Mommin' It Up!

June 24, 2010

Rubbed Raw

It is late, and I am tired. And discouraged. And I kind of hate myself.

As I write this, it is Tuesday. The day I published this post. About the wonder of motherhood.

And of course it was a terrible day with my kids.

The morning was more potty training, a very cranky Sophie, some missed opportunities by me to teach her. Discouragement. At one point I yelled at her so loud to be heard over her yelling that pain instantly shot through my throat and instead of scolding her, I launched into a coughing fit.

In the afternoon I had made arrangements for Joshua to have a fun time with his Aunt Bethie and cousin James. Special for Joshua, who has basically been prisoner in this house the past ten days due to potty training. And I needed to have some alone time with Sophie do work on potty. Because some of the missed opportunities I have with her, are because I am tending to my other child.

But not much was accomplished during our time together. Then finally at 3, I put her down for a nap, because she was exhausted and cranky and I needed a break. She went right to sleep. PERHAPS because she had gotten up at 6 am with wet pants. She used to sleep til 7:30 before potty hell began.

Then my nephew James came home with Joshua. MORE special fun for Joshua. He was thrilled.

Until James left and daddy wasn’t coming home before bedtime because he had to fix his car, and then he threw a huge crying fit, and I lost it. And of course right before this, Sophie peed her pants. Good times.

I marched him up to bed. I threatened him. He calmed down. I read him his chapter of Chronicles of Narnia and I cried the whole time. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was sad because he had thrown a fit, and Sophie had peed her pants. Then I finished reading and cried some more. Then when it was time to pray, and I asked him what he was thankful for, he said, “Daddy, James, and Lucas.” His dad, his cousin, his friend. That’s it.

I tucked him in and went to get Sophie for bed. She was less than cooperative. I let her nap too long and now she’s up in her room running around at 10 pm and I’m starving because I haven’t been to the grocery because I’ve been chained to this house POTTY TRAINING and there’s not much to eat and I’m not going to cook a meal for myself at 10 pm especially when there is no husband to help me eat it.

I would like, for a week, for someone competent to come in and take over my life, put it in order for me, and then I’ll come back, and maybe by some miracle, someone will have missed me.

But at this point, vacation and appreciation seem pretty far off.

June 21, 2010June 21, 2010

The Simmering Brew

This past week of intense potty training with Sophie has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Which, REALLY, means I need to suck it up and get some real problems. But it has honestly and undeniably been a time when I have felt frustration, anger, and worthlessness like no other.

My feelings over the larger situation have led me to be completely intolerate of the little things: a loudly buzzing fly in the kitchen, people driving like idiots, and ummm, washing a DIAPER in my brand new washing machine with the latest of the innumerable loads of pee-pee laundry.

So this past week what I’ve become is a shrew, a hag, who snaps at her children for everything, curses herself at each clumsy mishap, and seethes with anger 24 hours a day.

This isn’t who or how I want to be.

Why can’t I do this thing? Why can’t I make my very bright three-and-a-half year old use the FREAKING POTTY? What the %#!& is wrong with me?

And why can’t I do it, or not do it, without completely losing my shizzle?

_______

Photo by markybon on flickr

March 5, 2010

A Little Less Crazy, A Lot More Bald

If you’re not still to scared from the unbridled anger Emily released a few days ago in her rant about birth control pills, allow me to add a wee update about my journey with these things.

As you may remember, I started taking them a year ago, hoping to balance out my super-crazy hormones, which were causing headaches, acne, and (in my opinion) sleeping problems.

They cured my acne but they made me batsh** crazy and depressed. So I tried another kind, and another kind, and then anti-depressants on top of that. Then another kind of anti-depressant after a few months. I had a sleep study which came back negative, increasing my suspicions that hormones are at the root of my sleeping problems.

Because my sleeping problems are the main issue at this point, I asked my doctor last month if she could test them. She said I would have to be off the birth control pill for at least 30 days before she could do that. So I stopped taking it. My next appointment is near the end of April and I wanted to make sure my hormones were good and natural by then.

And I feel about 90% less crazy. Even with the anti-depressant, I was having very low moods before my period, and times of anxiety. And this month, I have had none of that!! I am still taking the anti-depressant, but it is amazing how different I feel now that I have stopped taking the pill. A couple more months of this, and I may be able to stop taking my A-D.

(Of course if my giant ZITS come back, I may get depressed all over again.)

Also, since I stopped taking the pill, my hair is falling out like CRAZY, just like it did for a few months after I gave birth. Fortunately, I have tons of hair, so I am not too worried about it (I wish the gray ones would fall out! Or some of my excess eyebrow!) but I find that to be rather odd and just another sign that hormones are FRAPPING WEIRD and they do CRAZY things to us lady people. (Check back with me in a month. If the hair loss speeds up and my zits come back, I am gonna be really fugly, and really depressed!! Nothing cuter than a bald, acne-covered 32-year-old woman.)

So, I am a little less crazy, which feels awesome. And a lot more bald, which at this point, is still ok. And also, a little bit more hopeful that one day I’ll be back to me.