Category: Pregnancy

You may recall that Emily is a wee bit obsessed with MTV’s hit reality show 16 and Pregnant.  I’ve only ever seen the Caitlin-and-Tyler-give-their-baby-up-for-adoption episode, which I must admit WAS quite riveting.

But let me tell you about the reality that is too crazy for TV!  Probably because it would make MTV’s audiences scream and run away in terror.  Or make people stop procreating altogether.

33 and pregnant, baby.  I am keeping it REAL.

Real grumpy. Real fat.  Real hairy-legged.  Real WHINY.

When I had Joshua I was 26.  Now I feel like I have aged about 70 years instead of 7!  My feet are killing me, my BELLY hurts, I think I pulled a non-existent stomach muscle hauling Sophie out of the pumpkin patch yesterday, I can neither sit, stand, nor lie down comfortably and oh, the peeing!  The near incontinence!  It’s purty sexy.

It doesn’t help that Jonah is apparently the reincarnation of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal.  He is all party, all the time!  And he is ripping up my insides!

So that’s the reality.  MTV ain’t ready for this jelly!  I’m sure I’d get cancelled after one episode.  Like this morning’s episode, where I decided to remove my month-old leg hair with VEET instead of a razor because SURELY it would be easier, less bloody, and quicker.   Well.  It WAS less bloody.  And my leg hair is GONE!  But burning the hair off your legs is no easier than slicing it off when you’re a gazillion months pregnant, unfortunately.   Unless it’s just me!  Oh, but potential viewers, you’ll never know!  And you’re probably better off that way!

One episode that IS a tragedy to be missed – even though there aren’t any profanity-laden fights with either my parental figures or my baby daddy in store, is the Grande Finale when Emily ties my tubes in the operating room after I give birth!  That is going to be EPIC!

You’ll just have to settle for the blogged version!

So, I had an OB appointment for my 29-week check-up yesterday (HOLLA girls who work at the OB office and read this blog!)  It was the momentous occasion on which I got to down that lovely bottle of “glucola” – you know – fruit-flavored syrup. MMM good. Let me tell you, you have not lived until you’ve chugged glucola (Must! drink! all! in! five! minutes!) in the parking lot of your kid’s preschool.  I swear, other moms dropping off your kids, it was JUST glucola (despite the large tumbler and straw)!

Anyhoo, so I drank the glucola, didn’t barf, and got my blood taken.  But before they took my blood, they took my SOUL. By making me step on the SCALE!

Let’s just say, I’ve gained about a pound a week. Although I do FEEL ginormous, I don’t feel like I LOOK that ginormous.  Am I just in denial?  I’m gonna go with “probably.”  Sigh.

I gained about 40 with my other two kids and I’m hoping to keep it at about that with Jonah.  Because I? HATE EXERCISE.  And that is the only way I can take off the baby weight.  But I’m not exactly Marathon Jones like SOME PEOPLE. So, the less I have to take off the better.

But anyhoo, my next appointment is in two weeks.   I’m on the two-week schedule!  Which means the clock is winding down on this thing!  It’s really happening, and despite my rotund appearance, I feel less than prepared!