The Traveling Breastfeeder



It’s World Breastfeeding Week!! Ok, technically it starts Wednesday but we are ready to party now so we’re starting early! This week to celebrate breastfeeding, Emily and I are going to regale you with some of our favorite adventures in lactation. I’ll start by treating you to my experience nursing my eight-month-old “on the road” as we took her on her first family vacation last week to visit my parents at their home in the mountains of Virginia. We had been overly busy in July and were anxious to “get outta Dodge”, so to speak, but I was a little apprehensive about the seven hour drive because we’d not yet taken a road trip with Sophia, and I was afraid she’d be a bit of a cranky-pants. Turns out my mother’s intuition was correct (shocker)! We drove only 3.5 hours the first night, because I got a wicked deal on Priceline for a hotel room, but we stopped three times, once for food and twice for Miss Cranky-Pants! Unfortunately on the first leg of the trip there aren’t a whole lot of places to make a pit stop. The first place I nursed Sophie was in the parking lot of an elementary school. My husband took Joshua out to run around on the school playground while I fed our girl. Apparently and rather unfortunately, the school parking lot is rather a-happenin’ place during the summer for people who are NOT exactly of elementary age. Once Bobby and Joshua were out of sight, 6 adult males on bicycles made for 11-year-olds cycled slooooowly through, taking their time to size up our vehicle and its female occupants. I got a little sweaty. It was a bit unnerving, but they soon passed by. Then, a truck with a couple in it pulled up next to our car on the passenger side where I was nursing Baby So. Ack! The man got out of the car with a map and started to ask me for directions. I had a boob exposed AND I had no idea where I was! He prattled on for awhile and I listened patiently as my hungry baby squirmed and I struggled to keep myself covered up. Finally I got a word in edgewise and explained that I had no idea where I was either. He apologized and they went on their way. Of course at THIS moment my husband and son returned, and Sophie decided she was done snacking.

We continued on our way and about an hour later were on a stretch of I-35 in West Virginia that has little to offer but a lot of run-down trailers, a couple grandiose farm houses, and a XXX porno theatre. It’s just a two-lane highway at this point with not much shoulder, so when Sophie freaked out a second time, I got to breastfeed at…you guessed it….the porno theatre! That’s right, this lascivious location became my next lactating site. Bobby and I cracked up as we pulled in. We parked next to the road, right under the sign, as far away from the building as we could. There was a mini-van parked next to the building along with several trucks and I dared Bobby to go up to it and see if there were any car seats in it, but he was wouldn’t take the dare. As I was nursing Sophie, a trucker pulled in driving a big-rig. He drove very closely to us and I am sure from his high vantage point in his truck cab, he got an eyeful and was probably scared that the boobs he saw inside were going to be of the saggy and stretch-marked variety. Fortunately, Sophia was soon well-fed and calmed down, and we sped out of there before the proprietors could chase us away for scaring the clientele.

I nursed my baby girl in a variety of places on this trip – my parent’s front porch overlooking the Blue Ridge Parkway, an ice cream parlor, a children’s science museum (about three feet away from a nerdy gathering of teenaged boys – that was a fun one!), and a couple of Food Lion parking lots, to name a few. Some locations were more convenient than others, but I am so thankful that I’m able to feed her wherever and whenever she needs to be fed, and that she knows when she’s with me, her needs are going to be met.

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The Turd that Broke the Camel’s Back

If you’re a regular Mommin’ It Up reader (and really, why wouldn’t you be?), you know it took me just shy of 493 years to potty train my son Joshua. I gave up a couple of times, and re-started, but the FIRST time I gave up, for the longest period of time, was last September when Joshua was about 30 months old and I was about seven & a half months pregnant with my daughter.

Let me tell you about the day I finally realized the boy just wasn’t ready. I was preparing to take a shower, and I thought I’d be a genius and bring his little potty chair in the bathroom and remove his pants in case he had to go while I was getting clean. I did just that and then got in the shower. A few minutes into it when I’ve got shampoo in my hair, I hear him say, “I don’t have to go potty.” Translation: “I REALLY have to go potty but I don’t want to sit on the potty.” I stuck my head out of the shower. He had “that look” in his eye. You know, the look that signifies that a bowel movement is imminent and unstoppable. Here’s how it went down:

Me: Joshua, do you have to go potty?
Joshua: No, I don’t have to!
Me: Joshua, sit on the potty!
Joshua: No I don’t have to!
Me: JOSHUA SIT ON THE POTTY!
Joshua: I don’t have to go potty!

Joshua then proceeded to brace himself against his play table that we kept in the bathroom to entertain him, get wide-eyed and red faced, shake, grunt, and push out the biggest turd I have ever seen. I mean it was like, half the child’s body weight. It shot out of him with incredible force and broke into several pieces on the bathroom floor.

Did I mention I was 7.5 months pregnant, and soaking wet, with shampoo in my hair?

It was at that moment as I gazed with soap-filled eyes upon the many pieces of turd on my bathroom floor, and my little boy’s astonished face, that I realized this child was NOT going to be potty trained before the second child came along! So I rinsed my hair, jumped (okay, lumbered) out of the shower, toweled off my ginormous body, and cleaned up the turd. Then I put a diaper on my son and put potty training on the shelf, deciding I’d much rather clean poop off my kid’s behind than off my bathroom floor!

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A Backseat Driver and a HOTT Mom

They (and by “they” I mean Justin Timberlake) say “what goes around comes around.”

If that is true then I am getting my just desserts, because my son has become, at the ripe old age of three-and-almost-a-half, a backseat driver. A bad one. My husband would say that not long ago, I too could claim that title. But I learned after a few years that he didn’t appreciate it and I was wise to bite my tongue and clench my fists when I thought he should stop, go, slow down, speed up, or go a different route.

Now, it’s my turn to get “directed” by Joshua. Yesterday I had to yell at him in the car (and I am NOT a yeller with my kids) because he was pressuring me as I was trying to back out of the driveway. We live on a very busy street, and there is a side street directly behind our driveway, so sometimes it takes a while to get a break in the traffic when trying to back out. So I look left, I look right, I look in the rearview, I repeat the process for freaking EVER until finally I get a chance to go. Here’s what I dealt with while trying that yesterday:

“Go Mommy. Go. GO MOMMY! It’s our turn it’s our turn it’s our turn GO MOMMY!”

The kid had me so flustered I nearly hit the gas and shot backward into oncoming traffic just so he’d stop! But wisely, I yelled at him instead. Then, once I had his attention, gave him a nice lecture about how he could not tell Mommy what to do, and how I didn’t need his help driving. Then, I proceeded to wait all over again for my turn to get on the road! Let’s hope he got the point.

In other driving news, tonight on the way to dinner with a girlfriend (for the first time in like 487 years), some guy in a black Camaro TOTALLY drove next to me on purpose and tried to catch my eye for the longest time. I did have my children with me (swapped them with my hubby at his workplace on my way to dinner), but apparently, I’m too sexy for my mom sedan and my two kids in car seats in the back. That’s right, I’m HOTT (with two T’s. That is not a typo). Who knew?


We are very happy to announce that thanks to you, our loyal readers, and Karen at pediascribe.com, “When Motherhood Meets HAZMAT” was declared the winner of the “Klean” dirty story contest. Thanks to everyone who voted!!

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