Category: Emily thinks she’s funny

I am getting grumpy in my old age, and one of the things that drives me insane is the stupid words/phrases that we hear all. the. time. on Facebook, Twitter, whatever.

I have decided to compile a list to make it convenient for all of you to NEVER USE THEM AGAIN.

Now, I’m not throwing stones – I’m guilty myself. I’m sure I’ve committed more than one of these atrocities in the past 24 hours. But, with dedication and perseverance, we can change.

Without further ado, I bring you…

WORDS THAT SHOULD BE ERADICATED FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

1. YOLO. I think that ridiculous acronym (which stands for you only live once, for those of you lucky enough to avoid that phrase until this point) is from a song, but I don’t really know. And before you tell me, I don’t WANT to know what song it is. Because it would probably get stuck in my head and then I’d have to end it all and it might be hard for my kids to understand why I killed myself over a song (but then they’d listen to it and be like, “oh, now I get it.”). ANYWAY. YOLO is a justification for doing stupid shit you know you shouldn’t be doing – and a poor justification at that. Also? I consider it to be prudent never to use words I’ve seen airbrushed onto men’s tank tops.

Now that’s a life policy I encourage you to adopt.

2. Mind.Blown. Really? Your mind is blown? That would explain why you chose to use a dumb phrase like that.

3. Periods.After.Every.Word. Now, I warned you that I was a perpetrator of some of this annoying shark, and what do you know, I used this one at the beginning of this post! But I annoyed myself when I did it.

4. That moment… I don’t know where that phrase came from or what started it – and, let’s be clear, I do not want to know – but that moment when I read “that moment…” on someone’s facebook status is when I want to punch my iPhone in the throat.

5. It is what it is. Really? WTF does that even mean? Actually, I’ll tell you what it means – nothing. It means nothing. It is not helpful advice, and it does not make me feel better – because even if it is what it is, “it” can still suck.

6. Foodie. One question – could you BE any more pretentious? I didn’t think so.

7. Selfie. This is actually the word that inspired this whole post. Selfie. An obnoxious word for an even more obnoxious activity. The only thing that would be better than getting rid of that word is to never have to see one ever again. What genius at Apple thought to him/herself, “Let’s see.. how can we make Americans even more self-absorbed than they already are? How could we make them MORE egocentric? Wait, I know – we’ll take something that’s supposed to focus outward – a freaking camera lens – and make it so they can point it at themselves! That way we can totally reinforce the idea that they ARE actually the center of the universe! Yay, narcissism!” Cue millions of dollars spent and thousands of hours wasted trying to Instagram the exact right angle of your face. (Sorry Jenny. xoxo. But seriously.)

Ugh, selfies. I am spent.

But I’m sure I’m missing some – what drives you crazy???

In my never-ending quest to make all of you feel better about yourselves by showing you the dumb stuff I do, I give you this.

What is that, you ask?

That is all of the food that I took out of my refrigerator last night and threw away because it was too old to eat.

And by “too old,” I mean like yogurt from March 2012.

Did you know that jalapenos eventually mold? They do.

Similarly, did you know that apples from McDonald’s don’t mold? It’s true. They just curl a little around the edges.

Let’s see, what else did I learn? Strawberries shrink, cheese sticks get hard as rocks, and leftovers never get eaten.

So there you have it, folks – a self-esteem boost AND a science lesson.

You never know what pearls of wisdom you’ll find on Mommin’ It Up.

As you may remember, after much consideration, last spring we adopted a dog.

Jenny implored me not to do it (if you haven’t read this post, read it now. It’s a Mommin’ It Up classic. Go ahead, I’ll wait.) But we did it anyway.

After a year of dog ownership, I must admit…

I do not get it.

Why people would choose to have a dog in their house is beyond me. The hair, the farts, the poop (the fact that the freaking dog caused me to use those awful words!!!) – it’s disgusting. Not to mention the fact that we are now THAT HOUSE – you know, the one you go to and innocently ring the doorbell only to be accosted by a barking dog? Yeah, that’s us. Yay.

But what about the affection, the love, the joy the dog has brought to my life?

I’ve found none of that. NONE. The dog and I co-exist, and that’s the extent of our relationship. I cognitively understand that many, many people experience these things, I just don’t. And it’s not that he’s a bad dog – he doesn’t mind being in his crate for hours on end, he’s never (knock on wood) had an accident in our house, and he doesn’t chew on anything but his tennis balls.

The problem is that he’s a dog.

And I’m not a fan of dogs.

I guess what I’m saying is, Jenny was right all along.