It’s been awhile since I’ve bossed the world around and told you how to live your lives, and I’m sure you’ve missed it. I mean, crap, you guys are probably all naming your kids Dest’n’ee and going pantless to the grocery store without me to tell you what to do. I should really stop being so selfish and get back to performing my civic responsibilities! But dangit, sometimes my life isn’t all that funny. Last week it was all angry, angry, ANGRY snotty toddler and sleepless nights. Not humorous. So, sometimes I have to turn elsewhere to tickle my funny bone and stir up my inner snark. Awhile back, I heard about the site NickMom from Nickelodeon and it’s a place I go to from time to time when I need a good laugh. My latest favorite? This hilarious infographic post “What does your snack offering say about you?”
Because REALLY. The genius cartoonist and NickMom.com revealed something to me. Some of you put too much effort into snack time. And based on the snack idea pins some of you are pinning on Pinterest, you also have way too much free time.
But I’m betting others of you, like me, are totally phoning snack time. And to you I say, “ROCK ON! Ain’t nobody got time for Bento boxes!” Here’s a sampling of the snack offerings currently available to my children.
Yes – those are Cheez-Its made with WHOLE GRAIN. Health food, people!
I like these snack offerings not for their pinnability but rather for their ability to make my kids quit asking for food and sit in blissful silence for a few minutes while they eat. Hmm, now what does that say about me? I think the folks at NickMom would probably say it says that I like to hide in the bathroom watching Netflix while my kids are eating their after-school snack. But they’d be TOTALLY WRONG. I actually watch Hulu Plus during that time. So there.
Just to prove that not all moms are complete snack slackers comme moi (that’s French! Deal with it, ‘merica!), I did a little Pinterest perusing to find snack ideas that many of you cray-crays are pinning – and that some Senior Cray-Cray in Charge of Facilitating Mommy Nervous Breakdowns has actually created – and decided to dole out my own judgments on what your snack idea pins say about you. Annnnd here we go!
Snowman Cheese Sticks. If you pinned this snack, what does this say about you? It says you *might* have too much flippin’ time on your hands, lady. You’re going to take a sharpie and draw faces, buttons, coal eyes on a cheese stick? You’re going to change marker colors for a carrot nose? THEN you’re going to tie a ribbon scarf on each little faux cheesestick neck? AND painstakingly cut out a dozen little black construction paper hats to affix with some sort of adhesive onto their faux cheese heads? REALLY? If you pinned this and are even considering making this cutesy snack into a reality, YOU NEED TO GET A HOBBY. I suggest you choose a hobby that does some good for some people. Please, please, please volunteer for a charity instead of using your free time to decorate snack items that are only going to be digested and turned into excrement. MMkay?
A Very Hungry Caterpillar snack. Aww, that’s so sweet! You want to make your kids a snack based on their favorite beloved children’s book! You know what that says about you? It says you love them very much. And also? It says you’re not going to be prepared for the psychological collapse they’re going to have when they enter the real world and realize that an apple is just an apple! Look, mama, life isn’t Disneyland, and snacks aren’t magical. Don’t deny your child the simple pleasure of loving food for its taste. Besides you’re setting a dangerous precedent here. If you continue in this vein you’re gonna be up past midnight making Harry Potter-themed school lunches every darn day for the next twelve years. IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE! Turn back!
Super-disturbing feeding chickens egg-and-pepper snack. Ummm. If you pinned this, or – God forbid – presented this to your children to eat? What does this say about you? I will tell you what this says about you. It says we can never be friends. If we haven’t met yet, don’t bother. Because you are already dead to me. If you think hard-boiling chicken embryos and using vegetables to make them look like actual chickens who are themselves eating is a good idea, we cannot co-exist. And also? It says you should check yourself into the nearest psychiatric facility to get some R&R and maybe take a class or two on things that are actually important!
Allright mamas, I’m done berating you and your over-zealous snack idea pinning (for now). If you’re stuck in a rut pinning All The Unreasonable Yet Adorable Snack Ideas, I suggest you close that tab on your browser and open a new one and click over to NickMom for a few laughs and hopefully a reality check! For even more funnies, you can find NickMom on Twitter and Facebook, too.
What kind of snacks do you give your kids? Just plain food, or do you dress it up a little?
. It is super-swanky, y’all! It would take me 1,000 words to truly verbalize all it’s features, but I’ll try to give you the big picture in fewer than that.