Category: Jenny is neurotic

“How’s your brain?” a friend asked me this weekend. Meaning, to ask, of course, if I was still losing my ever-loving mind.

“Eh. I have good days and bad days.” I replied.

Which is true, but it’s not quite that simple. Some days I have really good days, and some days I have really bad days, and some days, I am just not quite right. Some days it is my mental health that needs a tune-up, and other days my hormones still torture me physically.

I am working on it. I have medication, I have routine doctor’s appointments, and now, after a good talk with the aforementioned friend, I have some social and activity-related goals I am going to set for myself. To be proactive, and perhaps, help my body chemistry along a bit.

But the truth is I am tired. Tired of trying to get better, tired of waiting to get better, tired of not being better. Tired of feeling totally awesome for a couple of days and then the crushing disappointment of feeling the opposite of awesome the next day.

And sometimes, I am afraid. Afraid that this will be the rest of my life. Afraid that I will end up laying in the middle of my lawn speaking jibberish and wearing my underwear on my head. Afraid that if I post about being crazy I will not be invited to cool mommy blogger events or win friends and influence people (hey I never said my fears were rational.)

What will I learn from this…period in my life? I want to know it, this lesson, I want to have learned it, earned it, put it into practice. I want to tuck it into my back pocket and say, “Oh, I am so glad I had that experience because it made me a better person.”

The Bible says we are to count our trials as joys. Because they build faith, and character. It also says they that wait on the Lord will soar like eagles. And soaring instead of muddling sounds lovely right now, and I want to do it. So I wait. And I remember, in my saner moments, in the quiet, in the stillness, that it is enough that God knows. He knows the number of my days, which ones will be a battle and which ones will be full of effortless joy. He knows these things that it is not time for me to know yet, and for that I am so thankful. It is unknown to me but it is not unknown.

It is enough.

You are welcome, enjoy having that song in your head for the rest of the day!

But seriously. I’ve always been a cry baby, which is why I ascribe to putting a daily coat of waterproof mascara on top of my regular mascara. Because sadly, you never know when I am just gonna burst into tears.

As you may imagine, over the past few months with hormones and trying to get medication figured out, my tendency to weep at the drop of the hat has been a *little* exacerbated. Like, the other night, at the Yanni Voices concert, for some odd reason I started thinking about when Joshua and Kate were infants, and a couple of times I babysat Kate soon after Em went back to work. Having two infants that were 8 weeks apart all day was a little nuts but I really LOVED spending that time with both of them. I remembered when Joshua was napping how I’d enjoyed getting to know Baby Kate, laying her on my tummy and cooing at her. And in that moment, in an arena with thousands of people, with some Venezuelan guy in tight, shiny pants singing his heart out, I got a little teary. About spending time with my baby cousin. FIVE YEARS AGO.

Just about anything will make me tear up these days – someone being kind, someone being mean, a book, a song, a prayer and geez I can hardly read all the great blog posts that some people are writing these days for fear of DROWNING myself. And I do not watch television commercials. That’s like walking through an emotional mine field for crying out loud!

So anyways, I’m still an emotional basket case, but in a much less crazy way than I was {pauses to blow nose and wipe away a tear}. But tell me I’m not alone. What sends your tear ducts into a tizzy?

I can’t put coherent thoughts together presently, so here is a list of some of the random stuff knocking around my brain:

1) The “How I Met Your Mother” season finale was a big disappointment. I wish they would have thrown in a Robin Sparkles video for funzies.

2) My husband is totally cute and also the best guy ever. He has totally held us together during my intermittent vacations to crazy town.

3) I want EVERYTHING from the sale section at Shade Clothing. I have major t-shirt lust.

4) You can go win my pants at Blissful Style. You will also have a chance to win them next week here on Mommin’ It Up!

5) Sophie “reading” Moo, Baa, La La La is pretty much the cutest thing ever and I hope to get it on video for you soon!

6) Emily is almost 30 and even though I know she will never be as old as me (although she acts like a total geezer) I am very glad that she will soon have a “3” in front of her age. Mu-ha-ha-HWAH-HA-HA!

7) Tonight, we’re going to party like it’s 1999.

8 ) My husband has started tweeting. He’s @rapson2000. Follow him!

9) I am now the proud owner of a PILL SPLITTER. So, maybe I am the geezer here. Yikes.

10) I have Kelly Clarkson’s “Without You” in my head and I love that song and I really need that CD!

That is all. DISCUSS below!! 🙂