It’s a Good Thing Drano is so Darn Effective

Earlier this week Emily regaled us with the tale of how she and her family survived her first day back at work after maternity leave. Little did I know that the next day I also would have a harrowing experience to survive. It did not involve the pain of separation from my child, however, but the pain of being with her at the grocery store. It nearly drove me to suicide. But I am getting ahead of myself.

It all started with my bathroom sink. The stupid thing has been threatening to clog for a couple of weeks now, and wouldn’t you know it finally gets up the nerve to go through with it about five hours after my husband goes out of town for work for the week. Soo, bright and early Tuesday morning, the kids and I got ready to go to CVS to score some Drano, among other things. (As a side note, let me set the scene a little more by saying that I recently got my hair cut and for some reason really felt the need to actually style it and wear it down this particular day. Which I had not done in weeks.) Because we certainly would not want to go somewhere else and PAY for our Drano. That would be nuts!! (And as you will see from this story, I am quite rational.) Sophie behaved fairly well at CVS, until checkout time, when, as usual, she decided to try to climb out of the cart. It doesn’t matter whether I have belted her in the front part, or let her sit in the big part, she always tries to climb out. Most of the seat belts in the carts I can’t seem to tighten enough to cut off the circulation in her legs, therefore they are no match for her will to get the hell out of that cart. So, I ended up having to hold her while I was forking over my coupons and ECBs which was very inconvenient.

We made it out of CVS and even though it was already 4,000 degrees at 10:30 a.m. and my lovely hairstyle was making me sweat like a pig, I decided to also go to Kroger while we were out, because we needed bread and fruit and I also wanted to get a couple of good sale items. Oh, and also because I am CRAZY and apparently like to TORTURE myself. I mean really, if I wasn’t so masochistic what would I blog about?

So we went to Kroger. To add to my psychotic behavior, I decided to get my groceries in two transactions so I could use the coupon I’d be getting back on the first order to help pay for my second order. The first transaction was Kool-aid and peanuts. (LOOK, I will explain that on Super Savings Saturday, I swear there is a method to my madness!) When I got to the checkout, Sophie was in the big part of the cart with Joshua and she had a Kool-Aid packet in each hand. I told the cashier that I had 12 Kool-Aid packets and asked her to scan a couple of the other ones twice so I didn’t have to take the packets out of Sophie’s hands and listen to her scream indignantly while I checked out. She obliged and I paid for my order.

Then, as I wheeled my (very heavy with 60 lbs. of kid in it) cart away, I noticed Sophie’s Kool-Aid packets were not looking so hot. I pulled the cart over to discover she had CHEWED through one and was now a very RED little girl. She didn’t get as much on her face as on her hands and ALL over her dress. So I wrestled the packets away and cleaned her up as best I could with a wipe in the steaming hot parking lot. Then I pushed my very heavy cart back into the store. My cute little hairdo was by this time, not cute at all and just making me sweat more.

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Sophie gets caught red-handed

Back in Kroger, Sophie was extremely indignant that I was daring to do another transaction. The first thing I picked up was a bunch of bananas, then I got bread. As I made my way down the cereal aisle selecting the right kinds of cereal to go with the coupons I had, Sophie began chewing on the bananas. THROUGH THE BAG. By the time I realized what she was doing, she had bitten off the end of one and there was banana all over the inside of the bag. She threw a nice little fuss when I took the bananas away, then went right for the bread. There was nowhere in the cart I could hide the bread from her, so I just carried the bread. She wasn’t very happy about that either! The lines were really long, and of course as soon as we got in one she started trying to climb out of the cart. Sooo, I wrestled her into the seat part and cinched the belt as tight as I could get it. Fortunately, this belt had enough life left in it and I was able to get it tight enough to keep her seated. Unfortunately, it is considered inhumane to muzzle your child, so I and everyone within a 5-lane radius got to hear her scream while I checked out. After getting my sweet deals, my demon, my angel (Joshua – I haven’t mentioned him because he was so good!) and I once again headed to the parking lot, where, after getting the kids and groceries into the car, I collapsed into a pile of sweaty, puffy-haired frustration.

When we got home, I relayed the events of our trip to Emily over IM. (Thank GOD she went back to work and got back on Instant Messenger!! ABOUT TIME!) Then I realized that in my frazzled state I hadn’t yet poured the Drano down the bathroom sink. “I’m going to go put the Drano in the sink,” I IMed her, “and if it doesn’t work, I think I’ll just drink the rest of the bottle!”

Lucky for you, the Drano worked, and I’m still alive. ‘Cause seriously, if I kicked it and Emily had to maintain this blog all by herself? That would be the real tragedy in all of this!

(P.S. if you made it through all that, do me a favor and check out my latest review at Reviewin’ It Up!)

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It’s Not a Party Until Somebody Pukes…

…and that somebody is nearly always my son Joshua, he of the overactive gag reflex. Joshua has puked many, many places, including my car, the mall playplace, a playdate, and my babysitter’s 18th birthday party. Yesterday, he added my brother’s house to the list as he brought the fun to our family’s Memorial Day party. But this time, it was my fault! You see, I decided to let him be a big kid and drink pop like his cousins. So, I gave him a big plastic cup half-full with a mixture of Big Red and Sierra Mist. Joshua rarely ever gets to drink pop (even though I drink it like it’s my JOB – bad Mommy!). Soooo rarely, in fact, that I’d forgotten that the last time I let him be a big kid and drink pop, he threw up. Whoops!

So. A few minutes into lunch, when he came and laid on the couch and said his stomach hurt, I went on high alert. “Sit up, Buddy,” I commanded, “You cannot throw up on Aunt Sarah’s nice couch!”

“I do have to choke,” he said solemnly. (He calls throwing up “choking”.) I grabbed him and ran at super-human speed for the bathroom, where Joshua proceeded to hurl his entire lunch and plastic cup full of Big Red & Sierra Mist into my brother’s toilet. After he was done, he looked up at me, overwhlemed and teary-eyed, but relieved. Poor baby!

Then, suddenly, he made and ungodly sound and puked all over my right foot. Missed the toilet by a mile. And of course I was wearing my Trello sandals. So, open-toed shoes with square holes all over them = a very pukey foot – one that will serve as a nasty reminder next time I think about letting him drink pop!!

Oh, Joshupants, thanks for making our family get-together a real party! Since it was clear at that point that your uncles weren’t going to take their shirts off and shoot at each other in the front yard, we definitely needed some excitement!

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We(e-wee) Wish You a Merry Christmas!

In continuation of our “Ode to SoSo” week, and in honor of the fast-approaching season of Yule, let me spin you a holiday tale. Last Christmas Sophia was a mere five weeks old, so I barely remember the holiday season, but there was one Christmas moment I’ll never forget! A few days before Christmas, my father-in-law and his wife came over to exchange gifts and spend some time with us. No sooner had they arrived when I discovered Sophie had peed though her diaper and had wet clothes. So as Bobby greeted our guests, I headed over to the changing table to change her clothes and diaper. But little Miss Sophiepants decided to throw a wrench into all of our holiday plans. Before I could get her new diaper on her, she peed all over the changing table. I don’t know how it was possible that she had that much pee left in her, but there was so much that she soaked her whole naked body, including her hair! She was basically taking a bath in her own urine. So, I yelled to Bobby for backup and we hustled Sophie to the kitchen and gave her a bath in the sink! It took us 15 or 20 minutes to take care of her and all the mess! After she was clean, dry, diapered, and dressed, we let the Christmas festivities begin. This was my frist clue that Sophie was going to make sure the spotlight was on her in every situation. She was our little (Soggy) Star Of Christmas that night!

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