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“Not to tease you. BUT!!! Tomorrow we are doing something that is going to be either the BEST or the WORST moment in Mommin’ It Up history!! Stayed tuned” — Jenny Rapson, 11/19/12

So. Let’s see. Where to begin.

Remember a long, long time ago when Nick Lachey stood me up?

Well guess what.

Jenny and I are going to meet him. Today. And we’re not just going to meet him – we’re going to sit down with Nick and interview him.

You see, Nick has teamed up with one of our favorite brands – Tide – and the NFL (Tide’s their official detergent, you know) and they’re hosting an event at the home of Nick’s favorite team, the Cincinnati Bengals. And OMG BFF we are invited!!

Can you guess what our first question will be??

I haven’t exactly decided how to broach the subject with him. Just put it out there on the table first thing? “Hi! So nice to meet you! We almost met once before but you totally stood me up. So glad you could make it today!”

Or wait until we’ve ingratiated ourselves to him and be like “Just one more thing. There was this contest on the radio to win lunch with you and I entered EVERY DAY. And I won!!! It was awesome. But you didn’t show. Can you explain yourself?”

I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but we are SO EXCITED to get to the bottom of this.

And also to get our picture taken with him.

But! We don’t want to make complete jackwagons out of ourselves, so we’ve prepped our other questions carefully.

Actually, that’s not true. We haven’t done that at all. But what we have done is create a list of questions that we must keep to ourselves.

Without further ado…

The Top Ten Questions We Cannot Under Any Circumstances Ask Nick Lachey.

#1. What are your thoughts on Jessica giving her baby the same name as your brother? Many, many books have been published that contain at least 1,999 names that are NOT her ex-husband’s ex-boy band co-star brother’s name.

#2. Any question that starts with “Remember that time you were on Newlyweds?” (Which, I might add, eliminates all important questions.)

#3. Did you ever have the hots for Ashlee?

#4. How about Tina?

#5. Speaking of the Simpsons – did you know Papa Joe was gay?

#6. Did Papa Joe always hate you because he put the moves on you and you rejected him? (Here I always thought it was because he put the moves on Jessica and she rejected him. Goes to show there’s more behind the scenes that we see on reality tv!)

#7. Did Vanessa use Jessica’s wedding planning book before your big day?

#8. Do you and Vanessa have plans for a reality show based on your lives?

#9. Who got custody of Daisy?

#10. When Vanessa takes kids to the pool, do they actually go swimming?

Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, we should be good to go!! We just need to find a classy way to ask him why he left me standing at the altar – I mean, eating lunch by myself – and we have to make sure we don’t let the word “Jessica” cross our lips. And Jenny has to NOT tell him I’m going to lick him, like she did the last time we met a famous person. And I have to actually speak and not sit there like a mute dumbass, like I did the last time we met a famous person. And, OMG, we have to stay out of elevators at all costs.

Yeah. This is going to be good.

So I have avoided writing this post for months, because at Mom 2.0 I learned that engaging in social media brand warfare isn’t the way to go.

However, it’s 3:29 am and I can’t effing sleep and I have HAD ENOUGH. My filter is gone.

A couple years ago, Andy and I bought a Sleep Number bed. For a while, it was incredibly comfortable. But 6 months or so ago, something went wrong with it and it is now horribly uncomfortable. Hence me being awake at 3:29 am.

I have TRIED EVERYTHING to get some help with this. I’ve called. I’ve emailed. I’ve tweeted. I’ve reached out to their PR people asking for some assistance so I wouldn’t have to write this post. When I get someone to actually respond – which is NOT what happens at least half the time – here’s how our conversation goes.

Me: Something is wrong with our bed.
Them: What’s the problem?
Me: I don’t know, but it’s not comfortable.
Them: What’s wrong with it?
Me: I don’t KNOW. It inflates without us telling it to. Or something. I don’t know. But it is JACKED UP.
Them: Well what’s wrong with it?
And then my head EXPLODES.

The “trouble shooting” we’ve been instructed to go though involves looking at the top of mattress and seeing if anything looks wrong. Nope? Well then look at the bottom of the mattress and see if anything looks wrong. NOTHING IS STICKING OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE #$@$ING BED BUT I CAN’T #$@$ING SLEEP BECAUSE IT IS SO @#$%ING UNCOMFORTABLE.

As you can tell, I am about at the end of my rope with this. I am incredibly disappointed that we have a bed that we splurged and paid an exorbitant amount of money for and was supposed to last 20 @#$#ing YEARS and now we’d rather sleep on the flipping couch.

I am also incredibly disappointed that I’m getting such horrible customer service from a company that was out in the social media space before pretty much anyone – a company I use as an example when I’m talking about brands that do twitter right. Or, at least, I used to use as an example.

Writing this post is probably the insomniac’s version of drunk tweeting and I may feel bad about putting this out there in the morning, but I’m at the end of my rope here.

I just want my comfortable bed back.

As I mentioned earlier, Kate is growing up. Despite the fact that I’m not a fan of this, it’s a reality. However, for this generation, there’s a new layer in the coming-of-age drama – cell phones.

Quick, someone tell Judy Blume to write a book about this!

But fortunately, until “R U There (OM)G, itz me Madison” comes out, AT&T has launched a mobile safety campaign to help us navigate these new waters and keep our families connected and our kids safe.

AT&T surveyed 1000 parents and 500 kids ages 8-17 about their families’ use of mobile phones. Here are some of the results.

– The average age of kids getting a smartphone (smartphone!) is 13.8. (I was 31.8, but you know, whatever.)
– 89% of parents are worried about their kids being in a vehicle with someone who is texting and driving, and 53% of kids have actually been in that situation. (I am thoroughly ashamed to admit that my 8 year old tells me to put the phone down when we are in the car.)
– More than 1 in 5 kids have received a mean or bullying text message from another kid on their mobile phone.
– Almost half (46%) have a friend who has received a message or picture that their parents would not have liked because it was too sexual.
– Only 66% of kids say they have rules on their phone usage, but 90% of them say it’s ok for parents to set rules on their phone usage.

AT&T has a website (www.att.com/familysafety) where you can find all the resources you need for dealing with kids and mobile devices – all sorted by age group. One of the best ones I found is a sheet on raising responsible digital citizens. Among other things, it suggests that we:
– Model good behavior. Turn off your mobile phones and electronic devices during dinner or while participating in family activities.
– Pay attention. Know where your kids go online and what they’re doing there.
– Impart your values. Cheating, lying and being cruel online are not acceptable.
– Establish limits. Set clear time or texting limits and time of day restrictions so children know when it’s appropriate to use mobile phones or technology.
– Encourage balance. Support their interest in offline activities that don’t require a gadget or mobile device.
– Make kids accountable. Using digital media is a privilege.

The ball is in our court, people. We’ve got to step up to the plate!

How’s that for a mixed-sports metaphor?

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Disclosure: I’m working with AT&T and The Motherhood to discuss mobile safety issues and have been compensated for my time, in case you were wondering.