When Excrement Attacks

Twice in one week that I’ve written a post title JUST for Emily. You’re welcome, cousin.

Yesterday was Jonah’s two-week checkup. Never mind the fact that he was 20 days old at the time, they were a bit short-staffed at ye olde pediatrician’s office over the holidays.  ANYHOO!  It was at 9 a.m. and I had to get Sophie ready for school and Jonah ready for his appointment and myself reasonably presentable (decent clothes, ponytail, no makeup) and I was nervous about it.  And I had this fear that Jonah was going to poop and pee all over the place just when it was time to leave.

But he didn’t!  All went very well. And he weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs. 14 oz.!! He was 7 lbs. 8 oz. when he was born and 7 lbs. 2 oz. at his 5 day checkup, so he gained 28 oz. in 15 days! I was stoked, and feeling rather proud of my breastmilk!

Fast-forward to a few hours later, I was getting Jonah and I ready to go to MY 3-week post-surgical check-up at the OB-GYN.  About 30 minutes before we needed to leave, I started to get Jonah ready.  Step 1 – diaper change.  I laid him down on the changing table and he made several pooping/gas passing noises so I waited a minute to make sure he was done. Then I got off his diaper which did indeed have some lovely seedy, yellow breastmilk poop in it.  I started to slide the new diaper under him but I wasn’t fast enough, because all of a sudden he let loose a torrent of poop all over the changing table.  I fumbled to wipe up the poop and get that diaper under him.

Then, he peed.  A full-force geyser whose spray reached all the way up to his little noggin.

Then, he pooped SOME MORE.  It somehow all got UNDER the diaper instead of IN it.

Then, after my mom came in to help me try and do damage control, he peed AGAIN!

So, after all this, Jonah’s clothes were totally wet, we had two formerly brand new diapers that were now dirty even though they had never gotten ON his body, and the changing table looked like it had been smeared with mustard.

And Jonah’s HAIR was soaked in pee.

And he was screaming bloody murder, and I had 15 minutes left to get him cleaned up, dressed, nursed, and out the door.

We made it to the doctor’s just on time, but then of course, we had to wait awhile in the waiting room, where a still irate Jonah showed all the pregnant ladies in the waiting room what they were in for by screaming bloody murder and refusing to nurse.

It was totally awwweeesome.

And THEN he cried all the way home.

But hey, at least my morning went well. 🙂  And I didn’t get any pee in MY hair.