday!!

I should probably be even more cliche and say the reason I am doing this cleanse is because I want to “get healthy” but that would be a bold-faced LIE. Or a bald-faced lie even. Probably both. The truth is, I am doing this cleanse because NONE OF MY PANTS FIT. It has taken me over two years, but I have finally gained back every last pound of the 12 ell bees I lost when I quit eating wheat. That’s right, I’m here to prove that you can eat gluten-free and still be fat! Thanks, Mountain Dew! Just kidding, I know I’m not fat. BUT I AM SQUEEEEEZING myself into my pants in a MOST UNCOMFORTABLE manner which in case you didn’t comprehend from my use of ALL CAPS is extremely uncool.

That’s right, people. Vanity rules.

So.

Cleanse.

No sugar. No dairy. No amazing creamer or sugary lattes. No Mountain Dew or Chewy Sweet Tarts. No cheese sticks, Sonic slushies, or delicious chocolatey gluten-free cereal.

Oh man. I feel sorry for my kids.

If you need me I’ll be huddled in the corner pretending a carrot stick is a pixie stick.

Wish me luck!