Pardon the Bon Jovi reference, but that’s exactly how Kate’s latest you-should-turn-in-your-mom-card comment made me feel!
Kate’s been going through a difficult stage lately… I don’t know if it’s her age, the new baby, or a full moon, but she’s been whiny, attitude-y, and even a little defiant the past couple of weeks. Fortunately, she’s been saving this behavior for Mom and Dad – her sitter and teachers look at us like we’re nuts when we ask if they’ve seen the same things too.
On Memorial Day, we went to the park, and the entire time we were there, it was “Kate, stop that!” “Kate, listen!” etc. When we left, we spent a few minutes in the car telling her that Daddy wasn’t just trying to be a buzz-kill when he told her not to reach under the rusty chain link fence to get the tennis ball, but that it was to keep her safe. After that speech, we stopped to get gas (a $64 fill-up for our Camry, I might add) and while Andy was outside the car, Kate was quiet and contemplative. And then I heard a sad little voice.
“Mommy, am I really that bad?”
(The sound you hear is my heart shattering into pieces). It was so pitiful. I immediately told her how good she is, even when her behavior is not, yada yada yada. But I don’t know how much of it she took to heart, especially since we had been getting after her all day.
The thing is, she is a really good kid. She’s polite, friendly and sweet (ok she is all of these things most of the time), but at the same time, she needs to listen, follow directions and use a nice tone of voice. And lose the frickin’ attitude.
Her comment, though, makes me wonder if we are too hard on her. If we look at this smart, extremely verbal kid and forget that she just turned four.
The experts say to pick your battles, but how do I decide which ones to pick? How do I determine what is normal four-year-old behavior that will subside and what I need to put a stop to? Right now, I don’t think we are finding the right balance.
We’ve amped up our efforts at positive reinforcement and make sure to tell Kate what a great kid she is… because really, the last thing I want her to think is that she’s “bad.”
What is it with US and BON JOVI? Remember this? http://momminitup.com/?p=189
I think all the positive reinforcement is great. She needs that just as much as she needs the boundaries you are giving her. It is hard for me to remember with Joshua, also, that he’s FOUR and I should cut him a break sometimes. But you guys are right to keep her from doing something to hurt herself!! The other thing I would stay on top of is don’t let her be disrespectful to you!! Yesterday Joshua YELLED at me in CVS for not getting him a Hot Wheel. Let’s just say I did not let that one slide.
The biggest mistake I make with Joshua I think, is I keep getting on him, probably long after he’s gotten the message. He moves on much more quickly than I do, and for some wild reason I want him, at four, to show just as much remorse as I would as an adult. SO I keep driving the point into the ground. Probably not necessary on my part or helpful to him!!
Em- you are right- Kate is a great kid. You and Andy are doing the right thing in being firm when it is needed. She is so loved and she knows it. That is why she is already so self-confident. Keep up the good work and don’t doubt yourselves.
love, Aunt D.
you can delete this if you want- no problem
I can see why you’d want to delete that. My mom is obviously a nut job.
JUST KIDDING MOM! You are silly.
Aw, thanks for the support… hopefully we have not permanently ruined her life.
Jen, every time I think of “Livin’ on a Prayer,” I think of your brother Andy (don’t ask me why – did he have that tape back in the day?). Perhaps we can thank him for these references.
What other kids act like this too? (especially at cvs…) I am so glad mine are not the only ones! 🙂 Hang in there. Be firm in love. It is the hardest thing to be consistent with out harping on them – especially when they are teens.00
My daughter is nine and I remember wondering–when she was four–if I would survive. She was rebellious and strong-willed and had to test every boundary. I still have post-traumatic stress from it. She was also smart enough to make me think I had broken her heart just for keeping her from killing herself. Smart is good. But it’s very hard on mom. My daughter is still all the things she was at 4 but she has learned not to run into traffic or kill herself on the playground. You are doing what you have to do. In a few years when she gives another 4-year-old a safety lecture and shares her exasperation with you, you’ll look back on this fondly and you won’t remember how much your doubted yourself–until you read a post like this one.
We still have problems with Abby and Hannah – and they’re 7 and 5. I feel like I’m constantly telling Abby to ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that’… I have to remember to tell her when she’s doing something well and to praise her. It’s such a hard balance, but I think you’ve got the right idea with being firm and including lots of praise and positive comments as well. 🙂
It happens a lot – more than I care to remember – at my house. I know my kids aren’t perfect, and they know I’m certainly not either. We have grown to realize that each one of us aren’t bad – it’s just that we don’t make good decisions ALL of the time (kids and parents included). It’s not about perfection, but about offering grace and forgiveness to one another.
Kate’s a great kid and you guys are doing all the right things.
Setting boundaries and standing firm on that line in the sand is one of the hardest parts of parenting, IMHO.
Let me tell you my take on this – and I survived Princess Pinky (now almost 7) going through the same thing (and by survived, I should say endured, outlasted, and cried when no one was looking).
Kate is four and coming out of the all-me ego stage that is toddlerhood. She’s at a point in her emotional growth where she has the ability to see herself as not just the center of the universe, but part of the group (be it family, school, whatever). And she now has the ability to not just reflect on the negative consequences that come from bad decisions, but to begin understanding that her bad behavior affects those around her (that group thing again).
So, as hard as it may have been to hear her ask that question, that she would ask it shows she’s working through all those issues.
And that, my dear, is a sign of a good kid with great parents!
Wow..neat post. It is hard to “hurt”your kids. Sounds like you guys are on the right track. And I guess by asking those kinds of questions about your self äre we being to harsh”or what ever you are aware of what you are doing. Keep it up! I dont think children services is paying a visit anytime soon…
I can totally empathize with your situation. My five year old is very similar. A very sweet, polite child… most of the time. She can try your patience on ocassion though. I have found that positive reinforcement is helpful, but she’s still five. As long as she respects the fact that I am her sunrise and sunset I think all will be okay. We continue on a consistent course of admiration, admonition and open communication and hope for the best. Thanks for your thoughts.