Category: Jenny thinks she’s funny

I always knew hanging out with Emily could very possibly lead to a serious moral breakdown in my life, but dangit after 37 years of sailing through with my conscience intact, I got a little cocky.

So when Emily and her husband invited me and my husband to an all-expenses-paid evening (ok, fine we split the babysitter) at Emily’s university of employment’s family weekend entertainment – actor Aziz Ansari’s standup bit, I was all “Fish yeah! Double date with the Berry’s WOOHOOOO!!!”. Bobby and I were excited for a cousin’s night out. All I knew about Aziz is that he is on Parks & Rec which is a fun show. I didn’t google his standup routine or anything because I wanted to be surprised.

I was surprised all right. This screenshot from Emily’s Facebook should kind of let you know how the evening went:

But let me clear something up: it wasn’t Aziz’s fault. By the time he got on stage, my innocence had been shattered as Emily so accurately put it, into a million ever-loving pieces, about 8 minutes prior, during the very 2nd sentence out of the opening act comedian’s mouth.

I can’t remember his name and I am not going to look it up because I don’t want you to google him and subject yourself to his brand of debauchery. Apparently, though, he’s got a Netflix special. Which makes me reconsider my love of Netflix, but anyhoo.

Here’s what he opened with: “What is it here, Mother-Daughter Weekend? Oh, it’s Family Weekend?” (Aside, this means a couple thousand college students were sitting there WITH THEIR PARENTS. You need to know that because…) and then he said, “Well, then you’re probably not gonna like it when I start telling d**k jokes about your grandma.”

While my jaw was still on the floor, he then proceeded to tell several of those “jokes” about my grandma, he made it very clear that it was indeed my grandma, or since Emily and I were together, our grandma he was speaking about (and also, he was talking about your grandma, too, so stop looking so smug.)

Somewhere during the course of this terrible diatribe, Mr. Hilarious also mentioned that both of his parents are deaf. I shark you not, my first thought was, “Thank God his mother is deaf. I hope she doesn’t have closed captioning on her Netflix.”

By the time Aziz got onstage, I wished I had been hearing impaired for this guy’s bit.  And I am sure those thousands of college students really enjoyed sitting there with their mom and dad while everyone’s new fave comedian filled them in on Grandma’s past. Yeeikes!

Aziz had his moments too, but I was already so scarred for life I barely noticed them. He had some really funny bits and was only like 20% vile, so basically he was like the Eagle Scout of the evening.

The moral of the story is: when planning Family Weekend entertainment, google the opening act.

Emily’s big defense when I accused her of contributing the the delinquency of a 37-year-old mother of three was, “Whatever. You’re the one who made me go see Austin Powers.”

You guys. This dude made Austin Powers look like Laura Ingalls Wilder.

So basically: never go anywhere with Emily. Unless she’s paying. Because it’ll probably be worth it for the blog fodder.

*Updated with proof-of-humiliation link at bottom*

Let me tell you, friends, at age 37 my vanity still runs rampant. I like to have my face on. I do my makeup every morning before taking my son to 7:30 preschool. I’m so vain, I probably think this blog post is about me.

Perhaps the Lord thought I needed a lesson in this matter. I don’t know. But I can really think of NO other reason that a news van would pull up in front of my house at 6:30 on a damp fall Thursday night when I was out with my kids (and their friends who were sleeping over – we’re off school today) when I had my hair in a messy bun, had not even ONCE had lipstick on that day, and for some reason my trusty eyeliner that stays on really well? Had been down around my chin for some time.

I mean, I will tell you, I AM NEVER outside playing with the kids at 6:30 on a weeknight, much less a slightly chilly, wet weeknight. So I guess it was fate when the news van with a statuesque reporter and bearded hipster camera man pulled up to the ONE house where someone was actually OUTSIDE in the city of Dayton.

The reporter explained to me that the City of Dayton had announced it didn’t have much salt for the coming winter and basically we are going to be trapped in our homes all winter and may have to eat each other to survive (maybe I made up that last part.) I declined to be interviewed because I LOOKED A MESS!!!! I explained to her that me not having my makeup and hair done was a MUCH bigger crisis than the whole SALTGATE but she begged and blinked her Barbie-like eyes and while I was thinking “I wonder if those eyelashes are real?” I accidentally said YES.

And then the cheers of four excited children erupted. Joshua and Sophie and their friends Chris and Chloe where FREAKING OUT behind me. So, so excited that OH MY GOSH THE NEWS! IS HERE! IN OUR YARD! WE ARE GOING TO BE ON TV!

SO I answered questions about SALTGATE. Then I pushed Jonah on the swing so they could take footage while the kids acted like circus performers behind me. And then Miss Ohio Reporter 2014 and LEGO Hipster Camera Guy left. And the kids still jumped around hysterically for another 10 minutes about their IMPENDING FAME while I commiserated with a party of one about my impending SHAME. Sigh.

Of course we let them stay up until 10 to watch the news…which started out with “Well Ebola was in Ohio, but first, THE  BIG STORY!”

SALTGATE was the BIG STORY.

WE were the BIG STORY.

My makeup-less face on a brutally large screen was THE BIG STORY.

But in our house, the real big story was four crazy, excited, adorable, cartwheel-turning, ninja-moving kids who were acting like crazy people on camera, and who had like the BEST NIGHT EVER. Bobby and I DIED laughing at their antics, and they were FLYING HIGH after we watched it.

So, I guess my embarrassment was worth it.

BUT.

I’m thinking about getting eyeliner permanently tattooed on my face. That’s probably necessary, right??

(When I first posted this the link to this stellar piece of journalism was not online, but now, here it is, for your viewing pleasure: riiiight here).

 

So the other day I came across this internet gold: 34 Hilarious Photos of Kids Losing it Over Nothing. You should check it out because it’s hysterical! But as soon as I posted it and shared it with all my friends…Jonah began to adapt his behavior to fit the meme AND IT’S NOT AS FUNNY WHEN YOU’RE LIVING IT!

Yesterday when I picked him up from Sunday School, the teacher was all, “He’s so sweet! He’s so good! I bet you just smile at him all day!” And I was like “Aww, I’m so glad you enjoyed him.”

Fast forward to one hour later when he threw a giant fit at lunch because…

Then he had a pleasant afternoon with my brother and SIL at Aunt Bethie’s house of fun while we were at a wedding, but 12 seconds after we walked in the door to our house, he was all writhing like a psycho on the kitchen floor because…

So basically, I have a #threenager on my hands. I hope he has a better day today…but if he doesn’t…I will make sure to take and caption photographs of his meltdowns for your viewing pleasure. I’m just that giving.