Category: Emily thinks she’s funny

I love Pinterest. Really, I do. I even love the things on my “Things I am Never Going to Do” board. But there is little that annoys me more than the “inspirational” quote nonsense that has just about taken over the site. The only thing they inspire me to do is punch my computer screen in the neck.

The worst offenders? The people who spend a lot of time and effort and positive thoughts on creating Pins that have a lovely (barf) sentiment but poor grammar.

I certainly hope that person has lost his fear of being wrong. Or perhaps he “loost” it.

Let’s actually begin by understanding the concept of a contraction. If it used to be two words, it requires an apostrophe. Now that you’ve got that one down, feel free to go on and let go.

You got it right the first time, lady! If you’re using the same word in the same capacity, it should be spelled the same way both times.

Um, wow. It’s like they didn’t really have room for the apostrophe but they couldn’t bear to leave it out.

I have no words for this one. Well wait, yes I do. Does “Go’s” even LOOK right? That’s not a WORD. And now it’s on your rib cage forever.

Just remember, people:

As some of you may have noticed, we’re approaching the most wonderful time of the year (not really) – MLB playoffs. The Reds are totally in (woot!) and the Cardinals are maybe possibly going to be in too, so my husband – die-hard fan that he is – wanted to be prepared and to display his support of his favorite player, Alan Craig. So, of course, he turned to the interwebs and upon googling “Alan Craig jerseys” came up with an amazing site – cheapjerseys.us. Not only did they have the jersey – the normally-$100+ item was on sale for $20! And only $20 (?!?) for shipping! A better deal there had never been. I mean, they even offer TWO discounts!

And I quote:

Discount 1: Orders Over 20 Items will have 5% off, Over 60 Items will have 8% off, Over 100 Items will have 10% off. It will be auto discount by website.

Discount 2: Accept Credit Card Payment, If Credit Card Can Not Pay Success, Please Pay Western Union, And Pay western union will be discounted 10% off.

Cheap China Wholesaler!

So what the hell, let’s order four of them for the low low price of $108.36.

Except when he tried to actually make the order, the online checkout didn’t work. Shocker. So he calls in the reserves – me. Clearly this was a scam. So what do I do? Give the people our credit card number! Why, I don’t know. The transaction didn’t go through, thank goodness, but we had gotten far enough for the cheapjersey.us people to see that it was attempted, which kicked in their “customer service.”

First, “Sally” sent a note…

Just checking your email , You should receive an order confirmation email after submit this order. When we received the money, we’ll send your order in same day, and send the tracking number to you by email, if something of your order is out of stock, we will send email to you also, so please check your email before get the tracking number everyday.

No response from the morons in Ohio, so “Sally” tried again.

Dear friend,
WESTERNUNION ENGLISH: http://www.westernunion.com

Sender Name
First name: Qiaofang
Last name: Wu
Address: Putian , Fujian Province , China
Postcode: 351100
Total amount is $71 (this is after 10% discount.)
Please tell me follow informations below when you pay it!
1>.MTCN (Western Union Control Number)
2>.Sender name (First Name, Last Name) .
3>.Money amount

Thank you very much,
Linda

Linda? I thought it was Sally! And who is Qiaofang Wu?

That did work either, so they called in Jane.

Dear,
Thanks for your order
Your payment is check by bank, please do not pay again, several hours we will know the status of this payment. if do not pay sucess we will send you email
Hope longer busienss with you
yours,
jane

Not long after Jane’s email, Andy went to pick up a pizza – only to have his credit card declined. Sure it was a mistake, he tried it again at the Redbox machine. DECLINED. He called the bank and someone – Jane or Sally had charged $20 at a fast food restaurant in Boston and then sent the number over to Qiaofang Wu, who used it to charge $200 worth of groceries in New Mexico. Fortunately our bank caught it, and the jig was up.

However, it just goes to show – if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Because women don’t feel bad enough about all the things they’re not doing already, someone had to go and invent Pinterest.

Thanks a lot, jackwagons.

Now, you know I love me some Pinterest. We have a whole carnival dedicated to it, for the love. I really do find it useful as a way to get ideas and to organize links.

But. It’s also a fabulous way for me to be fully aware of my failures and shortcomings. So, to make myself feel better, I started a new pin board called “Things I’m never going to do.” And really people – be honest – do 90% of the things you pin not REALLY belong on a board like this? I thought so. It’s not that they’re not lovely ideas that will ensure my kids end up smart and creative, make me drop 5 pounds by noon, or turn my house into an organized oasis of calm. They totally are. It’s just – I’m never going to do them.

Here are a few things that made the list.

Make your own Chick Fil-A sandwich!

Who doesn’t love a Chick Fil-A sandwich? But for real – making them at home in 49 easy steps? No thanks. That’s why God invented drive-thrus. And while you’re there, pick up a banana pudding milk shake. You can thank me later.

Next up, packing school lunches that look like something other than food.

I can only imagine the excitement a third grader feels upon opening his lunchbox and finding a (healthy, I might add) replica of his favorite game that his mom lets him play on her iPhone when she needs a moment’s peace and quiet. But seriously – it is all. I. Can. Do. to get Kate’s lunch packed in the first place. In fact, there have been mornings that I have pleaded “Can’t you just buy your (high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden-better-moms-wouldn’t-feed-to-their-dogs) lunch at school?” I feel like mom of the freaking year when I remember to write a little note on Kate’s napkin. Odds of me making Phineas and Ferb likenesses out of turkey are not good.

And then there are the home improvement projects. Remodel your kitchen using only toothpicks and chewing gum! Crochet your own ziploc bags! Whittle your own dining room table!

Turn a trampoline into a… I don’t know… thing that looks pretty but is bound to result in broken bones!

People. Come on. Let’s be serious.

It’s time to lower our standards. And Pinterest is really not helping.

Also – the inspirational quotes? Piss me off. But that’s a whole other post.