Mommin' It Up!

December 4, 2013December 4, 2013

Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to get your kid for Christmas, technology edition

Welcome to another holiday edition of Jenny’s Life Klass! Last year, I bossed you around and told you what NOT to get your kids for Christmas, and this year, I’m doin’ it again. (Last year STILL APPLIES in most cases! Better go re-read it!) But with a special emphasis on technology-based presents that YOU SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY FOR YOUR KID! I know this might make some of you mad, but I have decided I can deal with that. I know you’re going to buy whatever you want for the Princes and Princesses you have spawned, but hopefully when you do, you’ll at least know that I am totally judging you. I hope that through this post I can at least put an attractively made-up version of myself on your shoulder as you enter the Walmartz and buy ALL THE INAPPROPRIATE THINGS. So let’s get to it!

Numero uno! The Fisher-Price Newborn-to-Toddler Apptivity™ seat for iPad® device

Uh, umm, uhhhhh…when I first saw this monstrosity I thought it was a joke. After I realized it was NOT a joke, I was rendered speechless. But lucky for you I found my voice! Fisher-Price, I love you, I do. I mean, I have ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE THINGS for my little guy. But really, could you NOT contribute to the zombiefication of our children? Infants and toddlers do NOT need to be strapped into a seat watching a screen! I don’t care if it’s playing Sesame Street, it’s totally unnecessary and WRONG. Little kids need in-ter-ac-tion with actual HUMANS in order to develop properly. So parents, please don’t go purchase this for little Bayleighlynne Arboretum or whatever you weirdos are naming your kids these days. Just because North West and Blue Ivy have one, it doesn’t make it right!!

Which leads me to…this…since Blue Ivy’s really old enough for this shame to humanity now:

CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad

Hey you know what would be awesome? If you could turn your kid’s brain to poop, WHILE HE POOPS! That would be totally BOSS! What, wait? Now you CAN turn your child’s developing brain into excrement while he deuces? Hallelujah! Hooray for technology! Little Chauncey (or whatever hispter name you gave your baby) no longer has to take time out of his busy Angry Birds Star Wars schedule to drop one in the pot. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Side note: the warranty on this thing actually states that you can be reported to Child Protective Services just for buying it. Purchase at your own risk, knuckleheads! (Just kidding, it doesn’t say that. Don’t sue me. But seriously, quit making crap like this.)

And finally, and here’s where you all start to hate me, but it’s cool:

Apple iPod Touch

Guess what, y’all? This is a great gift for your teenager. It is the dumbest gift EVER for your six-year-old, or even nine-year-old. I know, I know, all your kids already have one. Sorry to poop on the party. If you are one of the few, the proud, the parents who don’t bestow expensive $250 electronics on their first-graders, CONGRATS! You get an A+! If you are on the fence: do me a favor and DON’T GO THERE. Your elementary school-aged child is *probably* not so into music that he or she needs a few hundred of his favorite songs in one place. And he or she DEFINITELY does not need a portable device with an internet connection. Hello, safety anyone? They don’t need a Facebook or an Instagram, either. And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, 3rd graders do NOT need to Face Time with their friends!!

Yes, I realize these devices can be used for good purposes…I let my big kids use my iPad regularly. To play games, do math homework, study for spelling tests – absolutely. We used the HECK out of my iPad to help Sophie with her speech therapy and we will do so with Jonah when he is old enough.

(And for the record I will say iPads are better for kids, but I still think it’s wisest for the parent to be the owner. I know there are some kids who will make a great exception to this rule. None of these children are mine. They would destroy it if it were theirs.)

But using an iPod to message friends (or *eek* who knows who??) via Facebook, FaceTime, iMessage, or any other app available? Hay-ell no! It’s just not safe OR a good use of their time. Again, I am talking about elementary-age students.

Additionally, an iPod Touch is expensive and easy to lose or break. REALLY easy – and not cheap to replace. It’s too tiny and pricey for a small child to be responsible for. With the way Sophie treats the used Nintendo DS we got her on Craigslist, I SHUDDER to think of what she’d do to an iPod Touch.

So there ya go people, don’t buy your babies and primary school kids digital toys this Christmas…buy them ACTUAL TOYS.

Or I will personally send Rudolph to take a dump in your stocking!

Happy Holidays!

October 13, 2013October 14, 2013

{NickMom inspired} What Your Pins Say About You

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It’s been awhile since I’ve bossed the world around and told you how to live your lives, and I’m sure you’ve missed it. I mean, crap, you guys are probably all naming your kids Dest’n’ee and going pantless to the grocery store without me to tell you what to do. I should really stop being so selfish and get back to performing my civic responsibilities! But dangit, sometimes my life isn’t all that funny. Last week it was all angry, angry, ANGRY snotty toddler and sleepless nights. Not humorous. So, sometimes I have to turn elsewhere to tickle my funny bone and stir up my inner snark. Awhile back, I heard about the site NickMom from Nickelodeon and it’s a place I go to from time to time when I need a good laugh. My latest favorite? This hilarious infographic post “What does your snack offering say about you?”

Because REALLY. The genius cartoonist and NickMom.com revealed something to me. Some of you put too much effort into snack time. And based on the snack idea pins some of you are pinning on Pinterest, you also have way too much free time.

But I’m betting others of you, like me, are totally phoning snack time. And to you I say, “ROCK ON! Ain’t nobody got time for Bento boxes!” Here’s a sampling of the snack offerings currently available to my children.

Yes – those are Cheez-Its made with WHOLE GRAIN. Health food, people!

I like these snack offerings not for their pinnability but rather for their ability to make my kids quit asking for food and sit in blissful silence for a few minutes while they eat. Hmm, now what does that say about me? I think the folks at NickMom would probably say it says that I like to hide in the bathroom watching Netflix while my kids are eating their after-school snack. But they’d be TOTALLY WRONG. I actually watch Hulu Plus during that time. So there.

Just to prove that not all moms are complete snack slackers comme moi (that’s French! Deal with it, ‘merica!), I did a little Pinterest perusing to find snack ideas that many of you cray-crays are pinning – and that some Senior Cray-Cray in Charge of Facilitating Mommy Nervous Breakdowns has actually created – and decided to dole out my own judgments on what your snack idea pins say about you. Annnnd here we go!

Snowman Cheese Sticks. If you pinned this snack, what does this say about you? It says you *might* have too much flippin’ time on your hands, lady. You’re going to take a sharpie and draw faces, buttons, coal eyes on a cheese stick? You’re going to change marker colors for a carrot nose? THEN you’re going to tie a ribbon scarf on each little faux cheesestick neck? AND painstakingly cut out a dozen little black construction paper hats to affix with some sort of adhesive onto their faux cheese heads? REALLY? If you pinned this and are even considering making this cutesy snack into a reality, YOU NEED TO GET A HOBBY. I suggest you choose a hobby that does some good for some people. Please, please, please volunteer for a charity instead of using your free time to decorate snack items that are only going to be digested and turned into excrement. MMkay?

A Very Hungry Caterpillar snack. Aww, that’s so sweet! You want to make your kids a snack based on their favorite beloved children’s book! You know what that says about you? It says you love them very much. And also? It says you’re not going to be prepared for the psychological collapse they’re going to have when they enter the real world and realize that an apple is just an apple! Look, mama, life isn’t Disneyland, and snacks aren’t magical. Don’t deny your child the simple pleasure of loving food for its taste. Besides you’re setting a dangerous precedent here. If you continue in this vein you’re gonna be up past midnight making Harry Potter-themed school lunches every darn day for the next twelve years. IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE! Turn back!

Super-disturbing feeding chickens egg-and-pepper snack. Ummm. If you pinned this, or – God forbid – presented this to your children to eat? What does this say about you? I will tell you what this says about you. It says we can never be friends. If we haven’t met yet, don’t bother. Because you are already dead to me. If you think hard-boiling chicken embryos and using vegetables to make them look like actual chickens who are themselves eating is a good idea, we cannot co-exist. And also? It says you should check yourself into the nearest psychiatric facility to get some R&R and maybe take a class or two on things that are actually important!

Allright mamas, I’m done berating you and your over-zealous snack idea pinning (for now). If you’re stuck in a rut pinning All The Unreasonable Yet Adorable Snack Ideas, I suggest you close that tab on your browser and open a new one and click over to NickMom for a few laughs and hopefully a reality check! For even more funnies, you can find NickMom on Twitter and Facebook, too.

What kind of snacks do you give your kids? Just plain food, or do you dress it up a little?

May 13, 2013May 13, 2013

She’s a MAN, baby!

Happy day-after-Mother’s Day! Has reality set in at your house, too? If you’re like me, you did absolutely zero housework yesterday because it was Mother’s Day. Which means today, your house may look like this:

Just a big frightening mess with a vase of roses on the table. Everybody together now…SIGH.

But anyway. Despite the morning-after blues, my Mother’s Day was pretty great. We got a new bed/mattress which I am hoping will solve my back problems (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease) and Joshua made me a candy dish which I love – my first kid-made pottery!

Throw a couple handfuls of Starburst in there and this is the gift of my dreams

Sophie made me some cards and pictures at school. This was my favorite.

sophie mom day — Note to self: Sophie’s love can be bought with baked goods.

(Although it makes me sad that she thinks my favorite thing is to work on my computer. But oh well. The kids never really see me doing anything fun by myself.)

And on Sunday morning, while I slept until a blissful 8:30, the big kids made me additional cards. With one thing in common.

joshua mom day — Joshua really phoned this one in. He can do much better!

sophie mom day 2 — Good effort Sophie! Although it appears I am not wearing clothes and Bobby is wearing a burlap sack.

So what did a vain person like me immediately notice about these darling portraits my children drew? Let’s take a closer look!

Hmm…I don’t know…how about the fact THAT I HAVE A FULL BEARD in both pictures?

When confronted, both children exclaimed defensively that the beard in question was my long hair going down my back behind my head.

Mm-hmm.

Something must be done. I am the most manly figure in both of my kids’ family portraits! I need to either get a hair cut or a shave. What’s your pick?

P.S. Jonah is my favorite child because he can’t draw a picture of me yet.