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Things You Should and Should Not Do During Pregnancy

I happened to run across this list of pregnancy do’s and dont’s and I thought I’d pass them along. I hope you find them as enlightening as I did…and I hope you don’t mind that I added a little commentary of my own.

Things You SHOULD Do

You Should Get Regular Medical Exams
Not a bad idea.

You Should Check Your Immunity to German Measles
Yikes. What exactly does that involve?

You Should Take Prenatal Vitamins
…even though they are roughly the size of a football and won’t do any good because you’ll throw up the minute you try to swallow them.

You Should Eat Well and Get Plenty of Exercise.
And by “eat well” I’m assuming they mean “anything that won’t make you puke, even if that consists of Blizzards and saltines.” “Plenty of exercise” – that should be easy, given the fact that you’ll break a sweat by doing things like brushing your teeth.

You Should Be Sure to Get Enough Fat in Your Diet
Well, ok. If you insist.

You Should Do Kegel Exercises
Do I need a yoga mat for that?

You Should Use House Plants
Is that some kind of code for “smoke a lot of dope”?

You Should Talk to Your Doctor about Existing Conditions and Your Family History
You mean like the fact that the family tree Jenny and I share (how do I put this delicately?) doesn’t have as many branches on it as it should? Hey, they couldn’t help it, there just weren’t that many choices for spouses in the Holler.

Things You Should NOT Do During Pregnancy

You Should Not Smoke or be Around People Who Do
Really? I hadn’t heard.

You Should Not Drink Alcohol
Uh oh.

You Should Not Take Illegal Drugs
Ok fine, you hater-of-fun.

You Should Avoid Hot Dogs
Now that’s something I could get behind.

You Should Avoid Caffeine
Ugh. We’re back to buzz-killing. Here’s the problem…I need Diet Coke to survive. For real.

You Should Avoid Contact with Reptiles
That should be easy enough.

You Should Avoid Tick Bites
Really, this list is starting to look less like “Pregnancy Do’s and Don’ts” and more like “Basic Life Principles.”

You Should Not Eat Junk Food
Hahahahahahaha…sorry, I’ll come back to this when I’ve stopped laughing. I wish it were as simple as that.

You Should Avoid VDTs
I don’t know what that means, but I’ll make sure to avoid them.

You Should Avoid Microwaves
Now this does present a problem. Do you want me to STARVE?

You Should Not Use a Water Bed
Dear Lord I could hardly get out of a REGULAR bed when I was pregnant. A water bed would be cruel and unusual punishment. Not to mention that it would burst on impact!

You Should Avoid Stress
No problem. I mean, really, what’s to stress about? You’re only having a KID, something that’s going to seriously impact your lifestyle, career and finances…not to mention your figure…for, well, ever.

You Should Not Expose Yourself to Pesticides
Back to those general life principles…

You Should Avoid Fumes from Paint, Paint Thinner, Household Cleaning Products and so on
Cleaning products! You heard it here first, folks. If that’s not a good reason for popping out #2 I don’t know what is.

You Should Avoid Raising Your Body Temperature
I don’t know about the rest of you, but my body temperature was raised for about 38 weeks of my pregnancy. I was wearing tank tops at Christmas.

You Should Not Use a Sauna, Hot Tub or Take Long Hot Baths
They failed to tell you why, though. It’s not that doing any of these things would hurt your poor little fetus, it’s just that you’re never going to be able to do any of these things again so you might as well get used to it now.

You Should Avoid Cleaning Cat Litter Boxes. You Should Avoid Uncooked Meat.
Does anyone but me find it disturbing that these things were put in the same bullet point?

You Should Avoid Herpes.
Wow.

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It’s like the Bible…. except you use it more.

A long, long time ago, around the turn of the century, my now-husband proposed. It was wonderful, we were excited about getting married, yada yada yada. Then we realized we didn’t know how to plan a wedding.

So what did I do? Since I am a giant dork, I trotted off to the bookstore. It was there that I picked up the first in a series of books that would help me in my quest to pretend to be an adult. The magic book? “Bridal Bargains” by Denise and Alan Fields. Not only did this handy book help me save money, as the title indicates, but it told me what was important when choosing venues and vendors and all sorts of fabulous things.

Fast forward a few years to when I saw two lines on the ol’ pregnancy test. I, of course, didn’t know the first thing about parenting, so what did I do? Headed to the bookstore, of course. I told you I was a dork. Imagine my glee when I discovered that the Fields had written another book, this one titled “Baby Bargains.” Their product reviews and advice on what is needed (car seat) and what is not (wipe warmer) were invaluable to me. The best part? The night I sat with “Baby Bargains” on my lap and Amazon user reviews on my computer screen for three hours crying because I could not figure out which of the 924 strollers to purchase, I finally emailed the Fields through their website, desperate for help. Sure enough, they quickly emailed me back and said “Buy this one.” Ok, that’s paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Since then I’ve emailed them more than once and they’ve always sent a very prompt and helpful response.

Then along comes Kate… born without an instruction manual tied to her arm. Good thing Denise Fields paired up with pediatrician Dr. Ari Brown to write “Baby 411.” Everything you need to know about babies in paragraphs short enough for new mothers who, if they are like I was, have the attention span of a gnat. When to call the doctor, how to swaddle your baby tighter than a burrito, getting the baby to sleep – this book has it all. Jenny and I both give “Baby 411” as a gift at every baby shower we attend. I often inscribe it with “This book is the only reason Kate lived to be a year old. Enjoy.”

An avid fan of these books (in case you couldn’t tell), I waited with bated breath for “Toddler Bargains” and “Toddler 411” to come out. They didn’t disappoint. I still refer to both of these frequently. Kate got sick once when we were on vacation, so I immediately called Jenny and had her read me what “Toddler 411” had to say about fevers. Now I don’t leave home without it.

If you don’t have the complete set, click here to buy one of each. Seriously. Do no pass go, do not collect $200. Buy them now.

I just hope that they are busy working on “School Kid 411” and “Teenager 411” as we speak.

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Rewind…. 12/22/04. Ow, nose!

Date: 12/22/04
Time: 9:56 a.m.
To: Jenny
From: Emily
Subj: Ow, nose!

You are never going to believe what happened last night. I am going to try to give you the abbreviated version of the story, but bear with me.

Kate and I took my grandma over to Target last night and we got Kate some dried blueberries. On the way home, she was eating them, and I heard her say indignantly “Ow nose!” as though her nose had hurt her, so I asked her if she picked it too hard and she said yes.

So we get back to Grandma’s and I notice that her snot is bluish. She had Oreos on her face, and I thought it was just mixing in with that… but it kept happening, so sort of jokingly I said “Kate, did you stick an Oreo up your nose?” and Grandma said “I bet it was a blueberry.”

To make a long story somewhat shorter, Andy and I were getting ready to get the tweezers, but Grandma said she didn’t think that was a good idea and maybe we should call this 24/7 nurse line her insurance has. So I called (GREAT invention btw, I’m going to put Anthem’s nurse line on the fridge) and the nurse said NOT to use the tweezers, because of her eyes and brain being so close to her nose. She said to take Kate to Urgent Care because the blueberry needed to come out in 2-8 hours. I don’t know what happens after that time period expires – perhaps the blueberry would start to sprout.

We decided to go home and call Kate’s doctor to see if we should take her that night, or if we could wait until his office opened up. He said it needed to come out lest she suck it into her lungs. A blueberry in the lungs is apparently worse than a blueberry in the nose. So we were putting her in her jammies around 9:30, getting ready to go to Urgent Care, and she sneezed. I glanced down and said “Andy, there’s a blueberry on my pants!!” She had sneezed it out.

The crazy thing is that even though it was a tiny dried blueberry when she stuck it up there, all the snot and everything made it expand back to the size of a regular blueberry.

Andy and I were sooooo glad she sneezed it out! I was really not looking forward to the idea of a straight jacket.

So the moral of the story is:
A) Check to see if your insurance has a nurse line because it’s awesome, and
B) Don’t use tweezers when Joshua pulls this stunt.

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