Mommin' It Up!

September 2, 2014September 2, 2014

10 Hilarious Parenting Quotes From Famous People

The other day I was pondering parent witticisms and trying to remember a funny Erma Bombeck quote I’d once read. This pondering soon led me down the rabbit hole that is an internet search for funny parenting quotes. Thankfully, it was a really funny rabbit hole that was good for my mom soul. Here are 10 of the funniest quotes I found – I WISH I could’ve said these better myself, but alas, these people are funnier than me. In some cases, I’ve added my own commentary in bold. Enjoy!

“When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” – Erma Bombeck

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.” – Erma Bombeck (I really wish I could high-five Erma for this one!)

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” – Bill Cosby (I’m totes adding that to my list of child-naming rules, Bill!)

“In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck – and, of course, courage.” – Bill Cosby

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano (Ermgersh. Just call my house Pi Sigma Crappa.)

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next sixteen years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos (That you will never, ever be able to find anything in.)

“Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.” – Ogden Nash

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld (Or an off button.)

and finally…

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” – Ed Asner (In that case I really, really, need a bulletproof vest!)

So, those are some of my favorite funny quotes inspired by the insanity that is raising children. Do you have any favorite quotes? I’d love to hear them in the comments!

August 28, 2014August 28, 2014

He Really Knows How to Pick ‘Em

So now that the cat’s out of the bag about my new job, I have to tell you the story of how I met my boss, whom I shall call…Brian (mostly because that’s his actual name).

I actually worked for Brian for a few months before I met him in person, but we kinda-sorta has some connections because he and his wife went to high school with my brother and I went to high school with his sister (and his wife and I are Facebook friends so basically we are bests – HEY JENNA!) and we connected via Facebook, email, phone calls, Google Hangouts, and all the great internetty ways by which you get to know (and hire) a complete stranger without being in the same physical space. Speaking of which, we also go to the same church, but due to the fact that there are three services…we’ve never actually seen each other there. Ha.

Anyway! This year Brian’s kids are going to my kids’ school for the first time and we both have boys who are in 5th grade so at meet-the-teacher night we finally met in person. (Do people still DO that? Weird.) As luck would have it, one of Brian’s sons is in Joshua’s class [so the chances for my potential embarrassment go beyond this blog post] and their lockers are right next to each other. Like all good amazingly awkward introductions, we made ours by the middle school lockers. (Which actually sets the stage rather well for what happened next, as it turns out. And also? I LOVE PARENTHESES!) I introduced him to Bobby, Sophie, and Joshua, and our boys met each other, too. And then Brian directed his attention to one Jonah Rapson. I mean, after all, who could resist Jonah’s adorable 3-year-old charms?

(Take note: you might want to resist should you ever be in danger of succumbing to said charms.)

I can’t remember what words were exchanged but I do know I had Jonah say hello in a super-polite manner that would showcase not only his speech therapy progress but also my superb mothering skills. And then Brian started to extend his hand to shake Jonah’s darling, tiny, three-year-old hand, because oh em gee, three-year-old handshakes are ADORABLE, no?

SO here’s the part where what transpired next happened in that super slow-motion thing where I could see what was going to happen but I could in no way stop it and and I was like “nooooooooooooooooo!!” but it was too late.

For neither Brian nor I saw that as we were exchanging pleasantries, Jonah had inserted his right index finger into his nostril. BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DID. I saw him take it out seconds before…he shook my new boss’ hand. And though my inner monologue was letting out a strangled cry, all I could do was cringe in mombarrassment.

the perfect pick — Jonah is demonstrating the super-sneaky method by which you can go from pick to shake in under a second. I said “Jonah can you pick your nose?” and he was happy to oblige.

To his credit, Brian saw what was happening and went through with the handshake. (And presumably then went through an entire bottle of hand sanitizer.)

The really funny thing is, Jonah isn’t much of a nose picker. I mean, it’s not something I really have to scold him for or deal with often. So he picked (see what I did there) an especially momentous occasion to try it out. I guess Brian is just that lucky.

Oh that third child, you gotta watch that one. I MEAN MY PRIDE! MY FIRST IMPRESSION!

Just kidding. It’s so bloggable, it makes it totally worth it.

At least on my end. Sorry Brian! And, nice to meet you?

June 28, 2014

I used to have great self esteem. Then I had kids.

The other day I was ~~stalking~~ perusing my new BFF Steph’s blog, A Grande Life, and she had this cute little link-up post full of cool graphics with funny things her kids said. And I was all, “Aww, I wanna link up to that but I can’t think of any zingers my kids have said lately.”

As it turns out, those were famous last thoughts. In just a couple hours, this darling thing had given me a couple of her thoughts that made me re-consider my normally unshakable self-esteem.

We went to the pool last night after dinner, and Bobby met us there after work. By the time we got home and got everyone dried off and in PJs, I was so tired I was about to drop. (And it’s a good thing I went to bed at 9:30 like any good elderly person would, because Jonah woke me up at 11:45 saying he had to pee. Hmph.) So as I was telling Sophie it was bedtime, I said, “We gotta get you to bed. Mommy’s tired.” To which she responded with great emphasis and honesty: “Yeah, I can tell.”

Womp-womp.

Then, 10 minutes later as I was tucking her in, she presented me with her precious teddy bear and the zinger, “Mom, Teddy’s gonna call you ‘Grandma’ since I’m his mom.” Then she made Teddy do a little dance while she sang “Grandma Grandma GRANDMA” over and over again.

Right, well. Can’t wait til that sponsored campaign for adult diapers comes along, because apparently I’m on the slipperly slope to my Golden Years.

What crazy things have your kids said lately? For more hum-dingers, check out “Kids Say the Darndest Things” at A Grande Life!