Oh my, my friends, it’s been too long since I ripped a portion of the general population a new one here on this blog and woo-wee am I ready! Are you ready? Jenny’s Life Klass is back and it’s meaner than ever!!
Let me tell you what’s got my biscuits all burnt up today, friends.
People.
Specifically, people who drive around with profanity, lewdness, and general skeevy perviness on their cars in decal or ornament form.
Case en pointe (that’s FRENCH, I’m KLASSY, remember?): yesterday I was innocently driving my kids home from school in the very nice area of town that they matriculate in, literally right next to the fancy Lexus dealership where my husband fixes cars for rich people, very far away from where we live in the dirty city, and at a very long stoplight, right in front of us was a new-ish Chevy pickup truck with a decal on the back window…
of a cartoon man and woman having sex. In a style that was decidedly NOT missionary (not that THAT would have been ok either, but this was just to be over-the-top-CRUDE, apparently.) And underneath this lovely cartoon couple engaged in what I’m sure is an act fueled by their great love for each other, the words, “Making My Family”.
Um, WHAT?
WHAT??
YOU HAVE A FAMILY?
God help us all.
I’m sure the beautiful children born of a man who depicts their conception in a crude cartoon bang decal on the back of his Chevy have a bright and beautiful future. I have no doubt they will respect others, work hard, and contribute to the betterment of society.
I mean, I think the family that displays cartoon sex acts on the back of their vehicle is also definitely the family that stays together, too. Right? And probably the kids of that family have lots and lots of friends because whose parents don’t want their kids to be around THAT Dad, amIrite?
I was praaaaaayyyying that a) the light would change really fast or b) God’s hand would reach down and pluck that truck from the road and deposit it and its decal in hell before my kids SAW that monstrosity. Fortunately, Joshua and Sophie had their heads buried in books or homework and didn’t see it, and Jonah is clueless.
But what if they see it next time? What if they ask me about it? What am I supposed to say, you d*ggie-style exhibiting jackwagon??
AARGGHGHGHGH!! There is STEAM pouring forth from my ears as I think about that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ok. Deep breaths. Namaste. Center myself. Take a mental walk in the woods. I’ve got to calm myself down so I can educate the rest of the world, in case, like that Chevy-driving pukebag, you don’t know what is and is not appropriate to display on your motor vehicle. HERE GOES.
1) Sex acts. I think I just covered that. Keep your cartoon Karma Sutra under your mattress, perv. My 8-year-old doesn’t need to learn about that stuff until she’s at least 30. DO NOT MAKE ME TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO YOUR CHEVY, mmkay?
2) Your scrotum. SERIOUSLY, if you have your ball sac hanging from the back of your truck…this is a DIRECT ADMISSION that you’re a eunuch. 100% non-refutable PROOF. You’ve just outed yourself, grossed me out, AND stolen my kids innocence, NUMB NUTS.
3) Profanity. HEY GUESS WHAT? A VAST MAJORITY OF TINY HUMANS CAN READ. And that “Don’t like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-Sh*T” bumper sticker is a) a total fraud – that number is answered by some Bangladeshi guy who wants to sell me a satellite dish and b) a doorway to a room in the American lexicon that I am not ready for my 4-year-old, WHO CAN READ, to enter yet. I mean at least not until we get him through speech therapy so he can REALLY understand how to use those words properly. YOU IDIOT.
4) Naked ladies in profile. Just don’t, pervert. Like, you’re driving, YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE IT. I mean, do you just need us to know that you know what a naked woman looks like? CONGRATULATIONS. Next time I am behind you at a stop light I am going to get out and shake your hand (nope, nope, nope I cannot even FATHOM where that hand has been). Really, what an achievement. Your mother must be BURSTING with pride shame.
Ok. I am SURE there are more categories, but this is a good start – and now I need to go take a mental shower because I am so disturbed by the free speech that the general population CHOOSES to put on their vehicles (????).
So I will let YOU add to the list my friends!! What do you see on someone’s car that makes you want to CUT a jack@$$$?
GO forth and spread these wise words so EVERYONE CAN KNOW – in case they don’t – that it’s not ok to put cartoon sex acts on your car window! BECAUSE YOU GUYS, I DON’T THINK THEY KNOW!
Love,
Jenny
