I am in an abusive relationship with my keychain.

Man, you can tell from the title that this post is going to be a winner.

It’s true – my keychain is abusive. It hurts me and I keep coming back.

Here’s the offender:

Not that you can tell from that fine piece of photography, but it is made of a thin wire rope. Quite frequently a strand of the rope breaks, and a tiny, unnoticeable metal splinter pops up and pokes the crap out of my hand. It is super awesome… I’ll be walking along, minding my own business when I reach for my keys and stab myself. It draws blood! And also lots of cuss words.

This will happen three or four times in a row, and each time, I vow to buy a new keychain. But then that particular pokey part will break off, and the keychain doesn’t hurt me anymore. So memories of my wounds fade, and I begin to think that my keychain is not so bad. Eventually, I forget to buy a new one.

And then, for no particular reason, it will turn against me and sprout a new needle. I curse and bleed and vow to throw it in the trash, but then…

It’s a vicious cycle, really. If I had to guess, I’d say it has been going on for a year. That’s right, I’ve been carrying around a keychain that regularly makes me bleed for a year.

As my dad would tell me, I have rocks in my head.

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5 Replies to “I am in an abusive relationship with my keychain.”

  1. Kinda reminds me of having braces, maybe you should get some wax! Or just get a fancy Brighton one. I’m sure they’d send YOU one if you posted about it.

    UP

  2. Am I going to have to take the $3.50 we make every month on this blog and buy you a keychain!? I’m going to Target. Be back soon.

  3. Just now read this. I have some sweet Budweiser key chains from work that you can have. I’ll send you a picture and you can choose.

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